Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to wish you a very Happy St. Patrick’s Day. My novelist is donned all in green and looks like a misplaced leprechaun. She even partook in a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast, a perennial St. Patrick’s Day meal. This evening we will be dining on corn beef and cabbage and my novelist’s favorite soda bread. They really should sell that stuff in the grocery stores year-round. Some places may just not around here. I have been taking it easy and have been enjoying the rain. My novelist and I have an agreement that I do not take walks in heavy rain. Yes, yes, I know other dogs do it, but I most certainly do not.

I am pleased to say that the Maltese acquired a couple of ticks. My novelist had to pull out her tick removal tweezers and I was overjoyed by his misery. We were then both given a dose of Frontline and the fun was taken away. Which brings me to Alanna the Piranha chapter 26. Насолодитися!

ALANNA THE PIRANHA

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Day the Twenty-Sixth

The Chuckle Duck looks very different in the dark. There are a lot of people in here for a Wednesday night. A few cocktail waitresses dressed in short black skirts and silky mallard green button up blouses serve drinks. The wide candle holders on tables are all lit giving the place some definite ambiance. Believe it or not there is a dress code here. All the men are in sport coats and the women wear dresses, skirts, or slacks. No jeans or t-shirts or flip-flops allowed. You’d think as a basement dwelling Incel I’d hate that but honestly it gives the place a touch of class.

I am a nervous wreck and am situated at a single table in one of the far back corners of the room. I am wearing my dad’s sports coat which just happens to have a green finish on it. It’s a size or two too big but I kind of like it anyway. I almost put on a tie but I’m glad I didn’t because I would be choking from the stress right now.

The lights flicker a couple of times, and some upbeat late night talk show type music starts to play. A spotlight hits the back of the room and I see The Zipper in a wild suit that could have rivaled anything in Don Cherry’s wardrobe: a bold silk green with huge yellow flowers splashed all over it. He wipes his brow with a green silk pocket square before bounding through the tables and up on stage like a badger on crack.

“How’re you doing? How’s everybody doing?”

Someone in the audience calls out, “Quack, quack!” and The Zipper says in a cheery voice, “Oh! Someone’s been here before, someone’s been here before!”

I think I want to leave right this minute.

“Okay, okay,” The Zipper continues, “This is how we always start the show, I say “quack, quack” and then you say “quack, quack”. Is everybody ready?!”

“Yes!” the audience yells resoundingly.

“Quack, quack!” The Zipper says.

“Quack, quack!” the audience responds.

“Quack, quack!” the audience responds.

“Quack, quack!”

“Quack, quack!

“Quack…

“Boo!” some guy in the audience yells. Boo!”

“Oh,” The Zipper says. “We’ve got a live one here tonight.”

“Boo!” the guy yells again. “Boo!”

The Zipper laughs a little too frenetically. “Yep, yep. We’ve got a live one.”

I lean over to get a good look at the guy, and I can see its Frenchy, The Zipper’s gangly right-hand man.

“The Zipper sucks!” Frenchy yells.

I am confused as to why Frenchy would boo his boss. Unless of course it’s part of the act.

The Zipper chuckles again and says into his microphone, “Blocko! Oh, Blocko! We’ve got a live one here!”

A tall, ripped body building woman in a green sequin bikini who looks like she could beat up half the Women’s WWE members stands boldly in the spotlight to my left. She growls and flexes her muscles before striding over to Frenchy. She grabs the would-be heckler, picks him up and holds him over her head.

Audience members laugh and scream, knock back their alcohol, knock over their alcohol and become thoroughly engaged in the show. Frenchy protests Blocko getting physical as she begins to turn him around in circles. This is harrowing as it is close quarters in the club and I’m terrified Blocko is going to clock someone in the head with Frenchy.

“Stop! Frenchy screams. “Stop!”

Blocko stops and with Frenchy still over her head demands, “Cry Chuckle!”

“No!” Frenchy protests. “I will not cry Chuckle!”

Blocko spins him around again causing more screams and laughs. None of this is helping me because I just want the show to start so Alanna and Fabulous can perform their act and get it over with.  

“Chuckle!” Frenchy cries out. “Chuckle!”

Blocko drops Frenchy on the floor and flexes her muscles. The audience cheers and claps as she picks him up and passes by me before exiting the back of the room. As the audience settles down, I see Frenchy sneak into the booth and take his suit off to reveal a smiley face t-shirt and cutoff jeans. He runs his fingers through his wild hair and plops down behind the control board.

cutoff jeans. He runs his fingers through his wild hair and plops down behind the control board.

“First up,” The Zipper announces, “we have a debut act. A local duo that’s going to knock your socks off. Give it up for Alanna and Fabulous!”

The audience claps as Alanna enters from stage left. She’s wearing my hooded cape and her face is covered. In her upstage hand she carries a wooden stool and in her downstage hand she carries Fabulous. She set the stool downstage right and placed Fabulous on it. Fabulous is wearing a miniature pair of sunglasses. I could hear patrons saying “Awe!” and “Isn’t that cute!”

Alanna adjusted Fabolous’s microphone which drew a little laughter from the crowd. Then Alanna glided over to stage left and struck a dramatic pose. I sunk low in my chair and prepared for the worst.

The audience waited for the music to come on, but nothing happened. There was an uncomfortable silence followed by a buzz of murmurs. I watched Alanna and Fabulous onstage who appeared calm and unruffled by the delay. I glanced up in the booth to my left and saw Frenchy studying two different disks as if he couldn’t figure out which one to put into the sound system. He shook his head, made a choice, and stuck one disk in. I felt a small sense of relief.

Suddenly, classical music started to play. I don’t know much about classical music, but the tune sounded like something I’d heard in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I looked back at the booth and Frenchy removed the disk and threw it against the wall. He snatched the second disk, shoved it into the machine as a confused audience mumbled and grumbled.

My heart went out to my two genetically altered friends onstage. Even though I thought they would be trembling they remained as cool as the periodic chart. Suddenly, the 2019 remastered version of “Legs” by ZZ Top kicked. Alanna started bending her knees bouncing to the beat. Fabulous bounced her head. The audience watched transfixed knowing something unusual was about to happen.  

Alanna does a rond de jambe kick, spins, and lunges. Fabulous breaks out into song with her gravelly voice. The audience starts clapping along with the beat. Alanna spins around again, throws back the hood, and exposes her piranha face. The claps cease. Gasps fill the air. Then laughs. Alanna continues to boogie as Fabulous continues to sing. The audience thinks Alanna as part piranha is part of the act and commences clapping to the beat. Alanna does a triple pirouette and Fabulous ends the song. The audience jumps to its feet giving them a standing ovation and I can’t help but feel a surge of pride.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: ENCANTO (2021)-Disney+

Encanto is a colorful imaginative tale from Disney pictures nominated for Best Animated Film. It is the story of a Columbian teenager named Mirabel who lives in a magical house. Everyone in her family has a magical power bestowed upon them by the house at a young age…except Mirabel. This leaves her always living life on the outside, and always marginalized by her relatives. As the family prepares for the house to bestow youngest member Antonio’s magical gift on him Mirabel starts to see signs the house may be in danger.

The film is gorgeous looking and full of fun and interesting characters. I do wish the third act and the ending were as engaging as the rest of the film but that said this is a great movie for both adults and kids alike.