Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to wish my novelist a very Happy Birthday this week.
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to…
Tucker, you hideous Maltese! Stop that racket immediately!
Happy Birthday dear novelist! Happy…
Wait! I’m the one who’s supposed to sing that! Go bake a cake or something.
I got her a pretty, pretty, present.
What? You did not!
I did so.
You did not!
Stop this nonsense and let’s just sing together. A one and a two and a…
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear novelist
Happy Birthday to you
Poodles are always off-key.
I was not off-key…oh, forget it! Here is chapter Twelve of Alanna the Piranha. Bon anniversaire!
Alanna the Piranha
Gigi the parti poodle
Day the Twelfth
Today I gave the bunny and the piranha their third injection of CRISPR Cas9. I got to thinking about the $5000 my aunt gave me. I haven’t seen that much cash get deposited in my bank account since before I started college. I had a job back then. I worked at Dairy Queen every summer from my freshman year until my senior year. I took flack for it too. When I wrote about it on completelyworthlessdude.com my would-be friends called me a wage slave. They thought my parents robbed me of my paychecks. That wasn’t true at all. In fact, my parents helped me set up an account where I earned some kicking interest.
Some of the popular kids at school came in on the weekends and bought Blizzards and cones and sundaes. They’d snicker and whisper stuff to each other about me, but I just smiled and took their money. So, when it came time for me to graduate, I’d compounded about fifteen grand. Not a shocking amount of money but let me ask you this: how many kids do you know who made that much money on their own for college. Some, yes. But not many.
That’s why my aunt was willing to let me borrow that much cash. She remembers the old Flint who didn’t care what people thought about him. But after you’ve gone to college and gotten on the dean’s list and graduated with honors and still no chick wants you, you start to question why you should bother to work so hard. Anyway, now I have an extra $5000 in my bank account I didn’t have before. I’ll research some investments, but I don’t think I’ll make much interest on it.
I should mention I noticed something different about the piranha today. After I gave her the shot, she swam to the back of the tank and has been hiding there all day. I’m concerned she might not make it. The bunny however remains unchanged. No modifications I’ve noticed anyway. But I’ve only been doing this experiment for three days so its still early.
I’ve been thinking about my encounter with Brooke at the library. I wonder if she was trying to butter me up, so I’ll help tutor her in some of her classes. It wouldn’t be the first time a chick has pulled that one with me. In college there was this girl who lived one floor down from mine and she was always coming around quasi-flirting with me. I knew all she wanted was a good grade in chemistry, but I didn’t turn down her attention either. Sometimes it feels better to get bad attention than none.
That said, mom insisted I go with her and dad to see Stacy’s dance team perform at the basketball game tonight. We take our seats at the end of the court in section twelve in the furthest back seats. This section has backs on the seats. The next section up is the bleachers. It’s not center court but it’s not bad.
Brooke is there and somehow, she spots us. Maybe Stacy told her where my parents were sitting. Anyway, she comes up to us and says to my mother, “Mrs. Fisk, I can’t thank you enough for the care package you sent me.”
“What?” my mother says confused.
“The care package Flint dropped off.”
My mother furrows her brow and I’m certain I’m going to have a brain hemorrhage. My dad who had been listening in says, “You’re welcome.”
My mother shoots him a quizzical look. Surely her husband wasn’t having an affair with her daughter’s college roommate…then she looks at me with that “I know what you pulled, kid” warning she sometimes gives me and says to Brooke, “Oh, yes. The package Flint dropped off that wasn’t for Stacy.”
“How did you know I liked See’s Chocolate?”
“I took a wild guess,” she replies looking back at me. “Why don’t you sit with us, Brooke? The seat beside Flint is empty tonight.”
I don’t know whether to thank my mother or not. Either way Brook plops down beside me. She has the nerve to smell fantastic tonight, like tangerines. What am I going to talk about? I can’t just say “thank you for letting me steal the hair out of your brush. I was able to extract your DNA from it and inject it into a bunny and a piranha”.
Brooke takes a sip off the phallic straw protruding from her iced drink and says, “Hey, Flint,” with disinterest.
“Brooke,” I reply.
“Do you always hang out with your cousin’s parents,” she asks skeptically, “or do you have real friends?”
What do I say to that? I choose to chuckle.
Brooke sniffs the air and grimaces. “You smell like fish.”
“I recently acquired an aquarium.”
“Really? What kind of fish do you have?”
“I just have one so far.”
“I also own a Newfoundland Dwarf.”
“Is that one of those garden gnome things?”
“No. It’s a breed of miniature rabbit.”
“Really?” she says suddenly interested. “That sounds adorable. You should bring the bunny by the dorm room sometime!”
I realize by her response I should walk around the park with the little furball. The bunny could be a chick magnet. Not to mention I could procure more of Brooke’s DNA if I were to stop by the dorm. “Okay,” I say.
“I always wanted a pet,” she laments. “But my parents wouldn’t let me have one. I really love Bichons. They’re cute and friendly and personable. But my parents didn’t want the hassle. They’d say, “What if we went on a trip and we had to leave it with a sitter? That’s expensive!” I’d tell them some people travel with their fur babies. “Do we look like the RV type to you?” they would respond.”
Brooke takes another sip off her seductive straw. “Maybe after you graduate college you should get one,” I say.
“I’m going to. I’m going to move home with them and make good use of the free rent until I can.”
“Well, if you need a roommate, I’ll go halves with you.” This I immediately realize is the stupidest thing I could have possibly said. Brooke pulls back a little and studies me like I’m a stalker on the FBI’s most wanted list. “I…I didn’t mean it like…that.”
“Mrs. Fisk,” she turns and tells my mother. “I really need to get back to my friends. But I just wanted to say thank you again for the care package.”
“Do you really have to go?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
Brooke gets up and leaves quickly almost slipping on her way down the steps.
“What did you say to her?” my dad asks.
“Nothing,” I grumble and turn my focus to the court where Stacy’s dance team has just taken the floor.
You can check out my books Chicane and the five installments in my Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!!!
STREAM OF THE WEEK: BLADES OF GLORY (2007)-HBO Max
In continuing with comedic movies to watch during the holidays, it doesn’t get funnier than this. This bizarre spoof on Olympic figure skating is laugh out loud funny. Jimmy MacElroy (Jon Heder) is an elegant men’s figure skater. Adorned in peacock feathers he delights the judges and audiences alike with his sanguine personality and exquisite skating moves. Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) is Jimmy’s rival, a rock and roll figure skater come porn star come sex addict who fought his way out of the underground skating sewers to set the placid skating association on fire with his uber masculine moves. After the two men tie for the Gold Medal all pandemonium breaks out and they find their careers in serious jeopardy fighting their way to make it back to the next championship tryouts. Rounding out this hilarious cast are Amy Poler and Will Arnett as the brother and sister skating phenoms the Van Waldenberg’s, Jenna Fisher as Katie their bedraggled sister, and Craig T. Nelson as the skating coach.