Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here once again to introduce my story. A few bits of business I should get out of the way. Next week will be the final chapter of Alanna the Piranha. I have already begun brainstorming a new story and will be premiering it in a couple weeks. My novelist has completed a new novel and has started another one. I will keep you posted as to when the new novel will be available. It is quite an unusual tale and required a fair amount of research to complete. I am most excited about it because of its strange nature and vivid characters. In the meantime, my novelist and I will discuss some television shows we are very excited about and some films as well. So, without further ado…

I am excited too! I am excited too!

What?

I am excited to find out what happens at the end of Alanna the Piranha.

You can read?

Just because I am a Maltese doesn’t mean I can’t read. I read every day in fact.

I have never seen you read.

That is because I do it when you are not around.

What do you read?

I just started reading The Mouse and the Motorcycle. I love it.

I love that book too. I cannot believe I love a book you are reading. And that you read. Anyway, here is Chapter Thirty-Two of Alanna the Piranha. Nasoloditisya!

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Thirty-First Part II

The entire audience is looking around to see who this Flint guy is.

“Aren’t you going to help her?” My mom asks me. “You’re her manager!”

“Son?” my dad says in agreement.

Brook looks at me like I should listen to my parents. I really don’t want to get up in front of all these people, but I don’t want to disappoint my parents and I certainly don’t want to disappoint Brooke.

“Help me, Flint!” Alanna yells onstage.

“Augh,” I say as I get up and reluctantly work my way out to the aisle. As I head up to the stage, I can hear the audience murmuring. My face flushes with embarrassment as I feel a couple hundred sets of eyes on me, but I continue jogging forwards catching audience members pointing and gawking in my peripheral vision. I reach the stage and climb the stairs.

“Kid, kid!” The Zipper says to me as I step onto the stage. “Tell Gams to take her mask off!”

“Get him off me!” Alanna pleads.

“You need to let go of her,” I tell The Zipper.

“The audience wants to see her face!”

“They want you to stop pulling on it. Mystery in a performer is a magical thing.”

“Yes!” Alanna agrees. “I am mysterious!”

The Zipper grabs the microphone. “You all want to see what’s under this mask, don’t you? Don’t you?”

The audience sends up a resounding cheer.

“Flint,” Alanna pleads. “Please.”

I walk over and snatch the microphone away from The Zipper.

“What are you doing, kid?” he says. “What are you doing?”

I take a deep breath and realize my hands are shaking. “Hi,” I say to the audience, hearing a tremor in my voice. “I’m Alanna and Fabulous’ s manager and part of their act is Alanna keeps her identity a secret. If you want to know more about them, you can visit The Chuckle Duck where they’ll be performing Wednesday thru Saturday!”

Just then President Winnie Crowbar click-clacks back out onstage and marches right up to Alanna. Winnie reaches out her hand and touches Alanna’s face. Stunned, Alanna stumbles back. Madame Crowbar moves forwards and touches her face again. Then she marches up to the microphone and says to the audience. “As you may know,” my doctorate is in Zoology. And I can tell you right now this Alanna is either a real fish or this is the finest makeup or mask I have ever seen!”

“What?!” The Zipper exclaims.

I run up to the microphone. “My degree is in biochemistry, and I constructed Alanna’s…mask.”

“Out of what?” Madame Crowbar demands.

“I used a new technology.”

“It’s no technology I’ve ever heard of.”

“That’s why it’s new.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not lying.”

“He’s not lying,” Alanna says. “He constructed my face.”

President Winnie Crowbar is not convinced. “I believe this face of hers is that of a real fish.”

The audience laughs. They think Crowbar is in on the joke.

“Why are you laughing,” she says. “This is not a joke!”

The audience suddenly turns serious. I take the microphone away from Doctor Crowbar.

“It’s a new technology,” I insist.

“What technology?”

“The kind that allows me to make a piranha face. Or a bunny sing and talk.”

Fabulous gives me a horrified look. The audience laughs louder.

The Zipper laughs with them and struts up to the mike. “Another round of applause for Alanna and Fabulous!”

Right after Alanna and Fabulous’ s performance I do not go back to sit with Brooke and my parents. I hurry offstage with my fish girl and bunny, scurry out to the parking lot, and drive us home. I take them down to the basement, turn on a movie and let them know I need to go out. Then I drive around for a couple of hours trying to think of what to do.

After a while I give up and go home. I head into the house and wander into the living room to find Stacy, Mom, Dad, and my Aunt Linda all sitting there looking morose.

“Son,” my dad says. “Have a seat.”

I see they have left the chair facing the end of the coffee table vacant. I walk over and sit down. They all look at each other with painful expressions.

“Flint,” my father finally says. “I need you to know your family loves you no matter what. You are our son, a brother to your sister and a nephew to your aunt. But we don’t want you to keep something secret that’s torturing you all bottled up inside. We want you to know you can be transparent with us.”

Great, I think. They’ve figured it out.

“Dear,” my mother says with a crack in her voice, “We love you. You know that.”

I glance at Stacy who glares back with profound repulsion.

“What your parents are trying to say,” Aunt Linda says, “is you’re going through a challenging time, and we want you to know we’re here for you.”

“I’m really not,” I say.

“You’re really not what?”

“I’m really not going through a challenging time…”

“Heck,” my dad says. “When I was first dating your mother, I used to wear her underwear.”

“What?”

“It was a phase I went through. I wanted to be close to her all the time and it help me through a very stressful season in my life.”

“I just…wow.”

“That’s disturbing!” Stacy exclaims. “I never wanted to know that!”

“I’m trying to help your brother,” my dad tells her. “Besides, we’re family. This conversation does not go beyond these walls.”

“It shouldn’t have gone past your head! I’m your daughter for crying out loud! I don’t want to hear about that!”

“I have a confession to make too,” my mom says. “And this was before I met your father. I used to walk up to strange men in the supermarket and…”

“I don’t want to know, mom!”

“I thought we all agreed to be adults about this and support your brother.”

“I was a stripper,” my Aunt Linda says. “I used to go into these glass booths at lunch hour and dance. It was good money.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Stacy exclaims.

“That has nothing to do with Flint’s problem, Linda,” my dad says.

“And wearing my sister’s underwear does?”

“I don’t want to know!” Stacy yells. Then she turns to me and says, “And you have been steeling my shoes! I recognized them on that freak show you put up on stage!”

“I’m sorry,” I say mortified. “I just didn’t think you’d understand.”

“Well, isn’t that the understatement of the year!”

“We understand, son,” my dad says. We all have things we don’t want those closest to us to know.”

“So, you’re trying to tell me you know about Alanna and Fabulous.”

“If that’s what you want to call…whatever they are.”

I turn to my aunt. “Alanna’s really helped me invest your money well, Aunt Linda.”

Aunt Linda makes a face. “How?”

“She invested in stocks at first and then she and Fabulous came up with the act.”

“The bunny helped the fish girl come up with the act?”

“Yes. Fabulous is the real brains. Alanna is more emotional.”

“Have you lost your mind?!” Stacy says. “We all know you did some sort of weird experiment to make those…freaks!”

“Flint,” my dad says quietly. “We understand you’ve had trouble finding a girlfriend. But did it have to come to this?”

“Alanna’s not my girlfriend.”

“What is she to you son?”

“She’s, well, she’s a piranha girl. She needs to meet a nice piranha boy.”

“How…how do I even put this? How did you…make this piranha girl and singing bunny?”

“CRISPR Cas9.”

“What is that?”

“I bought a piranha and a bunny at the pet store and genetically altered them with shots of it.”

“You idiot!” Stacy screams. “Are you crazy?! You should be in prison!”

“Everybody, calm down,” my Aunt Linda says. “I think I have an idea.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: OLD HENRY (2021)-SHOWTIME

Westerns are a great film genre to make during Covid because they can be shot outdoors with a lot of social distancing and are relatively inexpensive to make. There’s usually no CGI and the strength lies in the story. And it’s been wonderful to see them make a showing in recent years with great work like Power of the Dog.

This week’s movie is a good old-fashioned western with a twist. A farmer named Henry (wonderfully played by Tim Blake Nelson) and his teenage son Wyatt (Gavin Lewis) live on a farm hidden in the Oklahoma prairie. Henry’s wife died of tuberculosis years ago and her brother, Wyatt’s Uncle Al (Trace Adkins) lives on a nearby farm and helps the father and son with the work. Wyatt is restless and longs to see the world. He laments over why Henry settled there. But his father tells him “You’ll discover there’s worse arrangements”.

One day the two find a lost horse with blood all over the saddle. Henry goes looking for the rider and finds an unconscious man named Curry (Scott Haze) whose been shot and a satchel full of money. After much deliberation Henry brings Curry to his house to heal. But Curry has men who are looking for him. And they come in the form of a would-be sheriff named Ketchem (Stephen Dorff) and his sinister sidekick Stilwell (Max Arciniega).

Good evening. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce the thirty-first chapter of Alanna the Piranha. The Maltese and I had a wonderful Easter. We went for a long drive in which I sat in the front, and he sat in the back. I used to sit in the back, but I made it clear I needed to sit upfront with my novelist to supervise all traveling. We of course were forced to have a bath before Easter and that is never a good thing. I came out looking the more magnificent of us. I must say I do think poodles should receive Easter baskets. I know we are not allowed to eat chocolate bunnies and all but there are plenty of interesting and engaging treats one might put inside a basket that would be to my liking. I have seen plenty of little bunnies hopping around the area where we live. I am not certain which of them is the official Easter bunny but I if I cannot find out I will see if I can find one of the famous bunny’s assistants and send word out right away that I too deserve a basket of goodies. That said, here is Chapter Thirty-One of Alanna the Piranha. Насолодитися!

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Thirty-First

Once word got around Alanna and Fabulous would be performing for Parent’s Weekend at the university, I knew we were about to crash into a wall. The headliner was a comedian named Rexes Raucous who was scheduled to debut in his own Netflix streamer, a highly anticipated and critically acclaimed comedy. He was known for being exceptionally raunchy which ironically made him a perfect choice for Parent’s Weekend at the university.

“So, exactly how are you associated with this act, Flint?” my dad asks as we sit out in the audience in the Student Union building waiting for the event to begin. My mom is situated on my dad’s right and Brooke is sitting on my mom’s right. For one reason or another Brooke is Chad-free this afternoon. Also, Brooke’s parents can’t attend the event. That’s why she’s sitting with us. She’s going to get a real kick out of watching the spawn of her DNA prance about the stage. Yeah, right.

Alanna and Fabulous are slotted to go second. On some level I am hoping my family will understand the whole thing and appreciate both my scientific prowess and Alanna and Fabulous’s artistic expression.   

“I’m just the manager and chauffer for one of the acts,” I tell my dad.

“That’s…well…I thought maybe you might…I’m proud of you son. How much are they paying you?”

“Two hundred dollars for the day.”

“Well, that’s not bad. Something’s better than nothing.”

It’s always wonderful when your accomplishments disappoint your parents. But honestly, it’s better than telling them oh, and by the way I created the act out of a bunny and a piranha from the pet store, some genetic stuff I bought on the dark web, and your daughter’s roommate’s hair.  

“Stacy’s dance team is going to open the show,” my mother says.

“I thought she wasn’t performing.”

“The basketball team wanted the publicity and asked the squad to perform one of their routines at the last minute,” Brooke says.

“But it’s a comedy show,” I say.

“They’ll be adding school spirit to the event.”

“But…it’s a comedy show.”

“The comedy acts are from The Chuckle Duck,” my dad informs my mom, “We haven’t been there in years.”

“Yes,” my mom says. “And I’d like to keep it that way. That place is a dump.”

“I always liked it.”

“Maybe you and Flint could go there together sometime.”

“Say, that would be fun. What do you think, Flint?”

“Uh, well,” I stammer. “I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“I’m just not that into comedy.”

“But you’re chauffeuring and managing one of the acts.”

“I’m doing it for the money.”

“Maybe Stacy and I could drop by and see your act perform,” Brooke says. “It’s exciting, Flint. You must be so proud.”

“Oh…well…”

Suddenly, upbeat music starts playing onstage and The Zipper strolls out with the university president, Madame Winnie Crowbar. Between his bright yellow suit and Madame Crowbar’s dull grey overly long skirt they make the strangest pairing I’ve ever seen. The president reminds me of that diabolical sheep from Zootopia as her sensible heels click-clack up to the microphone center stage. 

“Good afternoon,” she says. “My name is Doctor Winnie Crowbar, and I am the president of the university. Joining me this afternoon is the owner of one of our most popular and successful local comedy clubs, The Chuckle Duck. Allow me to introduce you to The Zipper.

The audience applauds and The Zipper steps up to the microphone like a plump penguin and adjusts the stand down to his height.

“How you doing, how you doing?” he says. “Looks like we have a great crowd here this afternoon, a great crowd. Now, before we bring out the acts, I want to introduce your very own university dance squad!”

The back doors on either side of the room burst open and Stacy’s dance team members dressed in their uniforms come pouring out. Stacy leads the group up the aisle to my right. The university fight song blares from the sound system. The dance team members clap to the beat. The audience finds this infectious, and they start clapping along with them. The dance team rushes the stage turning it into a swamp of the university’s colors.

“Go, Stacy!” my mom, dad, and Brooke all yell in unison.

I can feel my heart pounding knowing Alanna and Fabulous are up next. I don’t know if I’m more worried about them forgetting the new dance steps or having the entire audience find out they are a genetic experiment.

Stacy and her dance team form a chorus line and perform a perfectly synchronized Rockette-style kicking sequence. This garners huge applause. They finish with equally synchronized double pirouettes and land in perfectly sequenced lunges. The crowd goes wild, and I double over certain I’m about to pass out.

“Flint?” my father asks. “Are you alright, son?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m just a little nervous about my act performing. They are slotted to go first.”

“You seem as nervous as if you were going to be the one performing.”

I return to an upright position. “No, I’m good.”

The applause fades and The Zipper returns to his microphone. “That was great! Wasn’t that great!? Alright, alright. You are in for a real treat this afternoon. This first act is the newest member of our Chuckle Duck family. Put your hands together for the hilarious musical talents of The Chuckle Duck’s sensational Alanna the Piranha!”

The audience claps as Alanna struts out onstage wearing her cape and a glossy red pair of Stacy’s heels carrying Fabulous in her downstage hand. I hear all the women in the audience let out a unified “Awe!” at the sight of her. Alanna sets Fabulous on the stool, adjusts the microphone, and puts a miniature pair of sunglasses on her. Then she saunters to stage left where she poses magnificently.

“Flint,” my father says. “You’re turning blue!”

“Oh,” I say realizing I’ve been holding my breath for an unreasonably long time. “I didn’t realize I forgot to breathe.”

“I’m worried about you son.”

“So am I.”

The opening guitar strains to “Shot Down in Flames” by AC/DC begin to play. Fabulous bounces her head to the rock beat. This garners a laugh from the audience. Alanna twirls around in her cape and starts grooving to her funky dance. I must say I am proud of my choreography on this one. She looks fantastic doing the moves. Not to mention the song fits Fabulous’s gravelly voice to a T.

Alanna moves up to the edge of the stage and starts clapping which causes the audience to start clapping along. Then she glides back and executes a perfect triple pirouette. The audience cheers. I could not be more pleased. Some of the audience turns their cell phones on and begins waving them in the air while the rest continue to clap to the beat. Alanna boogies over to Fabulous, and the Newfoundland Dwarf jumps into her hand, then onto her shoulder, and finally onto her head not missing a single lyric. Alanna struts down the middle aisle carrying Fabulous who continues to sing.

Alanna makes a turn at the doors and comes prancing up the left side aisle until they arrive at the stage. Alanna struts up the steps and faces the back of the stage. Fabulous hops off her hand and onto the stool. As she finishes the song Alanna does a split leap, another perfect triple pirouette, and poses dramatically.

The crowd goes ballistic leaping to their feet, cheering, clapping, demanding an encore.

“Alanna was amazing, Flint!” Brooke gushes. “No wonder you’re her manager!”

“Thank you,” I say, my face turning bright red.

“Wow!” The Zipper says marching out onstage. “That was out of this world! Out of this world! Alanna, come over here, come over here!”

Alanna walks over to Fabulous who hops off the stool into her downstage hand and they head over to The Zipper.

“I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell ya,” The Zipper says. “You have got the house rocking tonight, yes sir! Yes, sir! So, what I want to have you do now is take off that mask and show everyone who you really are!”

Alanna leans back in shock. “This…this is who I really am,” she says.

“Everyone wants to see the real star of the act. The real star.”

The Zipper reaches over and starts pulling on Alanna’s face.

“Flint!” Alanna yells in desperation. “Flint!”

TO BE CONTINUED….

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: A MOST VIOLENT YEAR (2014)-Showtime

This week’s stream of the week is a tense, humorless, well-told tale about the courage it takes to be honest. Oscar Isaac and Oscar winner Jessica Chastain are outstanding as a couple who run an oil heating business who are on the brink of either losing everything or gaining it all. It is the winter of 1981, considered to be the most violent year in New York City to date. Aptly named futuristic focused Abel Morales (Oscar Isaac) is about to make the deal of his life for which he needs one and a half million dollars. The money will enable him to purchase a piece of land presently owned by Hasidic Jews that will allow him to get his product directly from the boats coming in from everywhere in the world. Abel has always been an upfront honest businessman. But his fellow oil company owners have not. Abel finds his oil trucks being hijacked, his salespeople being assaulted and his time running out. When his new house is almost broken into one night and his young daughter finds a loaded gun in the bushes, his more aggressive wife Anna Morales (Jessica Chastain) works to try and convince him that honesty is not always the best policy. Albert Brooks helps round out the cast as Abel’s righthand man.     

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here with my thirtieth chapter of Alanna the Piranha. I am in the final stretch of my story and will be starting a new one soon…

I say Easter! You say Bunny!

Tucker! What are you doing in that strange schoolboy outfit?

Easter!

What?

I say Easter! You say Bunny! Easter!

Bunny?

Easter!

Bunny.

I say Easter! You say Bunny! Easter!

Bunny!

Easter!

Bunny!

I say Easter! You say Bunny! Easter!

Bunny!

Easter!

Bunny!

Whoo!

No! What are you doing?! Are you insane?! Get down from there! That’s too high! You’re going to…! Don’t jump! Augh!!!

Easter Bunny Rocks!

You could have seriously injured yourself you inane…

Happy Easter, Baby!

Good grief. And here is Chapter Thirty of Alanna the Piranha. Happy Easter.

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Thirtieth

Today I found out that if you have a piranha girl eventually your parental units are going to find out.

To my credit it was Alanna’s fault. She once again snuck upstairs to Stacy’s room and hunted around for accessories to wear with her outfit for the Parent’s Weekend show. And she took Fabulous with her. While she was in there, she snagged a couple of scarves and a rhinestone necklace. She struggled a little because she has no real arms to speak of. So, when she was reaching for the necklace in Stacy’s armoire, she knocked it off its hook, and it fell and clattered on the wooden floor. Fabulous was smart enough to scurry under Stacy’s bed.

My mom, who was just down the hall heard the sound and came hurrying into the room. Alanna and my mother stared at each other unmoving, neither one saying a word. Finally, my mom said, “Stacy, that has to be the most impressive costume I’ve ever seen you wear.”

Alanna who had heard Stacy’s voice enough times to do a halfway decent imitation of it said, “Thank you.”

“It does make you look shorter for some reason though.”

“Really?”

“But it is quite stunning.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes, I do. But Halloween isn’t for months.”

“Oh…well, I am wearing it for a performance.”

“What performance?”

“The Parent’s Day weekend performance.”

“I didn’t know you were performing at Parent’s Day Weekend.”

“I just got invited yesterday.”

“That’s certainly short notice.”

“Yes, but I am prepared. I just needed a few accessories to round out my outfit.”

“You sound unusually chipper today.”

“Do I?”

“Can I make you some lunch? I was just about to prepare sandwiches for Flint and myself.”

“I…I’d like to stay but I need to get back to practicing for this thing.”

This hurt my mother’s feelings. “Oh…well, maybe next time.”

My mother left and Alanna waved her hands around like fans trying to calm herself down from the close call. She whipped out the disposable cell phone I got her and called me.

“Help!” she said like she was gasping for breath. “Your mother found us!”

“What do you mean she found you?”

“I mean Fabulous and I were up here in Stacy’s room…”

“How many times have I told you to keep out of Stacy’s room?!”

“A lot. But that’s not the point. She thinks Stacy is wearing a piranha costume and performing at Parent’s Weekend.”

“She what?”

“What do we do?”

“Flint!” my mom calls to me from the top of the stairs. “Lunch is ready!”

“Mom’s calling me to lunch,” I tell Alanna. “You stay there. I’ll come and get you.”

“I’m scared,” Alanna says.

“You and Fabulous are just going to have to wait.”

My mother is worried I don’t get enough vitamin D and really likes having me go outside as much as possible. So, she sets up brunch in the back yard…even though it’s cold. And then the real terror starts. Stacy comes strolling through the yard with Brooke. This I was not expecting, and I start to freak out.

“Flint,” Brooke says surprised. “I didn’t know you were going to have lunch with us.”

“Stacy,” My mom says. “You decided to stay for lunch after all!”

“What?” Stacy’s says with a confused look on her face.

I have this strange feeling Alanna and Fabulous are watching us from Stacy’s window. And I realize they’re probably hungry and want something to eat. “Excuse me for just a moment,” I say.

They give me a quizzical look and I hurry back into the kitchen and grab a couple of geometric patterned paper plates from off the counter. I check outside to make sure no one is watching and slap a cucumber sandwich, a handful of potato chips and of course a frosted cookie on each plate and hurry downstairs to the basement and set them on my table. I grab Alanna’s cape, then I sneak back upstairs to Stacy’s room.

“Let’s go now,” I say tossing Alanna the cape. “I got you guys some lunch and put it downstairs, so you don’t go hungry.”

“Why don’t you just invite us to the party?” Fabulous asks.

“Are you kidding? My mom thinks Alanna is her daughter in a cool piranha costume.”

“Did you get us something to drink?” Alanna asks as she wraps the cape around her shoulders and puts the hood up over her head.

“I’m thirsty too,” Fabulous says.

“Okay, okay. I’ll see what my mom has. Let’s go.”

“A latte would be good.”

“A latte? I don’t think so.”

“Oh, I want a latte too,” Alanna says.

“No!” I tell them putting my foot down. “You cannot have coffee! I’ll get you lemonade or something.”

“Make it pink lemonade. The kind with strawberry slices in it.”

“How do you even know there’s such a thing as strawberry lemonade?”

“Commercials,” the two of them say in unison.

“Whatever. Let’s go.”

Alanna scoops up Fabulous in her hand and we leave the room. We hurry down the hall and rush down the stairs to the main floor. We are just about to open the door to the basement when my mom comes through the kitchen.

“Flint?” she says upon seeing Alanna, Fabulous and me.

Alanna freezes in her tracks and Fabulous starts shaking like crazy. My mother does a double take. I take a deep breath and try to figure out what to do next.

“Flint,” my mother says again. “Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

“Uh…this is Alanna. She’s…a friend of mine.”

My mother looks down at Alanna’s shoes which instead of being sneakers like they should be are a pair of Stacy’s high heels.

“I see,” my mother says. “Aren’t you going to invite your…friend to lunch?”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I need to get to rehearsal,” Alanna says. “I’m performing for Parent’s Day weekend.”

Mortified, I turn slowly and look at her.

“Really?” my mother says.

“Yes.”

“My daughter is performing at the Parent’s Day weekend too.”

“Really?”

“Alanna, you’re going to be late,” I tell her and grab her by the hand. “I promised I’d drive her over to rehearsals.”

“But we’re just about to have lunch,” my mom says.

“Oh…hi, Alanna,” Brooke says coming into the kitchen and the most inopportune time. “Are you joining us for lunch too?”

“I’m taking her to her rehearsal,” I say.

“You know her?” my mother asks.

“It’s Flint’s girlfriend,” Stacy says shoving a baby carrot in her mouth as she saunters up behind Brooke.”

“Girlfriend?” my mom says surprised. “You have a girlfriend?”

“We’re just friends, mom,” I say dragging Alanna through the kitchen towards the door.

“Apparently, she’s performing at Parent’s Weekend with you,” my mom says to Stacy.

“What?” Stacy says confused. “I’m not performing at Parent’s Weekend.”

“You just told me you were when you were in your room not more than thirty minutes ago wearing that elaborate fish costume.”

“Are you on drugs? I’d never wear a fish costume. Unless I was a sexy mermaid princess or something.”

“But…Flint!” my mother calls after me. “What is going on?”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: CRUELLA (2021)-Disney+

I must admit when I sat down to watch Cruella I was not expecting much. But I came away pleasantly surprised. This is an eye popping, clever, entertaining Disney tale for both kids and adults alike. Emma Stone as Estelle/Cruella and Emma Thompson as the Baroness are fantastic, the story is well crafted by Dana Fox, Tony McNamara, Aline Brosh, Kelly Marcel, and Steve Zissis, and Craig Gillespie (I, Tonya & Lars and the Real Girl) turns in a terrific directing job. Not to mention the gorgeous highly imaginative Oscar winning costumes by Jenny Beavan which are as someone pointed out to me a character in the film as well.

This is the origin story for the villain Cruella from the film One Hundred and One Dalmatians based on the novel The Hundred and One Dalmatians by Dodie Smith. Estella is a brilliant and eccentric child. Raised by her sweet and kind single mother she learns the value of a mother’s love from a young age. But plucky Estella has difficulty getting along with others in school and her mother sees it might be better for the two of them to move to London. On the way, her mother makes a detour to visit an old friend and pandemonium ensues. The events that occur set Estella on the path to follow her dream of becoming a great fashion designer and eventually one of Disney’s most notorious villains.  

Good morning. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce Chapter twenty-nine of Alanna the Piranha. A few more weeks and I will be done with this story and on to a new one.

I must say I have a bone to pick with the Academy Awards. I was accepting of most of the winners except for one. One which was so abysmal its shamefulness stood head and shoulders below all the others. And that is the winner for Best Original Song. Apparently, the Academy has a new unwritten rule that if your song is nominated you must show up to the awards show and perform it yourself or it won’t be performed at all. Is that not the stupidest rule ever! One of the best moments in recent years was when Robin Williams and company performed Blame Cannada from South Park Bigger, Longer and Uncut. Van Morrison was on tour. His tour dates were obviously set before he was nominated. It was completely understandable why he couldn’t be there because like most responsible people the man works for a living.

How big a travesty would it have been if say Bruce Springsteen could have performed “Down to Joy “by Van Morrison for him? Or maybe Neil Young? Or possibly Mick Jagger? How awful would it have been if one of those juggernauts could have, I don’t know, stood up in front of millions of people and performed a brand-new song by Van Morrison. And not just a song by Van Morrison but clearly the song that should have won the Oscar! No one seemed to quibble when The Doors performed Gloria. Why is the Academy quibbling now?

Why in the world would any Oscar voter ever vote for “No Time to Die” by Billy Eilish and Phineas? Why would you do something that utterly odd? That song is unbearably pedestrian. Do these voters not lose sleep over what they’ve done? I certainly have!

Please understand I am not of the belief that Ms. Eilish and her brother couldn’t eventually write a song that would be Oscar worthy, and quite frankly they should aspire to do so. Lady Gaga, Eminem and Adelle are all artists who have written Oscar worthy winning songs at a young age. Prince went a step further and won an Oscar for Best Original Song Score for the astoundingly brilliant Purple Rain at the tender age of twenty-six. Ms. Eilish and her brother are quite young and have a long career ahead of themselves. She is certainly a beautiful young woman with an exquisite voice. It’s just that this song just wasn’t up to snuff.  

Anyway, here is Chapter twenty-nine of Alanna the Piranha. Enjoy!

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

It’s three o’clock in the afternoon. Alanna and Fabulous practice their routine for me and when they finish, I applaud.

“There’s one thing that concerns me,” I tell them.

“What’s that?” Fabulous asks.

“Where is this going? I mean I get the initial surprise you guys have had singing and dancing, but I don’t see where you can go from there.”

“Haven’t you seen that guy who does the singing president routine?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he doesn’t sing the same songs every time. He comes up with different ones and together it’s a full act.”

“Maybe. I mean I’ve only seen the guy perform a couple of songs not his whole show. But I would bet there’s some sort of, I don’t know, transition between the songs.”

“But we don’t need to worry about that right now,” Alanna says. “We just need a collection of different song and dance routines we do that we can perform to help warm up the main act.”

“Yes, but if you want to push this act forwards and become the feature performers you need to start building a whole show with an arc not just snippets.”

“Flint has a point,” Fabulous says. “We could make a lot more money if we had a feature act.”

“Oh, I like more money,” Alanna said. “Speaking of which I need to go to Stacy’s room and borrow more clothes. I need a new outfit for tonight.”

“Your outfit was good enough last night,” I tell her. “You don’t need a new one.”

“But it takes time to pick out all the pieces that go together to make it work.”

“Not today, Alanna.”

She puts her hand on her hip. “What about tomorrow?”

My phone rings and I look at the number. It’s The Zipper. Alanna and Fabulous gather around me and I put him on speaker phone.

“Kid, kid,” he tells me. “I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell ya. That was quite a show last night, quite a show.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve got some good news for you and Gams, kid.”

“Which is?”

“Which is?”

“Since you’ve gotten two standing ovations in a row, I thought I’d tell you I got a booking for all my inhouse acts over at the university. We’re going to do a big show, a big show. You ever hear of Parent’s Weekend, kid?”

The temperature under my collar just shot up to 103 degrees. “Mr. Zipper…”

“It’s a big deal, kid. A big deal. Back in my day Jerry Seinfeld did a performance for Parent’s Weekend right before his big show came out and he hit big. You wanna hit big, kid?”

“Look, I thought my…the act was supposed to be about opening for your main attractions at the club.”

“It is, kid. It is. But you’ve gotta think big. You hear what I’m saying? You gotta think big. Big means taking the tiger by the tail. You gotta grab that tiger by the tail and give her a swing.”

“The act is designed for a small stage.”

“Nonsense, kid. I want to see your girl and that raspy voiced bunny on the big stage. And make sure you get a knockout costume for Gams. I want her up there looking like a million bucks.”

Alanna hears this comment and starts bouncing up and down and clapping her hands. I roll my eyes. “Can I think about this?” I tell The Zipper.

“Kid, you don’t have time to think about this. It’s now or never because the show is in two days.”

“Two days?!”

“I know you can pull it off, kid. I know you can pull it off. I’ll email you the details. Ciao!”

“Wait, I…!

The Zipper hangs up. I’m doomed.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: DRIVE MY CAR (2021)-HBO Max

Winner of the BAFTA for International Feature Film and the Oscar for International Feature Film this is a smart sumptuous meditation on life, love, and loss. I must warn you that not only is this film is for mature audiences only, it’s also a master class level film. What I mean by that is it’s primarily for cinephiles who enjoy movies on a deeper level and don’t mind being engrossed in a languid three-hour story. And for cinephiles this is a must see.

World class professional theatre actor and director Yūsuke Kafuku (Hidetoshi Nishijima) is married to talented screenwriter Oto (Reika Kirishima). Oto’s muse is sex, or in other words she writes her stories while having sex. But there is a deeper side to Oto’s method which involves a past incident between her and her husband Yūsuke. Yūsuke’s acting method, on the other hand, is to drive around in his red 1987 Saab 900 Turbo delivering his character’s lines while playing a recording of Oto reading the lines opposite his currently is Chekov’s Uncle Vanya. While playing the part of Uncle Vanya Yūsuke has a mental breakdown. After two years pass Yūsuke is invited to Hiroshima to ironically direct Chekov’s Uncle Vanya with an unconventional cast. While he is there, he is told by the theatre company that because of past accidents involving their talent, Yūsuke is required to have a chauffeur drive his car for him.

He is assigned a young woman named Misaki Watari (Tōko Miura) whose troubled past has parallels to his own. As Yūsuke is casting the play he comes across a famous and talented young actor named Kōji (Masaki Okada) who Yūsuke knows once had an affair with Oto.

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce my twenty-eighth chapter of Alanna the Piranha. Because we discuss and recommend movies as well as television shows on this site every week, my novelist, the Maltese, and I have decided we will throw in our two cents about the Oscar occurrence. After writing up an eight-point plan of how we would handle the incident if we were the Academy, and then producing a written summary of our thoughts which turned out to be longer than the eight-point plan we decided instead to give a brief opinion about our take on the slap heard round the world. Here it is:

1. The Academy should approach their decisions from a Rashomon/Oleanna point of view. Or in other words the blame lies on the shoulders of three individuals and not just one albeit at varying degrees of guilt and for different reasons.
2. Mr. Smith should not have his Oscar rescinded. An Academy Award, except for the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, is not given as a measure of one’s moral stature. It is awarded for the individual’s talent and their outstanding work in a particular film as decided by the Academy voters and verified by an accounting firm presently being PwC. This is done in advance of the ceremony. Mr. Smith earned his Oscar despite his actions on the night of the presentation. Retracting it puts the Academy at risk of having all their awards choices past, present, and future contended. This does not mean that other privileges should not be stripped from Mr. Smith as well as and to a lesser degree Mr. Rock, and Ms. Pinkett Smith who also played minor parts in this fiasco. They most certainly should, and we have our opinions as to what those privileges ought to be. But we stand firm in our believe that Mr. Smith’s Oscar should not be revoked. Those who believe that one’s actions should determine one’s success are either idiots, fools, or sensory judgement personality types.

And here is chapter twenty-eight of Alanna the Piranha. Enjoy!

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Twenty-Eighth

This afternoon I am showing Alanna and Fabulous some new dance steps. To my surprise bunnies are far more agile than one would expect. I imagine that’s why they hop so well.

“Alright,” I tell them. “What I think might work is if we can somehow get Fabulous off the stool occasionally. Maybe during the guitar solo. The trick of course is not to get her winded. If Fabulous gets winded she can’t sing.”

“What do you propose?” Fabulous asks.

“I was thinking possibly that if you can keep your balance, Alanna could hold her hands straight out at her sides, and you could hop off your stool onto the hand closest to you and then spring onto her head and do a few dance moves.”

“You want me to take a flying leap from Alanna’s hand onto her head?”

“Yes.”

“What if I can’t hold my hands out that long?” Alanna asks. “What if they get tired?”

“You won’t have to hold them out that long at all. Just long enough to get Fabulous onto one. Then once she’s boogied in your hand then she can hop up on your head and do some of the moves I taught her up there.”

“Fabulous is going to dance on my head?”

“Just for a little bit. Then she can hop down into your opposite hand, and you can turn around and she can hop back onto the stool and keep singing. It’ll be a super cool short routine. Just trust me.”

“Should we give it a try?” Fabulous asks.

“Yeah, let’s go. Okay, Alanna. Let’s see you do those steps I taught you. The ones at the beginning of the song.”

“I feel exposed doing them, Flint. They’re too sexy.”

“The song’s supposed to be sexy. You’re performing in a comedy club.”

“Yes, but I have limits you know.”

“I’m not asking that much, Alanna. Just go over the steps I taught you.”

“I feel like a rock slut.”

“You’re supposed to be like a rock slut.”

“But I don’t like it, Flint. I don’t like it one bit.”

“Just take it from the top.”

“Come on, Alanna,” Fabulous says. “If I can hop up on your head you can do these steps.”

“Next time I get to pick the song,” Alanna gripes.

“Make sure you lift on the ball of your foot when you do the triple pirouette spin and don’t lean too far forwards when you come out of it, or you’ll lose your balance. You want to be especially careful not to trip and knock Fabulous off her stool.”

“Yes,” Fabulous says. “Don’t do that.”

“I know, I know,” Alanna says. “But you’re asking too much of me, Flint. These steps are a lot more advanced than the ones we did for our audition and first performance.”

“Every time you go out on that stage you need to know exactly what you’re doing and raise the ante one more notch.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one who is going to be wearing hot pants and stilettos.”

“Stilettos? No, no, no. Hang on.”

I head over to my desk and open the large bottom drawer. I take out a shoe box with a pair of character shoes in it. I head back and hand the box to Alanna. She takes out the shoes. They are black with a T-strap across the top and a small silver buckle on the side.

“These are real dancing shoes,” I tell her. “All leather top and bottom so you can flex your feet and spin in them without tripping or having them fly off your feet.”

“Oh, Flint! They’re beautiful!”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s have you put them on so we can practice.”

“What about me?” Fabulous asks. “Don’t I get shoes?”

“You have four paws. How am I supposed to get you dancing shoes?”

“You could get me some of those fancy paw coverings”

“If I do, you run the risk of slipping. Your natural paws will serve you much better.”

“I want the fancy paw coverings.”

“What if you slip?”

“Many paw coverings are designed to keep the creature wearing it from slipping.”

“I am not getting you fancy paw coverings.”

I sit at the back of The Chuckle Duck waiting for Alanna and Fabulous to perform. The Zipper has just finished his schtick with Frenchy and Blocko. I had to rush over to PETCO before the show to pick up Fabulous some paw coverings. Did you know some of these things have rhinestones? Anyway, I am waiting for the music to kick in.

“Alright, alright,” The Zipper says. “Again, welcome to The Chuckle Duck. We’ve got some great performers here tonight, some great performers. Right now, we’re going to introduce you to our first act of the evening. They blew you away with their rendition of “Legs” by ZZ Top. Now they’re here to bring you another dynamite act of their own unusual brand of comedy. Let’s give it up for Alanna and Fabulous!

Word must have gotten around about them because as soon as The Zipper said, “Alanna and Fabulous”, the crowd went insane. Fabulous yells out the lyrics to the opening part of the song. Alanna throws up a kick higher than she’s ever kicked before. Guitar strains are exploding, drums are banging, and Fabulous belts out the lyrics of “Cherry Pie” by Warrant with her gravel ridden voice. Up front to the left I see a couple of young guys throw their underwear onstage. I have no idea how they managed to get their underwear off without anyone noticing but up onstage the underwear flies. Luckily it flies off to the side near the curtain and Alanna avoids tripping.

I’m glad I got her the T-strap character shoes because we worked a cartwheel into the routine which she executes. Her dance move is met with frenetic cheers.

The guitar solo starts, and Alanna holds out her hand. Fabulous, wearing those overpriced rhinestone paw coverings hops into her palm. I hold my breath. She takes a flying leap and lands…on Alanna’s shoulder. I face palm right then and there. She missed Alanna’s head. But Alanna leans forwards which allows Fabulous to roll across Alanna’s back from one shoulder to the other. When Fabulous gets to the opposite shoulder, she takes a flying leap which in my mind happens in slow motion, much like Peter Griffins car when he jumps the unjumpable canyon to “Panama” by Van Halen. She lands perfectly on Alanna’s head and rocks out just like we practiced. More screams from the audience ensue.

Fabulous jumps back down onto Alanna’s other hand and Alanna turns around just like we practiced allowing Fabulous to hop back onto her stool. Fabulous leans into the microphone and starts singing right as Alanna gets into position to execute her final triple pirouette. But we don’t see the third pair of underwear coming. It hits the floor just as Alanna begins her spin and she leans forwards losing her balance. This causes the Newfoundland Bunny to slide off the chair and into the crowd.

Luckily a group people in the crowd see it coming and they all run to the stage. Fabulous lands on raised hands and more audience members join the mosh pit. Fabulous goes body surfing around the room. The song ends and the crowd is on their feet, screaming, crying, applauding. Two standing ovations down. One to go.     

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: CODA (2021)-Apple TV+

As Gigi mentioned last week, we are adding a few more streaming services to pull stream of the week movies and television shows from and one of them is Apple TV+. This week’s movie won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for Troy Kotsur and Best Original Screenplay for the film’s writer and director Sian Heder. The Best Picture race was a competition between thinking films and feeling films. The feelers won and CODA also took home the top prize. For me the biggest head scratcher about this movie is although she was nominated for a BAFTA Emilia Jones who plays Ruby Rosi was not nominated for Best Actress even though she had to learn sign language, play the part with an American accent, sing very well, and learn how to drive a commercial fishing boat. I have no idea what the Oscars were thinking. Her performance is outstanding in every way. This is the feel-good film of the year. Unfortunately, that often means errors and/or plot contrivances in the story. One glaring example is Ruby constantly falling asleep in class and struggling with her subjects, but she can somehow be in contention for a full ride scholarship for more than $42,000 a year in tuition alone to The Berklee College of Music. Berklee requires not only an audition but a 3.15 GPA minimum. It does not require SAT or ACT scores, but they don’t exactly tell you not to turn in your scores when applying. The acceptance rate is high but

that doesn’t mean you can slack academically. This isn’t to say Ruby is trying to get into MIT or something like that, but she does have to have a solid B average.

Also, I find it hard to believe her parents and older brother don’t know their daughter has been singing for years. She does it every day on the boat. Just because they can’t hear it doesn’t mean they can’t see it. I really wish some of these screenwriters would do their homework.

That said, CODA does do a lot of things right. It’s the story of the youngest child of an otherwise all-deaf family of fishermen. Not only can Ruby hear but she has a naturally gifted singing voice which she exercises every single morning when they go out to get their daily catch. When Ruby signs up for Choir and meets the choir teacher, fastidious Bernardo Villalobos (wonderfully played by Eugenio Derbez) he picks up on her raw but extraordinary talent and offers to coach her so she can gain acceptance into his alma matter, Berklee. This creates a great divide between Ruby and her family who have always depended on her to keep their business afloat. Ruby is a well-defined and interesting character, and the depictions of what it is like to be deaf and the ups and downs of having that condition are good.

However, please keep in mind this film does not have the depth or complexity of this year’s more meticulously written cerebral contenders The Power of the Dog or Drive My Car. But it is a pleasure to watch just the same and good one for both teens and adults alike.

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce my twenty-seventh chapter of Alanna the Piranha. As you know this Sunday, March 27^th is the Oscars. Now as you may know my novelist has not mentioned all the watch worthy nominated films so she will be continuing to list the best ones in her Stream of the Week past the ceremony. Some are just coming to streaming and others are only available in the theatres. She and I enjoy being able to mention a great film we find on streaming every week and to be able to pull it from different streaming sources.

I am Tucker and I am a Maltese.

Get out of here!

I wanted to let you know our novelist…

My novelist!

Is going to be mentioning films from some services we have not mentioned before. One of them has lots of doggie shows.

She is not going to mentions shows just because they have doggies in them!

I like doggie shows.

You are an imbecilic muppet. Anyway, here is Chapter Twenty-Seven of Alanna the Piranha. And may the Oscar go to you someday.  

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Twenty-Seventh

At two o’clock in the afternoon my phone rings. I check it and it’s The Zipper. Alanna and Fabulous crowd around me. I put him on speaker phone.

“Kid, kid,” he says. “I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell ya, that was quite a show, quite a show. I want to sign you up for a full-time gig. I’ll have you and Gams perform Wednesday thru Saturday. Four days a week kid. I’ll pay you two hundred a night. What do ya say, what do ya say?”

“We’re better than two hundred a night,” Fabulous whispers to me.

“That seems a little low,” I say into the phone.

“That’s top dollar, kid. Top dollar.”

“But we got a standing ovation.”

“Oh, kid, come on! Everyone gets standing ovations these days.”

“We were the only act at your club that got a standing ovation.”

“That’s only one standing ovation, kid. You’d need at least three for me to pay over two bills a performance.”

“Tell him fine,” Fabulous whispers. “If we get two more standing ovations this week, we get two hundred and fifty a performance.”

“If we get two more standing ovations this week,” I tell The Zipper, “We get two hundred and fifty dollars per performance.”

“Done-o,” The Zipper says.  “But you’d better get those two ovations.”

“We will.”

“Say, I was wondering…Gams. Is she single?”

“Why?”

“I was wondering if she’d like to get a drink sometime…out of costume of course.”

Alanna who is listening to the conversation gives me a look of pure horror and shakes her head vehemently.

“I don’t think Alanna’s dating right now,” I say.

“You two an item, huh?”

I look at Alanna who nods her head.”

“We are strictly business,” I say. “She’s just not dating right now.”

Alanna lowers her eyes and I feel like a douche.

“You tell her if she changes her mind, I’d like to take her out for a drink.”

“I’ll do that.”

“Alright, kid. I’ll see you tonight. Same funny time, same funny channel.”

I hang up and find Alanna has huge tears rolling down her piranha face. I reach out my hand to comfort her. “Alanna…”

“Don’t touch me!” she says and runs over and hurls herself on my bed.

“Alanna, it was just something I said to The Zipper, so he’d quit harassing you.

“You could have just told him you and Alanna are an item,” Fabulous says.

“I know. I just didn’t want to lie.”

“I feel so abandoned!” Alanna wails.

“No one’s abandoning you, Alanna,” I tell her.

“You spend more time with Fabulous and me than anyone else in your life. That should account for something.”

“I spend a lot of time with you because we’re friends.”

“Oh, Flint!” she cries writhing on the mattress. “We’re so much more than friends.”

“But we are not dating.”

“Fine,” she sniffles. “You go tell The Zipper I will go out with him on that date.”

“No, Alanna,” Fabulous says. “He’s too old for you. Not to mention he’s scum.”

“At least he sees me as attractive.”

“You deserve better.”

Right this minute I am so glad the bunny can talk.

“You’re right,” Alanna says. “I deserve Flint.”

“I used to dance,” I say changing the subject.

“Seriously?” Fabulous says.

“In middle school and high school. I kind of quit once I got to college.”

“Why?”

“It never got me any girlfriends.”

“I’m throwing myself at you!” Alanna moans.

“Who cares if you had any girlfriends?” Fabulous says.

“I’m just bringing up the subject because I could help you and Alanna improve your routine.”

“Teach me how to dance.”

“I can tweak your routine, but I don’t know if I can do that.”

“If you don’t teach us how to dance better,” Alanna says. “I’m going to take everything I want out of Stacy’s room.”

“You wouldn’t do that,” I say.

“Watch me.”

Alanna jumps off the bed and bolts for the stairs.

“Alanna!”

She opens the door at the top and walks out.

“You’ve done it now,” Fabulous says.

I run up the stairs two steps at a time. Luckily, my mom has gone into town to get her hair done and my dad is at work. I sprint down the hall to Stacy’s room where Alanna is pulling dresses off Stacy’s hangers.

“Stop this, Alanna!”

“You don’t want me, and you won’t teach me how to dance better!”

“Put Stacy’s things back and I’ll show you a couple of steps.”

“Not good enough!”

Alanna grabs more clothes, marches over to Stacy’s dresser, and picks up Stacy’s jewelry box that matches her jewelry armoire.

“Put that down!”

Alanna stamps her foot. “Teach me how to dance better!”

“Fine. Just put down the jewelry box and give me the clothes.”

“And teach Fabulous how to dance too.”

“All she can do is hop around.”

“Well, Mr. Fancy Biochemist, why don’t you tweak your stupid CRISPR Cas9 shots and grow her a pair of legs!”

“Fine! I’ll teach you both how to really dance!”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: RAYA AND THE LAST DRAGON (2021)-Disney+

A lot of Oscar voters are probably in love with last week’s pick, Encanto which stands a solid chance of winning Best Animated Film this year at the Oscars. But pound for pound of the four out of five animated films nominated this year that I’ve seen my favorite by far is Raya and the Last Dragon. Where The Mitchells vs The Machines has funny moments but annoyingly silly plot contrivances and Encanto has a riveting plot, but a boing and vapid ending, Raya and the Last Dragon remains solidly written throughout. The story begins with the backstory of how a plague once ravaged the world 500 years ago turning everything in its wake into stone. But one family of dragons pulled together their collective talents into one large gem. The gem worked as a deterrent to the plague and mankind was saved. But only one dragon survived the devastation and is rumored to have ended up somewhere at the end of one of many, many rivers.

Unfortunately, because people are basically evil, the world divided into five tribes with only one holding the gem and the other four fighting to possess it. Raya’s father leads the tribe that holds the stone and has long trained his daughter Raya to protect it. But when one of the other tribes causes a catastrophic event, it is up to Raya and her trusty pet/vehicle Tuk Tuk to find Sisu, the last remaining dragon, repair the damage and reunite the tribes as Kumandra. Kelly Marie Tran is excellent as Raya and Awkwafina is perfectly cast as Sisu.  

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to wish you a very Happy St. Patrick’s Day. My novelist is donned all in green and looks like a misplaced leprechaun. She even partook in a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast, a perennial St. Patrick’s Day meal. This evening we will be dining on corn beef and cabbage and my novelist’s favorite soda bread. They really should sell that stuff in the grocery stores year-round. Some places may just not around here. I have been taking it easy and have been enjoying the rain. My novelist and I have an agreement that I do not take walks in heavy rain. Yes, yes, I know other dogs do it, but I most certainly do not.

I am pleased to say that the Maltese acquired a couple of ticks. My novelist had to pull out her tick removal tweezers and I was overjoyed by his misery. We were then both given a dose of Frontline and the fun was taken away. Which brings me to Alanna the Piranha chapter 26. Насолодитися!

ALANNA THE PIRANHA

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Twenty-Sixth

The Chuckle Duck looks very different in the dark. There are a lot of people in here for a Wednesday night. A few cocktail waitresses dressed in short black skirts and silky mallard green button up blouses serve drinks. The wide candle holders on tables are all lit giving the place some definite ambiance. Believe it or not there is a dress code here. All the men are in sport coats and the women wear dresses, skirts, or slacks. No jeans or t-shirts or flip-flops allowed. You’d think as a basement dwelling Incel I’d hate that but honestly it gives the place a touch of class.

I am a nervous wreck and am situated at a single table in one of the far back corners of the room. I am wearing my dad’s sports coat which just happens to have a green finish on it. It’s a size or two too big but I kind of like it anyway. I almost put on a tie but I’m glad I didn’t because I would be choking from the stress right now.

The lights flicker a couple of times, and some upbeat late night talk show type music starts to play. A spotlight hits the back of the room and I see The Zipper in a wild suit that could have rivaled anything in Don Cherry’s wardrobe: a bold silk green with huge yellow flowers splashed all over it. He wipes his brow with a green silk pocket square before bounding through the tables and up on stage like a badger on crack.

“How’re you doing? How’s everybody doing?”

Someone in the audience calls out, “Quack, quack!” and The Zipper says in a cheery voice, “Oh! Someone’s been here before, someone’s been here before!”

I think I want to leave right this minute.

“Okay, okay,” The Zipper continues, “This is how we always start the show, I say “quack, quack” and then you say “quack, quack”. Is everybody ready?!”

“Yes!” the audience yells resoundingly.

“Quack, quack!” The Zipper says.

“Quack, quack!” the audience responds.

“Quack, quack!” the audience responds.

“Quack, quack!”

“Quack, quack!

“Quack…

“Boo!” some guy in the audience yells. Boo!”

“Oh,” The Zipper says. “We’ve got a live one here tonight.”

“Boo!” the guy yells again. “Boo!”

The Zipper laughs a little too frenetically. “Yep, yep. We’ve got a live one.”

I lean over to get a good look at the guy, and I can see its Frenchy, The Zipper’s gangly right-hand man.

“The Zipper sucks!” Frenchy yells.

I am confused as to why Frenchy would boo his boss. Unless of course it’s part of the act.

The Zipper chuckles again and says into his microphone, “Blocko! Oh, Blocko! We’ve got a live one here!”

A tall, ripped body building woman in a green sequin bikini who looks like she could beat up half the Women’s WWE members stands boldly in the spotlight to my left. She growls and flexes her muscles before striding over to Frenchy. She grabs the would-be heckler, picks him up and holds him over her head.

Audience members laugh and scream, knock back their alcohol, knock over their alcohol and become thoroughly engaged in the show. Frenchy protests Blocko getting physical as she begins to turn him around in circles. This is harrowing as it is close quarters in the club and I’m terrified Blocko is going to clock someone in the head with Frenchy.

“Stop! Frenchy screams. “Stop!”

Blocko stops and with Frenchy still over her head demands, “Cry Chuckle!”

“No!” Frenchy protests. “I will not cry Chuckle!”

Blocko spins him around again causing more screams and laughs. None of this is helping me because I just want the show to start so Alanna and Fabulous can perform their act and get it over with.  

“Chuckle!” Frenchy cries out. “Chuckle!”

Blocko drops Frenchy on the floor and flexes her muscles. The audience cheers and claps as she picks him up and passes by me before exiting the back of the room. As the audience settles down, I see Frenchy sneak into the booth and take his suit off to reveal a smiley face t-shirt and cutoff jeans. He runs his fingers through his wild hair and plops down behind the control board.

cutoff jeans. He runs his fingers through his wild hair and plops down behind the control board.

“First up,” The Zipper announces, “we have a debut act. A local duo that’s going to knock your socks off. Give it up for Alanna and Fabulous!”

The audience claps as Alanna enters from stage left. She’s wearing my hooded cape and her face is covered. In her upstage hand she carries a wooden stool and in her downstage hand she carries Fabulous. She set the stool downstage right and placed Fabulous on it. Fabulous is wearing a miniature pair of sunglasses. I could hear patrons saying “Awe!” and “Isn’t that cute!”

Alanna adjusted Fabolous’s microphone which drew a little laughter from the crowd. Then Alanna glided over to stage left and struck a dramatic pose. I sunk low in my chair and prepared for the worst.

The audience waited for the music to come on, but nothing happened. There was an uncomfortable silence followed by a buzz of murmurs. I watched Alanna and Fabulous onstage who appeared calm and unruffled by the delay. I glanced up in the booth to my left and saw Frenchy studying two different disks as if he couldn’t figure out which one to put into the sound system. He shook his head, made a choice, and stuck one disk in. I felt a small sense of relief.

Suddenly, classical music started to play. I don’t know much about classical music, but the tune sounded like something I’d heard in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I looked back at the booth and Frenchy removed the disk and threw it against the wall. He snatched the second disk, shoved it into the machine as a confused audience mumbled and grumbled.

My heart went out to my two genetically altered friends onstage. Even though I thought they would be trembling they remained as cool as the periodic chart. Suddenly, the 2019 remastered version of “Legs” by ZZ Top kicked. Alanna started bending her knees bouncing to the beat. Fabulous bounced her head. The audience watched transfixed knowing something unusual was about to happen.  

Alanna does a rond de jambe kick, spins, and lunges. Fabulous breaks out into song with her gravelly voice. The audience starts clapping along with the beat. Alanna spins around again, throws back the hood, and exposes her piranha face. The claps cease. Gasps fill the air. Then laughs. Alanna continues to boogie as Fabulous continues to sing. The audience thinks Alanna as part piranha is part of the act and commences clapping to the beat. Alanna does a triple pirouette and Fabulous ends the song. The audience jumps to its feet giving them a standing ovation and I can’t help but feel a surge of pride.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: ENCANTO (2021)-Disney+

Encanto is a colorful imaginative tale from Disney pictures nominated for Best Animated Film. It is the story of a Columbian teenager named Mirabel who lives in a magical house. Everyone in her family has a magical power bestowed upon them by the house at a young age…except Mirabel. This leaves her always living life on the outside, and always marginalized by her relatives. As the family prepares for the house to bestow youngest member Antonio’s magical gift on him Mirabel starts to see signs the house may be in danger.

The film is gorgeous looking and full of fun and interesting characters. I do wish the third act and the ending were as engaging as the rest of the film but that said this is a great movie for both adults and kids alike.

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to present chapter twenty-five of Alanna the Piranha. I must say when it rains it pours. My novelist carted me off to the groomers this week after all that kafuffle with my dental cleaning. Although I do look much more like my magnificent self and am ready for warmer weather it is not yet spring, and the air is still rather chilly. The Maltese was also groomed but to a less spectacular effect. And he shivers every time he goes outside now which adds a bit of amusement to my day. I shiver too but his agony is much more delightful. My quivering is merely stylish. And with that thought here is chapter twenty-five of Alanna the Piranha. Насолодитися!

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Twenty-Fifth

“Where is it?!”

I can hear Stacy yelling upstairs and running around. When she loses something, she can be rather narrow focused.

“Where is my bracelet?!”

“What bracelet, dear?” I hear my mom ask.

“My Classic Pear Tennis Bracelet!”

“Well, you know I never touch your jewelry…”

“It should be right here! Right here in my jewelry armoire!”

“Are you talking about the one with the rhino?”

“The one with the sapphire cubic zirconia! I love that bracelet!”

“Well, dear, you love all your jewelry…”

“But I especially love the Classic Pear Tennis Bracelet with the sapphire CZs! It’s my favorite! My absolute most favorite!”

Stacy let out a primal scream. It is terrifying when Stacy lets out a primal scream. She throws something because I hear a loud thud against the wall.

“I’m going to lose it!” Stacy yells as if she hasn’t lost it already.

“Do you remember when you had it last?”

“In my jewelry armoire!”

Alanna tiptoes across the floor and I catch something twinkling on her wrist.

“Alanna,” I say. “Are you wearing Stacy’s Classic Pear Tennis Bracelet with the sapphire CZs?”

Alanna fidgets nervously. “That would be wrong,” she says.

“Yes, it would.”

A big tear forms in her piranha eye. “It was just so pretty,” she says. “I was looking for something to wear for Fabulous and my first performance and…it was so pretty.”

“Alanna, you have got to stop hunting for bling in Stacy’s bedroom.”

“But it’s not fair!” she says and stomps her foot. “I’m a girl too! I like pretty things!”

“Alanna, Stacy’s things aren’t yours. Don’t go into her room again. Let me help you find what you need for your costume. Stacy has things she wants to get rid of and…”

“Stacy has things, and I should have things. You need to take me shopping and let me try on pretty things.”

“I can’t take you shopping, Alanna.”

“Why not? You’ve taken me other places.”

“Look…I could order you something online…

“It won’t get here on time! I need it by tomorrow!”

“What’s all that racket down there?” my mom demands.

“Just working, mom,” I call back.

“Be quiet!” Stacy yells. “My bracelet is missing!”

I give Alanna a warning look. “If I can find your bracelet,” I call up to Stacy, “Will you give me something for it?”

“Did you steal it?!”

“I didn’t steal your bracelet, Stacy. If I can find it, can we make a trade?”

“A trade for what?”

“Shoes,” Alanna whispers.

“How about a pair of shoes?” I call up to Stacy.

“What kind of shoes?” Stacy asks.

“High heeled pumps,” Alanna whispers.

“Uh…high heeled pumps!”

“I’m not going to support your weird shoe fetish, pervert,” Stacy yells. “That’s halfway to incest!”

“They’re for my…friend!”

“You mean that weird renaissance fair cloak girl?”

“Yes!”

“A girl?” I can hear my mother ask Stacy.

“She needs them for a show,” I explain.

“I’ll bet,” Stacy says sarcastically.

“I’ll be right up!” Then I turn to Alanna and say, “Give me the bracelet and I’ll get you the shoes.”

“But I won’t have anything shiny to wear,” she says as another tear forms in her piranha eye.

I can’t stand to see her cry. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Could you get me some lip balm too? The heat has been on in the house because its cold outside and it’s making my lips chap.”

“Sure. Stacy’s a virtuoso when it comes to lip balms. I can probably talk her out of a couple.”

“Thank you, Flint.”

I head up the stairs to my mother and sister.

“Well, it’s about time,” Stacy says when I reach the top of the stairs.

“Let’s find your bracelet,” I say.

“I think that girl you’re tutoring is stringing you along so she can mooch off you by talking you into talking me into a pair of my shoes.”

“Guess what? I’m going to mooch off you too. I need a couple of lip balms.”

“Are you serious?”

“Chapped lips.”

“You always look like you have chapped lips.”

“Stacy, be civil to your brother,” my mom says. “Flint, do you want to look in Stacy’s room and she and I will check the living room.”

“I didn’t leave my bracelet in the living room, mom,” Stacy says.

“Let’s look there anyway. A fresh set of eyes on your room may help it turn up.”

My mother and sister descend the stairs to the living room which gives me a chance to head into Stacy’s room and slip the bracelet into her oversized jewelry box or armoire or whatever she calls it.

“I found it!” I call to them after a couple of minutes.

I hear the scuffle of anxious feet as my mother and Stacy run back into her room.

“Where?” Stacy demands.

“In your jewelry box.”

“It’s an armoire,” she corrects me. Stacy pushes me aside and pulls open the drawer. “But I looked here,” she says agitated. “I looked in here and it wasn’t there and now it is.”

“Problem solved.”

Stacy gives me the hairy eyeball. “Something’s fishy,” she says.

“Like I said,” my mom says. “A fresh set of eyes.”

“Yeah, right.”

“So, how’s about those shoes and that lip balm?” I ask.

Stacy stares me down. “You’re up to something, Flint.” She turns and opens the drawer of her mirrored dresser and hands me two lip balms before marching to her closet where she retrieves a pair of glossy red pumps and shoves them into my chest. “Have fun. And know that I’m on to you.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: FLEE (2021)–Hulu

This week’s pick is an Oscar contender for both Best Animated Feature Film and Best Documentary Feature. It is the harrowing true story of Amin, an Afghanistan refugee who at the age of thirty-six is finally comfortable enough to tell his best friend and interviewer how he got to Denmark as a young teenager without a family or a friend. What we know about Amin at the top of the film is he is an Academic and an orphan. But as his story unfolds, we begin to find out about the harrowing journey and sacrifices he and his family endured which started in his early in his childhood, through his adolescence in Russia and up to and beyond his arrival in the Netherlands.

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here once again on to present you Chapter Twenty-Four of my story Alanna the Piranha. I cannot believe I’ve been writing this and presenting it every Thursday for twenty-four weeks! I must find a way to wrap it up soon mustn’t I. My novelist is trying to do the same thing with her latest novel. She is on the final draft which is both a relief and a horror. She goes on and on about how the ending is always the most important part of a story. And not just the ending but the final act entire. Beginnings are relatively easy; the middle isn’t too bad. But if you do not leave the audience with a solid ten on the dismount, well now, you have a disastrous mess indeed.

March has arrived, and the best part is Saint Patrick’s Day will be here soon. I am fond of deceiving the Maltese into not wearing green. That way I can pinch him with my teeth. A glorious form of exercise indeed. And with that thought, here is Alanna the Piranha. Насолодитися!

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Twenty-Fourth

“Alright, Alright,” a short squatty man wearing a yellow and brown checked suit says as he enters the small comedy club.

It’s the middle of the afternoon and Alanna, Fabulous and I are seated at a small round wooden table with a red tablecloth and a wide glass candle holder.

“How are you doing? How are you doing?” the man says rubbing his hands together. “Welcome to The Chuckle Duck. Everyone calls me The Zipper. What do they call you, kid?”

“Flint,” I tell him.

“Is that your stage name or what?”

“I’m not the act. I’m just the chauffeur.”

“What’s the act, kid?” he says picking up a random drink off another table and taking a sip of what I guess to be bourbon.

“We are the act,” Fabulous says.

The Zipper looks at the Newfoundland dwarf nestled in Alanna’s arm and back at me. “A ventriloquist, are you, kid?”

“I’m not a ventriloquist,” I tell him.

The Zipper laughs and runs his bejeweled hand through his slick hair. “You kid’s and your phones. Is that how you do it kid?” He looks at Alanna who is wearing my Cosplay cape. “Who’s this gal with the great gams?”

“Alanna,” Alanna says.

“Well, aren’t you mysterious, sweetheart! Alright, alright. Now that we’re acquainted let’s get this show on the road. Show me what you got, kid. Show me what you got.”

Alanna scooped up Fabulous, stood and moved towards the stage. She ascended the steps in a pair of bright blue high heels Stacy had me take a picture of to sell on Poshmark. The Zipper turned to me and said, “Sexy. I like that.”

“Uh, huh,” I say moving my head away from his liquor laced breath.

Alanna sets Fabulous on the wooden stool behind the microphone stand and faces forwards posing like a model on a catwalk. “Did you give Mr. Zipper the CD?” she asks me.

“Oh, right,” I say and hand The Zipper the jewel case.

“Frenchy!” The Zipper calls. “Hey, Frenchy! I need you to play this so the kid can show me her thing.”

A tall skinny guy with wild auburn curls lumbers in and retrieves the disk from The Zipper as if nothing could bore him more and heads to the booth at the back of the theatre. I can tell you right now I’m scared out of my mind. I’ve never seen Alanna and Fabulous’s routine and I don’t want to get arrested.

“I need the microphone lowered,” Fabulous says onstage.

“Is that part of the act?” The Zipper leans in and asks me.

“I just think Fabulous needs the microphone lowered,” I say.

“Fabulous? The rabbit’s got a name? I like it. I like it.” Then he turns towards the booth and yells, “Frenchy! Go up onstage and fix the microphone for the rabbit!”

Frenchy slogs out of the booth and troops onstage. He adjusts the microphone, so it is low enough for Fabulous. As he heads back to the booth, The Zipper yells to him again.

“Frenchy! Move the microphone so we can see the rabbit’s mug.

Frenchy plods back onstage and adjusts the microphone.

“That’s good.”

Frenchy jumps off the stage and heads to the booth.

“Okay, hot stuff,” The Zipper says. “Do your thing, do your thing.”

I hold my breath and close my eyes. The music fires up and the guitar strains to “Legs” by ZZ Top plays. I opened one eye. Onstage Alanna bobs her head to the beat. With her heels together she bends and straightens with every pulse. Fabulous bobs her head in unison. She scootches towards the microphone and sings her first lyric with a surprisingly raspy voice. Alanna pulls back the hood of her cape…

“Whoa!” The Zipper exclaims. “That’s a fine makeup job she’s got there!”

“I did that,” I say stunned I am speaking the words.

Fabulous continues to sing as Alanna twirls around the stage. She throws a roundhouse kick and lands in a dramatic lunge. She relevés and twirls the cape about dancing like a ballerina/pole dancer. She holds the cape high over her head and descends the steps like Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face. She glides up to our table, sides up to The Zipper and wraps the cape around his shoulders before strutting back onstage in those profane blue heels. I glance at The Zipper who is tapping his foot to the infectious beat as Alanna commences with her dance. For the grand finale she performs high Rockette kicks ending with a triple pirouette as the music fades out.

There is an uncomfortable silence before The Zipper springs to his feet and applauds.

“What a show, what a show!” he says. “Yeah, yeah. That’s the kind of schtick I’m looking for to get the audience warmed up for the main attraction. It’s quirky, it’s fresh and…it’s weird. Let’s have you come in Wednesday night and do your thing. We’ll call it a whatchamacallit, a trial run. We’ll see if the audience digs this avant-garde kind of humor.”

“Mr. Zipper, thank you!” Alanna says bouncing up and down on her toes. “Thank you!” She scoops Fabulous off the stool and dances offstage and up to our table.

“I got to tell you,” The Zipper says. “In the twenty years I’ve been doing comedy that is the most effective makeup job I have ever seen. Is that latex or silicon or how to you get that to work? I mean I get the whole ventriloquist thing with throwing the bunny’s voice and all, but that makeup is a mindblower.”

“It’s a trade secret,” I tell him realizing I’m starting to become part of the whole disaster.

“Enough with the small talk,” Fabulous says. “Let’s talk money. What are you paying us for the gig?”

“I got to tell you, kid,” The Zipper says to me, “That’s some fine ventriloquists work you’ve got going on there. The bunny’s mouth moves and everything.”

“How much are you paying us for the gig?” Fabulous repeats.

“Let me think about it, let me think about it…I’ll give you a hundred for the night.”

“Apiece?”

“For the whole act.”

“That stinks! We’re worth at least a hundred a piece!”

“Three hundred for the night on a new and untested act? Not a chance, not a chance.”

“How about two hundred,” I say. “A hundred for Alanna and a hundred for the bunny.”

The Zipper strokes his chin with his bejeweled hand. “Yeah, yeah, I could do two hundred. Frenchy!”

Frenchy slogs out of the booth.

“Go get me a contract for the office. We’re taking this hot mama for a test drive.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: WINTER ON FIRE: UKRAINE’S FIGHT FOR FREEDOM (2015)-Netflix

Next week I will continue with this year’s Oscar nominated films for streaming. But this week I thought I would take a moment and recommend this 2015 Oscar nominated feature film documentary. When I first saw it in 2016 before the Oscars were presented my thought was this should be the winner. It lost out to Amy an extraordinarily well edited film about the life of Amy Winehouse. But as good as that editing was, it was nowhere near as risky and as life threatening to make as this one. You must keep reminding yourself that the film you are seeing is real. You are watching people dying in front of you and the film crew is right amid these occurrences. It stars out in 2013 with jubilation. Thousands of Ukrainian college students celebrating in Maiden on the eve of Ukraine being accepted into the EU. But then the treaty is forsaken by the Ukraine president and the crookedness of the Ukraine government (puppets for Russia), and the Ukraine police are sent to break up the peaceful group. And they don’t do it peacefully. The police rush at the crowds and beat them with batons, smashing people’s heads and faces. After that, the adults take to the streets in protest of how their children were treated and the police come back with rubber bullets. Then they release prisoners to fight the citizens. And then real bullets. I don’t think the Academy was fully aware of how important this footage would come to be. A must-see film.

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce the twenty-third chapter of Alanna the Piranha. We have been having a bit of a cold snap in the great northwest and getting a couple dustings of snow. One occurred on the day I had to go back to the vet. A most distressing event indeed. They wanted to make sure all the cruel things they did to me were looking okay which they are. It does seem to get sunny in the afternoons however which allows me to take my novelist for walks. I am also in desperate need of a trim. My novelist made an appointment for me but could not get one sooner than early March. I am presently sporting the grown-out fluffy look which, all things considered, I look fantastic in. The Maltese, who has his appointment the day before mine cannot pull it off and looks like an absolute wreck. Anyway, here is chapter Twenty-three of Alanna the Piranha. Насолодитися!

Alanna the Piranha

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Twenty-Third

I didn’t sleep at all last night. All I could think about was how dangerous it was to have run into both Brooke and Stacy at the movie theatre. I am concerned Stacy is going to tell my parents I am secretly dating someone. And then my parents are going to want to meet Alanna. And I definitely do not want my parents to meet Alanna.

I’m starting to realize sooner or later I will have to do something about Alanna and Fabulous. They cannot keep living in this basement forever. They need a place of their own and be able to move around in the outside world. I think my hopes of originally developing a girlfriend out of a bunny have become less of a dream and more of a burden. I am fully responsible for Alanna and Fabulous and I cannot expect to explain them to anyone. Not my parents or Stacy or Aunt Linda and certainly not Brooke. And if someone found out about my experiment and that it was partially successful, Alanna and Fabulous might get confiscated and locked up somewhere like Area 51 or NORAD. They might even get carted off to a college research facility where they would prod and poke at them and Alanna would sob incessantly and Fabulous would stop talking.

“Flint,” Alanna says to me as I sulk at my desk.

“Yes?”

“I have a suggestion.”

“What?”

“A suggestion of how to make money.”

“How?”

“Actually, it was my idea,” Fabulous says who is nestled on her mini bed.

“What’s your idea?”

“I’ve been thinking about that strip mall you talk about sometimes. The one with the comic book store you like.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, Alanna and I were looking up other businesses in said strip mall and one of the places is a comedy club called Chuckle Duck.”

“You’re point?”

“What if Alanna and I put together a comedy act and auditioned for the club?”

“You’re kidding.”

“I think it might be a way Alanna and I could go out in public and be ourselves. Hide in plain sight as it were. She wouldn’t have to wear that cape with the huge hood anymore and I could talk. Everyone would think it was part of the act.”

“This is a terrible idea.”

“But we loved going out to the park and the movie theatre so much,” Alanna says bouncing on the balls of her feet. “And if we could pull this off, Flint you wouldn’t have to hide us anymore.”

“I’ve been doing some research about Chuckle Duck,” Fabulous said. “Some of the acts that warm up the audience for the main attraction have gotten bigger gigs. One of them even got their own show in Vegas.”

“This Chuckle Duck gig isn’t going to pay much.”

“It will if we get to Vegas,” Alanna said. “Oh, Flint, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all live in Vegas!”

“Do you have any idea what it would cost to uproot everything and go to Vegas…no. Let’s get back to the point at hand. You are telling me you want to audition for this strip mall comedy club fully exposed without anything to hide your anomalies with?”

“Yes.”

“Good grief!”

“They do both sketch comedy and stand up,” Fabulous says. “I thought Alanna and I could do a type of sketch comedy. They have auditions tomorrow afternoon.”

“Do you have a routine figured out?”

“Yes.”

“We just need you to drive us over.”

“Can I see this routine?”

“Absolutely!” Alanna says.

“You can see it at the audition tomorrow,” Fabulous says.

“This sounds half baked. And how have you been able to practice behind my back anyway?”

“We practice every time you go out to run errands or pick up groceries…or “visit your sister”.”

“Great.”

“I want to do this so much,” Alanna says. “Please, Flint. Please, please, please…”

“Alanna! This is dangerous. I need to think about it.”

“It would be an excuse to invite Brooke on a date,” Fabulous says.

“Why would Flint want to invite Brooke on a date?” Alanna says a note of jealousy in her voice.

Fabulous glances at me then back at Alanna and says, “Because she’s Flint’s friend.”

“I thought she was Stacy’s friend.”

“She’s Stacy and Flint’s friend.”

“As long as she’s just a friend.”

“Let me think about it and I’ll let you know tomorrow.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE (2021)-HBO Max

Jessica Chastain and Andrew Garfield turn in riveting performances as Tammy Faye Bakker and her crooked psychopathic televangelist husband Jim Bakker in this Oscar nominated biopic. The movie chronicles the life of Tammy Faye whose mother was a pianist for the local evangelical church. Tammy was never allowed in the church because her parents had divorced, and her mother had remarried. But this does not stop Tammy and as a determined young girl she charms her way into the congregation whether her mother likes it or not. As a student at North Central Bible College in Minneapolis, Minnesota, she meets fellow classmate Jim Baker. Jim quickly sees the extroverted feeler as a useful tool in his passion to use the church to make money, and they marry (ironically on April Fool’s Day), an act which gets both kicked out of college.

The newlyweds move to South Carolina where they start a ministry together and travel around the United States. They eventually end up in Virginia Beach, Virginia where they create a puppet ministry for Pat Robertson (Gabriel Olds) who is as equally creepy and psychopathic as Jim. The couple become founders of the 700 Club and join forces with the stalwart Jerry Fallwell (Vincent D’Onofrio) and begin to build a doomed overzealous religious empire.

Jessica Chastain delivers a phenomenal Oscar nominated performance as the effervescent but often naive tool of her manipulative closet homosexual husband. One of the best moments in the film is when she has a chance to leave her bizarro life and falls prey to Jim’s psychological exploitation. The film was also nominated for its fantastic Makeup and Hairstyling by Linda Dowds, Stephanie Ingram, and Justin Raleigh. Andrew Garfield should have also had a second Oscar nomination this year for Best Supporting actor for his wonderful performance as the charismatic monster who is out there swindling to this day. The film is based on the 2000 documentary of the same name.