Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter twenty-five of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. The weather is getting warmer which means I must make my novelist adjust my walking schedule. I have not been in for my spring trim and my hair is getting longer. My novelist and I have been turning to original movie scores as our background music when we write. We will find a soundtrack online we like and play it when we work. One that recently caught our attention was Fire Walk With Me the film accompaniment to Twin Peaks. What is marvelous about this one is it is still in print. I am a Twin Peaks fan, and my novelist and I have been watching the original 1990’s series here and there. She has seen it all the way through, but I have not. I am most intrigued. There are times when I believe I have been visited by a giant. Not a giant person, mind you, but a giant brown bunny. The bunny told me the squirrels are not what they seem. This, of course, comes as no surprise. One can never fully trust what a squirrel is. Then again, maybe it’s all that darned fine coffee talking. And with that thought, here is chapter twenty-five of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. Enjoy!

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Twenty-Five

Fia woke up and looked at the West German-made clock nestled in the French-made crystal case sitting on the bedside table: 9:15 AM. Surprised Curtis hadn’t come to unlock the door, she rose and got dressed. She knew it was Saturday, but she had expected Curtis to unlock the door by now.

As she pulled her t-shirt over her head, she heard the downstairs door open followed by Curtis plodding up the stairs. He knocked and said, “Fia?”

“Yes?” she replied.

“I’m unlocking the door,” he said slipping the key into the lock. “I didn’t mean to get you out of there so late.”

“Did you sleep in or something?”

“No, I fell asleep in the office. It was nearly sunrise when I left to deliver the ransom note to your dad.”

“So, he has the note now?”

Curtis opened the door. “I ran into a glitch.”

“A glitch?”

“There was a police car parked near the mailboxes.”

This news made Fia hopeful. “Did the officer see you?”

“I parked down the street. But when I got back inside my car, he came up to the driver’s side window.”

Good, she thought. “Did he say anything to you?”

“He just thought I was a guy coming home late from a date…are you hungry?”

“I could use some tea.”

“I’m sure we have some of that. Aunt Odette is a bit of a tea connoisseur.”

“Really?”

“Yes. She taught me white tea has more caffeine than black tea. So does matcha. Green tea has the least, then oolong, black, matcha and white.”

“I would have thought white tea and green tea had similar caffeine levels.”

“I know, right? She also has an espresso machine if you want a latte or something.”

“Tea would be great.”

“Would you like breakfast? I thought I’d make scones.”

“You’d make scones?”

“I have a mix in the cupboard.”

“I’d love scones.”

“Good.” Curtis hesitated, wondering whether to let her out of the room or come back and get her for breakfast. “I’ll go turn on the oven,” he said as he went to close the door. “I’ll come back and get you when…”

“I need to clean up and use the bathroom, Curtis.”

“Oh, right, yeah,” he said. “Uh…let’s go down the hall.”

Fia stepped out of the room and Curtis followed her down the hall to the guest bathroom. She headed in and he shut the door and waited outside. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking. That drive had been harrowing. He still wasn’t sure if he was paranoid or if those prowlers had really been following him. But somehow, he had to get that second ransom note to Mr. Dupree.

Fia turned on the water and washed her face. She grabbed a towel to dry off before looking over at the window. She left the water running and carefully opened it. It was a straight drop down. Nothing to climb out on. However, it occurred to her she could send an SOS signal out of it if she had a flashlight. Maybe someone would notice it.

“You okay in there?” Curtis called.

Fia whipped around and said, “I just need to finish brushing my teeth.”

“Why do women take so long in the bathroom?”

“Details. Men cut corners.”

“Cut corners?”

“Men don’t exfoliate. They don’t use moisturizers. These things are important.”

Curtis shook his head. “There are exfoliators and moisturizers on the market for men. I have some on my counter at home. But I’m efficient when I use them.”

Fia stepped away from the window and looked in the mirror. I’ll go back to my room and wait for Curtis to make breakfast, she thought. Then I’ll figure out how to get my hands on a flashlight.

Curtis pulled the scones out of the oven and set them on top of the stove. He opened the cupboard and took down the jar of the lemon infused blueberry jam he’d purchased before kidnapping Fia. He picked up the eggplant colored Mosser Glass butterdish and carried it and the jam to the table. The tea kettle whistled, and he hurried back and moved it from the hot burner to the center burner in the back row. He took a couple of table knives and a couple of grapefruit spoons out of the utensil drawer and folded them in cloth napkins. Then he retrieved two small clear glass thistle pattern plates out of the cupboard, grabbed the settings and set two places at the table.

“I hope you like kiwi,” Curtis said as Fia sat at the table watching him move about.

“Kiwi is good,” Fia said.

Curtus reached into the cupboard and retrieved two white porcelain egg cups. He sliced the top off each of the kiwis and set them upright in the cups. Then he set the tops back on the kiwis.

“What are you doing?”

“I like kiwis this way.”

“No one eats kiwis that way.”          

“That does not mean it cannot be done this way.” He brought the kiwis over and put one beside her plate and the other beside his and sat down. “Now, you lift the top off and set it aside,” he said placing the top of his kiwi on his plate. “Then you take the grapefruit spoon and scoop out the kiwi like this.” He took the serrated spoon and scooped out some kiwi from the skin and ate it. “See, it works.”

“Weird. Fine. I’ll do it.” Fia stuck her grapefruit spoon into the kiwi, circled it, and ate the fruit. “I suppose that’s logical.”

“A kiwi is generally the size and shape of an egg. And although I like the skin, a lot of people don’t. I figure you could steady the kiwi with the egg cup, hold your hand at the base, and eat the kiwi like a grapefruit without the resistance.”

“Why am I here, Curtis?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean why did you kidnap me?”

“Everyone at the office likes to play tricks on me. This time they went too far.”

“But I had nothing to do with it.”

“Ah but see your dad did. He has a habit of ignoring the other accountants’ shenanigans.”

“And so, you’re punishing me for it?”

“They killed Haven.”

“They killed Haven?”

“They broke into my house, tried to kidnap her, and she ran into the street and got hit by a delivery truck.”

“How do you know all that?”

“My landlord set surveillance up on all his properties.”

“Why didn’t you go to the police?”

“I did. But what are they going to do?”

“For starters, arrest them for breaking and entering.”

“My coworkers need to be punished for more than breaking and entering.”

“I don’t get it, Curtis.”

“Oh, you will. Please pass the jam.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: FARGO (1996)-HBO MAX

Every so often I like to recommend a movie everyone should see but surprisingly some may not have. There are those out there who consider superhero films and such to be cinema. Gigi and I believe the definition of cinema is “literature in the visual form”. While superhero films, with some exceptions like Unbreakable, are made for mass appeal with a simple story and an elementary premise, cinema aims for a more discerning audience who enjoys more complex themes, symbolism, and concepts that are timeless and universal. Sometimes there have been graphic novels which fall under the category of cinema. For example, A History of Violence directed by the brilliant Canadian director David Cronenberg. But blockbusters rarely fall under the definition of cinema.

Also, great directors often have a common theme that runs through all their films. For instance, Quinten Tarrentino’s movies tend to be about honor. Hitchcock often deal with voyeurism especially in Vertigo, Rear Window, and Psycho. And the Cohen Brothers love to explore the theme of greed. Even in Raising Arizona where greed isn’t about money, it’s about babies. But of all the Cohen films, greed has never been presented as uniquely as it has in Fargo.

The story starts out with a plan devised by Jerry Lundegaard (William H. Macy in an Oscar nominated performance for which he should have won) to have two low-end criminals, Carl Showalter (Steve Buscemi who should have also received an Oscar nod) and his cold as ice partner Gaear Grimsrud (Peter Stormare in a wonderfully creepy performance) kidnap his wife Jean Lundergaard (Kristin Rudrüd). The idea is Jean’s wealthy blowhard father Wade Gustafson (Harve Presnell) who owns the car dealership where Jerry is executive sales manager will pay a hansom ransom of one million dollars for his daughter. Jerry would then take the money and purchase a lucrative piece of real estate after giving his henchmen a cut. But nothing goes as planned and things start spinning out of control after the two ne’re-do-well criminals get pulled over by a patrolman and commit and even more horrific crime. And that’s when very pregnant Brainerd police chief Marge Gunderson (Francis McDormand in a spectacular Oscar winning performance) finds herself on the case.

As a side note, something I noticed in the film on this viewing were the fantastic knife skills Kristin Rudrüd who plays Jean has. Most actors are terrible in kitchen scenes and it’s a wonder they don’t slice their fingers when they are cutting vegetables or fruit or whatever. But hers are fantastic.