Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here once again to introduce my sixteenth chapter in Alanna the Piranha. On a sad note, one of the great American film directors, Peter Bogdanovich has died at the age of 82. My novelist and I were fans of his and adore such films as Paper Moon, The Last Picture Show, and the much-underrated Targets which was unfortunately an accurate look into the future now come to fruition. We are saddened by his passing and Hollywood is a little less dazzling because of it.
On a happier note, a new character is being introduced in today’s installment. I am always excited when I introduce new characters into stories. They bring flavor to the tale. Also, it is now January and the time for New Year’s resolutions. My resolution this year is to examine my portfolio and amass more money. I have extravagant tastes, yet I am extremely tight with my money which is why the Maltese now lives on cat food. I have forgone the desire to wear crystal collars and have settled for the plainer non-encrusted styles. A sacrifice I know, but one must do what one must do. And with that thought, here is chapter sixteen of Alanna the Piranha. Ућивај!
Alanna the Piranha
Gigi the parti poodle
Day the Sixteenth
Today something happened. Just now. I was sitting here at my science table preparing more CRISPR Cas9 when I heard a voice. There it is again. I turn and look at my Newfoundland Dwarf. She’s staring back at me. She’s twitching her nose and looking at me. “Did you say something?” I ask her.
“I most certainly did.”
It’s a female voice. Did I hear it in my head because the bunny isn’t moving its mouth? It’s just sitting there, twitching its nose at me. I look the little thing in the eye. “What did you say?”
“I said, hello.”
Apparently the CRISPR worked better than expected because the bunny can talk to me telepathically. I am totally elated because I have not only put the mind of a human female into the body of a bunny, but I have also allowed it to talk in a language manner far above any mere mortal!
“Why are you staring at the bunny when you clearly should be talking to me?”
So, the bunny is not the one I am having the conversation with. I’m turning my head…and now I’m screaming! Standing before me with long gorgeous human legs is the Piranha. She is about four feet tall. Her entire upper half is fish, and her entire underside is human legs. She reminds me of a child size version of the Ivar’s Clams that used to run around in those commercials. There are hands where her fins should be which would explain why I saw them separating and thought she was defective.
“Well,” the piranha girl says to me. “I think we need to talk.”
She does not tell me this telepathically. She opens her mouth which contains weird looking human-like teeth and a tongue and speaks with perfect diction. “What about?”
“You need to give me a name.”
I see her reasoning. “A name. Yes, I suppose you do deserve a name. I need some time to think about it.”
“And a pair of shoes. I don’t feel comfortable walking around in this filthy basement without shoes.”
“What size?” I ask still trying to take in the whole revelation.
“How would I know that?”
“Right. I guess we need to measure your feet. Normally we’d go to a shoe store and have a salesperson help us. But under the circumstances I think it would be best if I found a way to order a foot measurer and buy your shoes online.”
“What am I supposed to do in the meantime?”
“Are you uncomfortable not having your fins and gills moist with water?”
“I haven’t had an issue so far. Do you think I should?”
“Most piranhas do.”
“But I am not most piranhas. I’m also a human girl.”
“You figured that out on your own?”
“Well, I assumed it. May I sit down?”
“Yes, of course. Let me find a chair.” I look around for something to sit on.
“What about there?” She points to my bed.
“No!” I exclaim as all sorts of terrifying thoughts race through my head. I see an old wooden chair in the corner. I rush over and grab it. “Here.”
The piranha looks at the chair with disgust. “Aren’t you going to wipe all that dust off?”
Apparently, she’s picky. “Sure.” I retrieve a t-shirt from my hamper and start cleaning the chair.
“That seems rather repulsive,” she complains.
“I don’t have anything else.”
“You need a better system.”
“Well, excuse me. I wasn’t expecting company.”
“Don’t you have any shoes in the house I could try on?”
I look at her feet. It’s possible they could be my mother’s size…or my sister’s. “Maybe.”
“Let’s go look.”
“No,” I say. “I will go look. You stay here.”
I head upstairs. I look out the kitchen window and see my mom working in the garden. I scurry into my parent’s bedroom and into their walk-in closet. I grab a pair of my mom’s sneakers and hurry down the hall into Stacy’s room. I rush into her walk-in closet, scour her shelf, and snatch a pair of white leather tennis shoes. I rush past the kitchen window to make sure my mom is still outside before I head back downstairs. The piranha girl is now sitting on my bed.
“You’re supposed to be in the chair.”
“I like this better.”
“I’d rather you sat on the chair.”
“Fine,” I say not liking the situation but not in the mood to argue. “Try these on.”
I hand her the shoes and she sets them on the bed beside her and sighs. “I do not think I can reach my feet.”
“Oh,” I say, suddenly realizing it might be difficult for a piranha girl to bend over. “Allow me.”
I get down on my knees. “Lift your foot,” I say pointing to her right one. She lifts her leg and I help her elevate it which reminds me of that opening scene from Lolita where the title character is having her toenails painted. I take a moment to admire how lovely her ankle is before I work my mom’s tennis shoe over her petite foot and tie the laces. “Stand up and see how you like them.”
She stands, looks down, and turns her foot left then right studying the white leather sneakers. “They are too big.”
I agree. They look a size too large. “Sit back down.”
The piranha sits and lifts her heel. I remove the shoe, set it aside and pick up one of Stacy’s sneakers. I put the sneaker on the piranha girl and tie the laces. She stands.
“These are comfortable,” she says. “And they fit.”
“Sit down and I’ll put the other one on you.” The piranha sits and I put the other shoe on her left foot. “Stand up again and try walking around.”
The piranha rises and walks about. “Wow! It feels like I’m walking on,” she points out the window, “clouds!”
“Good. You can wear those for now. They belong to my sister Stacy. I don’t think she’ll miss them for a few weeks until I can get you a pair of your own.”
You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!
STREAM OF THE WEEK: DON’T LOOK UP (2021)-Netflix
Adam McKay and David Sorata’s new dark comedy is not one to give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, but it will make you laugh out loud and cringe painfully. The film is an attempt to create their version of Dr. Strangelove with a wink and a nudge to the Covid19 virus and all the media around it. And even though it is nowhere near as good as the Kubrick classic it is still very much worth the watch.
PHD candidate Kate Dibiasky (Jennifer Lawrence) is working on her dissertation in Astronomy when while studying the night sky through the university’s telescope she notices a comet barreling towards earth. Excited by her find she alerts her professor Dr. Randall Mindy (Leonardo DiCaprio). But when Dr. Mindy does the calculations, he finds the comet is big. Very big in fact. Big enough to destroy the planet. With the help of Dr. Teddy Oglethorpe (Rob Morgan) from NASA, Dibiasky and Mindy get an audience with the President of the United States (Meryl Streep) and her obnoxious advisor and son (Jonah Hill) who find the gigantic comet hurdling towards earth to be an inconvenience to their schedule and plans.
But after Mindy and Dibiasky go on a national talk show hosted by the vain and shallow cohosts Jack Bremmer (Tyler Perry) and Brie Evenee (Cate Blanchet) they manage to get enough publicity to make the president change her mind. But billionaire would-be genius Peter Isherwell (Mark Rylance) has other plans.