Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter eighteen of my story Catzilla. My novelist and I have been wanting to recommend a film for our stream of the week that was released in 2003. My novelist had watched it some years ago and was most impressed. She also watched the remake, but the original is the one to see. She was perplexed she could not locate it on any of the streaming channels this past year. But it turns out the film has been fully remastered and restored and has gotten a theatrical re-release as of August 16^th. The film is called Oldboy and if you have never seen it before you really, really should. This is a well-told action mystery tale and the less you know about it before you go in the better. I will say it contains violence and explicit adult themes so it’s not for kids. But if you want a great time at the movie theatres and this is playing near you, we strongly recommend it. Even Tucker the Maltese wants to go. In fact, he claims to have a junior blackbelt in Taekwondo, but I have my doubts. He does keep trying to spar with me, however, and the whole situation has become quite disturbing. Anyway, here is chapter eighteen of Catzilla. Enjoy!  

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Eighteen

“Mr. Homola,” my mom said. “May I address the crowd?”

Principal Doofus sighed. “Sure.”

My mom walked up the stage stairs and stepped up to the microphone. “From what I can ascertain,” she said, “my daughter and her friend were able to lure the cat and sedate it. It was smaller at the time, and they managed to place a bug on it so they could follow it. I am not condoning these actions, but they worked just the same. To get the cat into a container we are going to have to sedate it yet again. Originally my daughter and her friend did this by luring it with food. Therefore, we will need to feed the kitty. Let’s take the refreshments we have on the table there and put together a meal for the creature.”

“Psst, Mrs. Gagnon,” Lyle said just off stage. “What if we just moved the entire table outside?”

My mom glanced at the refreshments table. “What items should I put the drugs into do you think?”

Lyle studied the goodies. “Great question. I think the cat would be fond of the cupcakes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“I suppose that’s as good an option as any.” Then she turned back to the microphone and said, “I’m going to put the sedatives into the cupcakes. Nobody eats anything off that table from now on.” Everyone watched as my mother climbed down from the stage and headed over to the table.

“Wait!” Mr. Relish, the science teacher said. “We need to know where we’re going to store the cat after we drug it.”

“If I’m not mistaken,” my mom said, “there’s a pole building that belongs to the car mechanic’s shop that’s just on the outskirts of town.”

“How are we going to transport it there? Because otherwise your dragging tonnage for the length of a mile.”

“The school owns a large truck with a long flatbed they use every year to build a float on for homecoming. We’ll drive the truck out, park it, put the table of food on top of the bed and lure the cat. The cat will climb on the bed, eat the food, and pass out.”

“There’s all sorts of things that could go wrong with that plan.”

“Maybe. But do you have a better idea?”

Mr. Relish stared her down for a moment and said, “Not presently. But even if you could lure the cat up there and sedate it, who’s going to drive the truck?”

“I am. I paid most of my way through college driving trucks for a company in the summers.”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

“Well,” Principal Doofus said. “After you drug the cupcakes what’s your next move, Mrs. Gagnon?”

“We need to contact the owner of the mechanic’s shop so we can have the doors open to drive the cat in there.”

“Who owns the mechanic’s shop?”

“Quincy’s dad!” one of the kids shouted.

Of course, I thought.

“But Quincy’s missing,” Principal Doofus said.

“Yes.”

“Well, there goes your plan, Mrs. Gagnon.”

My mom sighed. “Can someone try and text Quincy?”

Just then there was a big thud against the main doors followed by an ear-splitting caterwauling. Students screamed.

“Calm down,” my mother said into the microphone. “Everyone, calm down.”

The guitarist struck another earsplitting chord. This seemed to get things under control.

“Alright,” my mom said. “We need to figure out who’s going to be the team to drug the cat and who’s going to stay in the gym. But first, I’m going to try and contact Quincy’s father’s shop and explain what’s going on and what we plan to do.” Then she stepped away from the microphone and walked down the stairs to us.

“I have the number to the mechanic,” Lyle said. “My dad had to take his car there last week to get a dent fixed and they called my number by mistake.”  

I furrowed my brow and asked, “Why did you say something a couple of minutes ago?”

“I didn’t think about it.”

“They’re probably closed by now.”

“Someone could be working late,” he said locating the number in his phone and dialing it. “I’ll put them on speakerphone, Mrs. Gagnon so you can do the talking.”

“That would be fantastic, Lyle,” my mom replied.

We listened to the phone ring a couple of times before a recorded voice said, “You’ve reached Steeling Cars Auto Maintenance. If you are calling about an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Please listen to the following options. To make an appointment, press one. If you are calling to find out the status of your repair press two. If you are calling about a replacement part press three. If you are a supplier press four. If you need to speak to our legal department press five. For all other inquiries press six.”

“What should I press?” Lyle asked.

“Six,” my mom said.

Lyle pushed six and we waited. The phone rang several times before someone finally picked up. A rough, gravelly voice that sounded like it was run over with sandpaper said, “Yeah, what is it?”

“Hello,” my mom said. “This is an emergency.”

“Hang up and dial 911 like the message told you.”

“No, you don’t understand. We are in urgent need of your services. We want to use your pole building.”

“Pole building? What for?”

“We need a place to store a toolshed sized cat.”

“Is this Frank? Are you messing with me again? Because if you are…”

“This isn’t Frank. This is Mrs. Gagnon. I’m Briar’s mother. She goes to school with the owner’s son Quincy.”

“Yeah, so?”

“I don’t know if you’re aware of this but there genuinely is a toolshed sized cat running amuck on our streets and we need a sturdy place to imprison it after we sedate it.”

“You’re hilarious. I’ll see you tomorrow, Frank.”

“Don’t hang up! Please! This cat is dangerous, and your pole house is the best place to put it.”

“Yeah, well I can think of a few places to put it off the top of my head, Frank.”

“Please help us.”

“Uh…no.”

“We’ll give you two thousand dollars in cash. That’s what the school made off the tickets they sold for the dance tonight.”

There was a long silent pause on the other end of the line. “I’m here till nine. Once it’s nine, it’s Miller time.”

I looked at the wall clock in the gym. It was five past eight.

“Thank you, Mr.…”

“McQuoid. Aero McQuoid.”

“Thank you, Mr. McQuoid.”

“Just watch out for Gavin and Fritz.”

“Who are Gavin and Fritz?”

“Oh, you’ll see.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: GAME NIGHT (2018)-HULU

One of the great joys of movies is finding a sleeper. And this wacky silly exciting film is well worth watching for its clever script and terrific actors. Max (Justin Bateman) is obsessed with winning games. He met the girl of his dreams Annie (Rachel McAdams) at a trivia night in a bar where they both got the right answer at the same time. After getting married they host a game night every week for their friends and recently have marginalized their next-door neighbor, a peculiar cop named Gary (Jesse Plemons) who used to attend their soirees until his wife divorced him. Because of their intense competitiveness, Max and Annie are having difficulty conceiving. They suspect this might be magnified by Max’s older brother Brooks (Kyle Chandler) who has always beaten Max at every game or challenge the two have had together. On their usual game night, Brooks shows up in town and at the end of the evening invites them to his house for the following week for what he promises to be a game night to remember.

Max and Annie show up at Brooks’s opulent rented house along with the usual game night guests: Kevin (Lamorne Morris), Michelle (Kylie Bunbury) and Ryan (Billy Magnussen). Ryan, who is always bringing a different date with him, has invited Sarah (Sharon Horgan) to join him. The six competitors settle in to play the murder mystery Brooks is hosting where the prize is a red Corvette Stingray, the car of Max’s dreams. Everything starts out as planned until the plan goes completely awry. Look for a couple of surprise celebrity guests along the way.

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce the seventeenth chapter of my story Catzilla. The rush of back-to-school is here, and my novelist and I take this time of the year to root around our home to see if we have any new and unused school supplies to donate for kids in our school district. Sometimes we have more, sometimes less. This year we located some pencils, pens, and a few pencil/pen pouches and boxes to donate. It is not always easy finding the information as to where to drop off the supplies, however. Sometimes we wish the school districts were better at communication… in every way imaginable. But we managed to figure it out and transported the items to their desired location. The Maltese even helped, sniffing out a few folders for the kids. Last year we were able to donate a Hershel backpack which was new and still in its packaging that we had purchased for something like seventy-five percent off. My novelist loves being frugal as well as generous. It is unfortunate, however, that Canis lupis familiaris like me are not allowed to attend school with our human friends. I would have made an excellent Stanford pupil. I would have majored in writing and economics. I think that would have been a whole lot of fun. But alas, I was only allowed to attend a state college and lived in a dog only dormitory. We had an ongoing rivalry with the neighboring all cat dormitory who were always staging raids. Many of us would end up feeling naked the next day when to our horror we found our collars had gone amiss. But that is topic for another time. Here now is chapter seventeen of Catzilla. Enjoy!

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Seventeen

My mother reluctantly walked towards the stage. “Principal Homola,” she said, which was Principal Doofus’s real name. “We need to formulate a plan.”

“Well, that’s just great,” Principal Homola said. “You think you can come up with a plan to fight this…whatever that thing is that’s out there and be more successful than the police just proved to be.”

“Yes. It may be a harry situation. But I think what we must do is fight the cat instead of hiding from it.”

“I concur,” Lyle said. “If we hide from the cat, it will still be lurking out there. And it will only get bigger. Mrs. Gagnon’s right. We need to defeat it.”

“Okay, Ms. Gagnon,” Professor Doofus said. “How do you suggest we defeat it?”

“The first thing I’d want to know is does it have any weaknesses? Any cracks? Any fissures we could take advantage of?”

“Cats suffer if they’ve been declawed,” Lyle said.

“That’s an excellent point, Lyle. They are devastated if they are declawed. But how would we declaw this cat?”

“What if there was an antidote? Like a way to reverse the effects and shrink it back down to normal kitten size?”

“Do you know of an antidote?”

“No, but what if there is one?”

“Well, Lyle it would be our best chance. But it may be the most difficult resolution. If it took a long time to get this big, I would guess it would take just as long to shrink.”

“You hear that, Concord?” Principal Doofus said. “It takes time to shrink.”

“What if,” I said, “all we had to do was reverse positions?”

“Reverse positions?” Mr. Relish, my science teacher said.

“The kitten is out there and we’re in here. It wouldn’t solve the problem entirely but what if the first step to getting out of this situation was to get outside and trap the kitten inside?”

“How?”

“If we could lure it to an enclosed place then we could find out if it’s possible to return it to its normal kitten size. Then we could get everyone safely home.”

“You would need a sturdy container to put it in. Where are you proposing we put it?”

Mr. Relish had a point, and I didn’t have a good answer. Where would we put the kitten?

“How large is the cat?” my mom asked. “Because judging by my encounter with it I would say it was at least the size of a toolshed.”

“That would be correct,” Lyle said. “By my calculations and judging on what I heard from Dr. Grosser, that would be its approximate size at present.”

“Who is Dr. Grosser?” Principal Homola asked.

“She’s the scientist who works over at the Edevane factory.”

“Doing what?”

“Well, she made this cat we’re dealing with.”

“Don’t get smart with me, Concord. I want to know what you know.”

“That is what I know. This Dr. Grosser scientist is running experiments for some reason, and she put this cat out there to roam around our neighborhoods so we would feed it.”

“Why?”

“Ask her.”

“I’ll deal with you later. What I want to know right now is where is there a place we could securely fit a toolshed sized cat?”

My mother and I pondered this. I couldn’t immediately think of a place that would sufficiently hold the cat. I looked over at Lyle who appeared to be mulling it over as well.

“How were you able to know this cat was an experiment at the Edevane factory?” my mom asked.

“Well…we bugged it.”

“You bugged it. How on earth were you able to plant a bug on a cat that size?”

“It wasn’t as big then.”

“And?”

This was the part I didn’t want to tell her. “We…drugged it.”

“With what?”

“A sedative.”

“A sedative? And where did you get a sedative?”

“Quincy.”

“Quincy just happened to have a sedative?”

“We think he got it from his older brother.”

“Fabulous,” my mother said sarcastically. “So, what did you and I’m presuming Lyle do after you drugged and bugged the cat?”

“Lyle put the bug he made on its collar.”

“Lyle is quite industrious, isn’t he? So, to get this cat that is the size of a toolshed…”

“And growing.”

“And growing, we’re going to have to drug it again. How did you drug it the first time? Lure it with food?”

“More or less.”

“So, we’re going to need sedatives strong enough to affect a cat that large.” My mom looked away and mulled this over. Then she sighed and said, “I don’t know if it’s strong enough, but I might still have some of your father’s prescription pills in my handbag. I used to have to carry them around for him. I’ll go check my handbag. You stay here.”

“Okay.”

My mom marches off in the direction of the chaperone’s room and I look over at Lyle again. This time Lyle looks back. After a moment, he walks over to me. “Hello, Briar,” he says.

“Lyle.”

“I knew things wouldn’t go well tonight so I showed.”

I nodded. “Yeah, things are out of hand.”

“You…you look really styling in that dress.”

“Thank you.” I looked at his dark blue houndstooth jacket, white oxford shirt, and red bowtie. “You look good too.”

“Thank you. Do you have a good idea of a place to put a toolshed sized cat.”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“My mom found out we used sedatives on the kitten.”

“Is she mad?”

“Hard to tell. She’s gone to check her handbag to see if she still has some of my dad’s old sedatives.”

“If she has enough of them that should do the trick. But we’re going to need a way to transport the cat to wherever it is we plan to stash it.”

“I didn’t even think about that.”

“I don’t know if we should give it the sedatives first or lure it to it’s location and then sedate it.”

Just then, my mom returned. “Lyle,” she said. “I’m glad you decided to come to the dance.”

“Thank you.”

“Alright, here’s what I’ve got,” she said opening a small metal pill box.

“Hmm,” Lyle said. “Is that about five pills?”

“Yes.”

“Well…I guess it’s better than nothing.”

“Good enough for me. Now let’s go catch this cat.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: UNCLE BUCK (1989)-Netflix

When John Hughes wrote and directed films in the 1980’s and 1990’s he was successful but not necessarily critically acclaimed. You can watch the review from Siskel and Ebert here (I am a big Siskel and Ebert fan). But there is something timeless about them. Whether his films are silly, poignant, serious, or otherwise most of them stand the test of time. And with the banal deluge of superhero movies peppered with characters which, let’s face it, no one can relate to unless you can shoot laser beams out your orifices, it is a genre of film which is sadly missing today. Over time, there have been a lot of movies designed for the generation they were created for and struck a note with teenagers such as Rebel Without a Cause, American Graffiti, To Sir with Love, The Last Picture Show, Dazed and Confused, Clueless, Napoleon Dynamite, 10 Things I Hate About You, Edge of Seventeen, and Rushmore to name a few. And then John Hughes’s films: The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Buller’s Day Off amongst his best. We still have some teenage films being made, but they seem to be missing something timeless or they tend to be more focused on a ham-fisted message than the actual story.

When I rewatched Uncle Buck on Netflix recently, I was delighted to find it had a Most Liked stamped on it. It’s an accessible film. A film about real human beings. A film about a situation that could happen as opposed to waking up one day after being bitten by a moth and finding out you now are able to eat excessive amounts of wool. I would rather see a story about teenagers being teenagers. Movies like Lady Bird, Eighth Grade and Book Smart were hits with the critics in recent years, but let’s face it. Do you want to watch them repeatedly? Are you going to rush to stream them every Thanksgiving break? I’m not. Surely, we can do better than this.

That said, Uncle Buck was not a critical hit. But when folks are being honest it’s a Most Liked. It’s a simple story. A smart suburban teenager named Tia Russel (Jean Louisa Kelly in her first movie) is briming with angst. She is sick of being her parent’s babysitter for her latchkey younger siblings Maizy (Gaby Hoffman) and Miles (Macaulay Culkin). Then comes the late-night phone call that their grandmother has fallen seriously ill. The kids’ mom and dad (Elane Bromka and Garrett M. Brown) must leave for a while. With no one else to call, they contact dad’s brother Uncle Buck (the wonderful John Candy) to take over the role as guardian. Uncle Buck is not suited to be a parent in any capacity. He’s an aged bachelor who would rather bet on horses than hold a real job. He’s broke, he’s a slob, he smokes cigars, he owns the worst car in the world, and he has no experience whatsoever with kids. But that might just be exactly who the Russel’s need.

Uncle Buck is not a profoundly deep film. But it is a charming one just the same. And its teenage themes still hold merit today. Tia doesn’t pick meet her creepy boyfriend Bug (Jay Underwood) on an internet dating site, but he lives up to his name just the same. Families still have black sheep who can surprise them at times. And the struggles between parents and their nearly adult children still exist. If you have never seen it, this is a great summer film to enjoy and perhaps watch again in the years to come. Look for Laurie Metcalf as the wacky next-door neighbor and Amy Madigan as Uncle Buck’s long suffering-girlfriend.  

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter sixteen of my story Catzilla. This week my novelist and I went to the theatre and took in the film Oppenheimer because we like it when our fellow NTs make movies about NTs (Christopher Nolan is an INTJ and Oppenheimer is an INTJ). The next day my novelist and I perused reviews of the film which we mostly agreed with as being a great movie. However, there was one major disagreement we had with the movie we haven’t yet found amongst the critics and that was how small a part Richard Feynman plays in the story. Yes, he’s in it but not as much as my novelist thinks he should be. Oppenheimer is a heavy film with little to no humor and we think Feynman, who was not only a genius, but a bit of a prankster may have added some much-needed levity to the story. Also, we think perhaps one could look at the scientists Einstein, Oppenheimer, and Feynman as a trinity at that point in history: the professor emeritus, the professor in his prime, and the young professor apprentice. We think more focus on this may have made for a stronger story. We appreciate this is a heady and dense film and would easily recommend it, but many great dramas have flourished with a bit of levity, and we think some gifted young actor could have benefited from such a role as well as adding panache to the film. Anyway, that’s our two cents. And now here is chapter sixteen of my story Catzilla.    

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Sixteen

I hurried over to my mom and tapped her on the shoulder. She whipped around and I showed her Lyle’s text.

“Ask him where he is,” she told me.

I texted Lyle:

            Where RU?

I waited a couple of minutes, but he didn’t reply. “He hasn’t texted back.”

“Be patient.”

Suddenly, we heard a thud. Not a small thud like an object falling off a counter or a kid landing on his feet. This was a big thud, a huge thud, like a large tree falling over. The sound came from the gym entrance. Then I heard that horrible raspy noise the kitten had made like it had smoked cigarettes for years. But it was louder and raspier than before.

My mom ran over to the gym teacher Mr. Schermer who was guarding the entrance and motioned for him to shut the doors. Mr. Schermer kicked away the large orange wedge holding the heavy doors open. But as the doors began to close a large fluffy red paw took a swipe at him and ripped his shirt.

“Holy cats!” he exclaimed. “What was that?!”

This time I didn’t text Lyle, I called him. The phone rang several times and went to voicemail. I hung up and dialed again. Still no answer. I looked up and my mother shoved her cattle prod at the kitten. The kitten swatted its paw and caught my mom by the hair.

“Mom!” I screamed and ran over to the door. I grabbed the cattle prod which had clattered to the floor and zapped the kitten with it again. And then again.

The cat caterwauled and hung onto my mom’s hair. I zapped the thing again and this time it was enough for my mother to untangle herself from its claw. Mom ran to Mr. Schermer and the two of them forced the door shut. Mr. Schermer fumbled for his keys and locked the doors.

Suddenly, I realized pandemonium had broken out. Kids were screaming and crying, running around in circles, and knocking each other over. I stormed the stage, grabbing the microphone away from the singer who, like the rest of the band, was frozen in fear.

“Stop!” I yelled. “You’re going to hurt each other!” But the kids just kept running around and banging into one another.

“What was that…thing?” the lead singer asked me.

“A cat.”

“Like an oversized cougar or something?”

The lead guitarist stepped up to the microphone and played the loudest, most obnoxious sound I’ve ever heard come out of a musical instrument. That got the kids’ attention. All eyes turned to the stage.

“We need to make sure all the doors in here are shut and locked,” I said into the microphone.

“I’ll get the other doors,” Mr. Schermer said and headed to the other side of the gym.

“What was that thing?” Principal Doofus demanded.

“A kitten,” I said.

“A…kitten? That thing is bigger than any kitten I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s no ordinary kitten. It’s a science project at the Edevane plant.”

“What kind of science project?”

“The only person here who might know is Ellery Edevane.”

Everyone started looking around the room for Ellery. But no one could find him.

“He was just standing in the corner with Quincy a moment ago.”

The kids working lights and sound turned the spotlight on the corner. But both Ellery and Quincy were gone.

“You’re trying to tell us that monster out there was a kitten?” Mr. Relish, my science teacher asked. “There’s no way a house cat could get that big.”

“But a blowfish can expand up to four times its normal size. Why couldn’t a kitten, an unusual kitten, do the same?”

“A kitten doesn’t have the elastic type of stomach a blowfish has.”

Principal Doofus marched up on stage and grabbed the microphone from me. “I’m the principal here and I’m running the show. I want all you students to make four lines. I want the seniors on my far left,” he said pointing his finger. “Then I want the juniors to line up next to them, then the sophomores and then the freshmen.”

The students grumbled and began lining up.

“What do you want us to do?” the band’s drummer asked.

“Stay put. Don’t leave the stage until I say so.” Then he turned to the students and said, “Alright, kids, let’s move it!”

The students finished filing into the four lines.

“Now, the first order of business is to remain calm. I doubt this thing outside is a giant kitten. It’s likely an oversized bear or an animal that escaped from a zoo, or possibly a circus animal that abandoned its trainer.

“It looked like a big kitten paw to me,” Mr. Schermer said.

“What we do know is something is out there and it’s dangerous.”

“You don’t know the half of it!”

Everyone turned their attention to the back of the gym. Standing there was Lyle. Somehow, he’d managed to slip inside the back door.

“What are you talking about, Concord?”

“That kitten has been roaming around the neighborhoods near the school. The more people fed it the larger it got.”

“What?”

“I’m saying we built a monster…well, the Edevanes’ built a monster, but we were the real guinea pigs here.”

“Because we fed a stray kitten?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Everyone will soon.”

Suddenly, there was another loud thump. Mr. Schermer ran over to the main entrance. “Holy cats! The thing is slamming its paws against the door!”

“It’s time for action,” Principal Doofus said. “I want us to build a fortress. If we are going to be safe from this thing, we need a blockade. Seniors, I want you to get all the gymnastic mats and put them up against the doors. Let’s move!”

The seniors headed over to the closets where the mats had been stored away for the dance. They hauled them out with three people to a mat: one at the front, one in the middle and one at the end. They built a wall of mats up against the front door and the rear door. As they did, I quietly left the stage and headed over to my mom.

“How are we going to get out of here?” I asked her.

“We’ll need to come up with an evacuation plan. But more importantly we’ll need to know how to stop that cat.”

“Fantastic, kids,” Principal Doofus said. “Now, I’m going to call the police and have them help us get out of here.”

Five minutes later we heard sirens approaching. The only windows in the gym were the ones on the doors.

“Mr. Schermer,” the principal asked. “Can you look outside and give us an update?”

“The police have their guns raised,” Mr. Schermer said. “They are pointing them at the cat.”

We all heard a single patrol rifle shot fire.

“They…holy cats! The kitten just slapped the guns right out of their hands!”

“The kitten is slapping them around like a toy! It’s tossing them in the air! The cat is juggling the police officers! They’re landing on the ground…badly! One of them just got up. He’s running for his vehicle. He’s leaving! He’s driving off!”

“I think you’d better come up with an escape plan, mom,” I said.

“So, it seems,” my mom replied.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE VERDICT (1982)-HBO MAX

This week’s pick is a rare film with a superb cast of actors, a legendary playwright & screenwriter (David Mammet), and a highly skilled director (Sidney Lumet). Based on the novel by Barry Reed it is the story of Frank Galvin (Paul Newman in a fantastic Oscar nominated performance) a gifted lawyer who, after being screwed over in his younger days by his former law firm has become an alcoholic and a failure in his trade having had only four court cases in the last three year all of which he lost. One day, his only friend and retired ex-partner Mickey Morrissey (Jack Warden) brings him a case which he forgets about for months until he is due to present it. The case involves a young pregnant woman named Deborah Ann Kaye who, after being admitted to St. Catherine Labouré Hospital after what should have been a routine delivery loses her baby and ends up in a permanent coma. Frank goes to see Kaye in the care unit she will now spend the rest of her life in. After taking pictures of her, Frank sees a parallel to the way he was treated by his former firm and the way she is being treated by a prestigious hospital and for once in his ambulance chasing life, he connects to the client he is defending. He turns down the $210,000 the hospital and Catholic church offers and instead prepares to go to court against a powerful New York law firm headed by Ed Concannon (James Mason). Charlotte Rampling also delivers a wonderful performance as Frank’s love interest Laura Fischer. And David Mammet’s then wife Lindsay Crouse plays Kaitlin Costello Price.

Good morning. It is I Gigi the parti poodle sending greetings to you from the beach. As you can see from the photograph below, I am lounging on a lovely cream-colored couch in a quaint little cottage by the sea. After working on the garage sale my novelist treated me…and unfortunately Tucker the Maltese to a getaway by the ocean to relax and listen to the melodious sounds of the seagulls flying in the sky. While here we encountered some unusual bugs. Upon downloading a bug identifying application we found it was the Strawberry Root Weevil, a harmless little pest which our temporary abode’s host helped us out with posthaste.

Our cottage is quite unique in that it contains an extensive and eclectic library. I have been partaking of a book of Aesop’s Fables. I read it out loud to teach the Maltese how to behave in a proper manner. Although, he is struggling with the concepts. After that I intend to conquer Asimov’s Guide to Shakespeare by Issac Asimov for some light summer reading. And with that thought, here is chapter fifteen of Catzilla. Enjoy and may the clams be with you.  

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Fifteen

I stood in front of the standing mirror in my room examining my mint green dress with the vertical sequins and matching mint green shoes with the straps and the silver buckles. I studied my reflection and decided I looked stylish. Usually, I don’t wear makeup but tonight I wore a little pastel eyeshadow, light pink blush, pale pink lipstick, and a touch of mascara. Even with the sparse makeup I looked quite different. But I was okay with that. Sometimes it’s fun to be different.

My mother knocked on my bedroom door. “Are you ready to go, Briar?”

“Yeah, I’m ready to go.”

“May I come in?”

“Of course.”

She came into the room, looked at me and said, “You’re a princess.”

I growled.

“Oh, come on. Just because you look like a princess doesn’t mean you don’t have the mind of a nuclear physicist.”

“Lyle is the nuclear physicist.”

“Lyle wouldn’t be your friend if you couldn’t go toe to toe with him intellectually.”

“You look fantastic too,” I said suddenly realizing my mother was dressed up as well.

“I felt like putting on the ritz. I’m fed up with this company I’m working for.”

“Why?”

“They cannot get through their heads they are about to spend millions of dollars on all the wrong things and not on the right things. They want to run their company based on fads instead of what’s in their best interest. They think their moving forwards but instead their heading backwards.”

“What are you going to do?”

My mom sighed. “Try to get them to turn the boat in a different direction. Someday you may find yourself in the same dilemma.” She studied my reflection in the mirror. “You look like you could use an accessory.”

“Okay…” I said warily, not being one to accessorize.

Mom handed me a small box wrapped with silver paper tied up with a green satin bow. “I thought you might like this.”

I untied the green ribbon and unwrapped the velvet box. I opened the spring lid to find a heart shaped sterling silver locket with a hand engraved floral design and near the point of the heart was an imbedded 14k gold puppy paw print with a small diamond in the center.

“Do you like it?”

“I do,” I said surprised.

“You should put it on.”

I removed the locket from the box and fastened it around my neck. It looked perfect with the mint green dress.

“Where did you get it?”

“Beryl’s Jewelers,” she said. “They make them in their shop. I had them add the paw because of how much you like dogs.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Of course.” My mom looked at her watch. “We’d better get going. I need to arrive at the dance early. The chaperones are meeting beforehand to go over what the rules are you kids need to follow and all that.”

For not being a prom, the dance was rather spectacular. The committee had decided on a King Kong theme which I thought was strange. A couple of students must have been into the new version of the film that had just come out and the accompanying video game. There was a huge blowup King Kong set up at the front of the gym. It depicted the Empire State Building with King Kong hanging off it with Ann Darrow clenched in his hand. A large arrangement balloons in the school colors green and red arched over it. The basketball court had been blocked off to protect the floor. The school sprung for a live band which played familiar pop songs as the kids danced.

I scanned the gym for Lyle. I regretted our last conversation and hoped he’d forgotten about it and would make an appearance. As I searched, Ellery sided up to me.

“Well, well,” he said. “Look at what the cat dragged in.”

Quincy slithered up beside him, of course, which made me wonder what conversation had gone on between them about Lyle and I acquiring the tranquilizers.

“So, how’s about that dance?” Ellery continued.

“Get lost,” I said.

“I don’t see your freaky friend around. No one here to come to your rescue.”

About a year ago my mother had made me take yet another self-defense class and I found myself faced with a couple of choices. I could palm-heel Ellery in the face or grab him by the ear and slam my foot into the side of his knee, both of which seemed extreme. Or I could do the best self-defense move of all: escape the situation. So, I pushed myself off the wall I was leaning against and began walking away.

“Hey,” Quincy said and blocked me. “Where do you think you’re going?”

This, of course, meant my attempt to use my best self-defense move had been thwarted.

“There’s a lot of chaperones here. And unlike when our parents were teenagers, they had the good sense to keep the place well-lit and not dark where they can’t see you. Now, get out of my way.”

Ellery stepped up to the other side of me making sure I was trapped. “Let me teach you some arithmetic, Gagnon,” he said. “You came to this dance, and I came to this dance. Now we’re going to dance.”

Just then, I heard a crackling sound. Quincy screamed and hit the floor with a thud. Suddenly, I saw my mother stick a cattle prod into Ellery’s side. The prod crackled, Ellery yelped, and hit the floor. She stuck the rod into Quincy’s side zapping him again and then repeated the action on Ellery.

“I know they’ll never want me to chaperone again,” my mom said. “But it was worth it.”

“Since when did you start carrying cattle prods?” I asked.

“Since I knew Ellery would be at the dance. Have you seen Lyle anywhere?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Have you tried texting him?”

“Yes. He never answered.”

“Huh.”

“I’m in pain!” Quincy said.

“Then you shouldn’t have harassed my daughter,” my mom told him.

“I’ll have my parents fire you!” Ellery groaned.

“I don’t work for your parents,” my mom said. “Briar, get out of this corner, text Lyle again and failing that go and look for him.”

I did as my mother said and followed her away from Ellery and Quincy. I texted Lyle:

            R U @ the dance?

I waited for a reply and still didn’t get one. I headed over to the entrance to the gym, walked up the steps to the main door and scanned around. I still could not find Lyle.

Suddenly, we all heard a siren. Not a normal siren like you would hear from a police car or a fire truck or an ambulance, but the kind you would hear as a warning for a natural disaster. The band stopped playing. Confusion filled the gym with students whispering, “what’s that?” and “what’s going on?” The chaperones all moved together into the center of the dance floor and began talking. My mother looked around. Our mutually confused eyes met. My phone buzzed. I looked at it. It was a text from Lyle:

            Kitten coming your way!

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL (1994)-NETFLIX

One of the best movies streaming on Netflix right now is this marvelous gem from 1994. It was written and directed by the wonderful Luc Besson who also wrote and directed the original la femme Nikita. Leon (fantastically played by Jean Reno) is a fastidious professional hitman living in New York City. He works for delicatessen shop owner Tony (Danny Aiello) who holds Leon’s money for him like a bank.

Leon lives in an apartment building where he takes great care of his beloved house plant, drinks milk, keeps himself in shape and maintains a low profile. His next-door neighbors are a husband and wife who have three children: a teenage girl, a preschool boy, and a middle child, a tweener named Mathilda (Natalie Portman in her brilliant first major motion picture performance). Mathilda is a smart and plucky but abused child and Leon always sees her sitting in the hall secretly smoking with new bruises on her face.

Mathilda’s abusive father (Michael Badalucco) has a drug running business relationship with a psychopath named Stansfield (Gary Oldman in a gleefully disturbed performance) and when Stansfield comes to collect, Mathilda’s father comes up short. Stansfield gives Mathilda’s father until noon the following day to come up with the missing dope. But Mathilda’s father does not have the missing dope. He’s been skimming a sizable sum of the profits and hiding it in the apartment. And Stansfield knows it. The next day at noon, things get ugly, and Leon finds himself having to choose between maintaining his low profile or using his special set of skills to protect Mathilda.

Netflix is running the original release of the film as opposed to the Director’s Cut which contains extra footage that gives more insight into Leon and Mathilda’s friendship. That said, even without the missing footage this is a spectacular film in every respect and a must see 90’s classic.

Good morning. It is I Gigi the parti poodle up bright and early today to bring you the fourteenth chapter of my story Catzilla. This morning my novelist woke me at dawn to rush me off to work at a garage sale. I am not certain if this is a good thing or not. Unfortunately, the Maltese will be joining us, preferably whilst locked in a room. I shall take it upon myself to be the director of this gala. If anyone tries to cause any trouble, I shall give them a thorough barking at. This rummage sale shall run as smoothly as the silk pillow I have always deserved. I shall oversee all finances as well. Poodles are excellent at math. I shall run a perfect till and be the envy of all garage sale till overseers. I will become famous for my extraordinary management skills. Fortune 500 companies will be begging me to run their companies. They will be fighting over me, offering me golden parachutes as none have ever been offered before. I shall become a Wall Street legend. I will be interviewed by Fortune magazine, The Wall Street Journal and Jim Cramer. I will be the face of the American economy. Nothing’s going to stop me now.

Gigi, we need more quarters.

Shut up, Tucker, you mangy cur. And now here is chapter fourteen of Catzilla. Enjoy!

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Fourteen

We only saw the kitten once more after that. It was in Ellery’s driveway three days later eating out of a large red bowl. Not only had it reached the one hundred pounds Dr. Grosser predicted it would reach, but it had also packed on twenty more making it the size of a small cougar. Then for one reason or another it vanished.

This bothered me a lot at first. I kept waking up at night thinking a huge kitten would burst through my bedroom window and rip me to shreds. But no such incident occurred. After a week went by, I turned my focus to my studies. My mother started her new assignment at a new company. I asked her what kind of company it was. She told me they specialized in psychology for investment planning. They’d brought her in to help work out some issues they’d had with cash flow.

Lyle continued to listen for more audio on the kitten but there was little to report. We stopped hearing anything of interest the day after we’d listened to the first recordings. Lyle concluded that the kitten must have lost the tracker somewhere. Or maybe someone found our bug and destroyed it.

“Do you think they’ll track the bug back to us?” I asked him.

“It’s possible but unlikely,” he said.

I started thinking more and more about my dad’s disappearance. I considered bringing it up to my mother a few times but thought better of it. Twelve days before the spring formal we were sitting at the dinner table when she suddenly asked me, “Is Lyle taking you to the dance or are you going solo?”

“I’m not going to the dance at all,” I told her.

“Isn’t it the biggest dance of the year outside of the prom?”

“Yes. But I don’t like social functions.”

“Neither do I. But sometimes we need to participate. Not to mention I signed up to be a chaperone.”

“Why?”

“That way you don’t have to go there alone.”

“I’m still not going. I’ve got a load of homework. If I go, I’ll never get it done.”

“You’ll get it done.”

“You’ve never chaperoned anything in your life.”

“There’s a first time for everything.”

I glanced over at my father’s picture on the hutch where the silverware was kept. He seemed to look at me and say, “do what your mother says”. I sighed and said, “Alright. I’ll go.”

On Tuesday evening before the stores closed, my mom and I went out and looked at dresses for the dance. We stopped at a boutique called Ribbons & Roses. I ended up buying a mint green cocktail dress with rows of vertical sequins. Then we went hunting for shoes at a place called Slippers. I chose a pair of matching mint green ballet flats with a thin strap across the top and a silver buckle. I didn’t mind the shopping, but I would have rather been buying the outfit for a nice dinner or a play instead of a school dance.

On Wednesday I was sitting outside eating my lunch when Lyle came up to me and said, “Have you seen the kitten today?”

“I haven’t seen him since last week,” I replied.

“What do you think is our plan of action?”

“I think we should go back to the Edevane Company’s factory and see if their keeping it there now.”

“I was thinking we should scout around the neighborhood for it. Are you free tonight?”

“No, I have a lot of studying to do. I’m required to go to the dance now because my mom volunteered to be a chaperone.”

Lyle’s face brightened up. “My mom can still take us.”

“No, thanks. My mom’s going to drive me.”

“Oh,” Lyle said disappointed. “Well, I guess I’ll see you there.”

“I’ll see you there.”

Lyle looked at me as if he was waiting for me to say something else. Then he got an embarrassed look on his face and left.

After a few minutes, Ellery sauntered up to me. “Hey, Briar,” he said in that smug tone of his.

“What do you want?”

“You going to that spring dance?”

I scrutinized his face. “Why?”

“It’s going to be a blast.”

“Because you won’t be there?”

“Oh, I’ll be there all right.” Then he laughed the most peculiar laugh I’ve ever heard. I noticed something strange in his eyes. Something I’d never seen before.

“What do you care if I go or not?”

“Thought you could save me a dance.”

“I don’t dance with parasites.”

“Oh, you’ll dance with me all right.”

“Not a chance.”

“You will if you know what’s good for you,” he said and wandered off whistling.

After lunch I head to biology class and wait for Lyle to come in and sit down in the seat next to me so we can work on the lab assignment. But by the time the bell rings he’s still not there. Lyle is never late.

“All right let’s quiet down and get started on these labs,” Mr. Relish said. “We’re already a day behind.”

Mr. Relish always tells us we’re a day behind. I keep looking at the door as I head over to the lab. But Lyle still doesn’t show. So, I’m working without a partner today. As I start to look over the assignment Ellery comes strolling over, leans into me from the opposite side of the countertop and says, “Scared Lyle off, did you?”

“He probably has a checkup or something he had to go to.”

Ellery laughed. “I’ve known that weirdo a long time and he never misses a class. Even when he’s sick. I saw you two chatting it up at lunch before I came over. I know something’s up.”

“Nothing’s up. And you shouldn’t spy on people.”

“Neither should you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, I think you know what it means.”

“Ellery,” Mr. Relish said. “Why aren’t you working on your experiment?”

“Well, Briar’s all alone here and doesn’t have a partner.”

“Devin’s your partner, Ellery. Go work with him. Now.”

“You heard Mr. Relish,” I said. “Devin’s lonely.”

Ellery scoffed and pushed himself off the countertop. “I’ll be seeing you at the dance, twinkle toes,” he said, before he pointed at me and made a sound with his tongue like he’d make at a horse. Then he strolled back to Devin’s lab.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: NITRAM (2021)-HULU

On April 28,1996, one of the worst tragedies in Australian history occurred in Port Arthur, Tasmania. A young twenty-nine-year-old man with long unruly blonde hair walked into a bed and breakfast called Seascape, a popular Port Arthur Historic Site, ordered a fruit cup and juice, and after consuming his meal shot and killed thirty-five people and wounded twenty-three others including several children. This is the story leading up to the horrific event.

Martin Bryant (Caleb Landry Jones in a brilliant chilling performance that deservedly won him Best Actor at the Cannes Film Festival and should have gotten him an Oscar nod as well) nicknamed Nitram (Martin spelled backwards) by his peers is a highly disturbed and mentally challenged young man. His connection with reality is shaky at best. He likes to shoot off firecrackers whenever and wherever he pleases. He is not stable enough to have a drivers license, was unable to attend a normal school and is prone to erratic bursts of violence. His Mum (Judy Davis in a stunning performance that also shockingly did not receive an Oscar nod) is the cold weathered voice of reason. She is forced to tell Martin’s psychiatrist not to stop prescribing her son’s medicine. She is profoundly trapped with what is more of an unruly animal then a son and is married to Martin’s mentally unstable Dad (Anthony LaPaglia). Dad is a gentle soul but has horrific bouts of depression.

One day, Martin takes it upon himself to start a business cutting lawns and goes about the neighborhood trying to earn money. But his reputation precedes him and his actions like putting his foot in neighbor’s doors and lurching at them threateningly does not win him any gigs. That is until he meets fifty-year-old Helen (Essie Davis), an amiable but eccentric heiress who takes a liking to Martin. Martin genuinely attempts to mow Helen’s lawn, but his lawnmower gives out, so she gives him a job walking her fourteen or so dogs. The two take a liking to each other which proves to be like ammonia and bleach becoming friends. Helen begins giving Martin lavish gifts like Volvos and solid gold pendants with bulls on them. She even puts him in her will. But the one thing Martin asks for that she will not give him is a gun, which proves to be her sanest hour. An hour that sadly goes by far too quickly when things take a dark crucial turn.   

Nitram is by no means an easy watch, but it is an essential one. It is a well-crafted pot boiler by writer Shaun Grant and director Justin Kurzel who is known for his bold and crucial works that shake up audiences and make them think. Like movies are supposed to. The film does an excellent job condensing and examining the steps that lead up to Martin’s nightmarish act of pure unadulterated evil which, in one form or another, is just like all the other steps that lead up to all the other mass shootings. The film is never gratuitous and always tense as it weaves a profound message everyone needs to hear. Especially those who believe all humans think and act the same and fail to understand some people are profoundly dangerous. It just takes one aberrant reprobate to ruin millions of lives. Make it a point to watch the information provided on screen at the end of the movie. It is a sobering message on the nature of human beings who place more value on possessions than lives.  

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here once again to introduce chapter thirteen of my story Catzilla. This week my novelist and I, as many of you may have done, watched L’Interview with Rex Heuermann. We appreciate the interviewer and his film crew having done this piece. It is rare to get an opportunity to observe a real-life super psychopath in the wild (someone who scores 34 or above on the PCL-R) as this interviewer was able to capture and we wanted to point out some things that caught our attention about his subject.

1. His disregard for animals. The interviewer brings in his very cute dog Norman. Heuermann says “hello, Norman” and then immediately afterwards disregards him and says in a bored tone, “looks like it’s raining outside”. He never mentions having a pet of his own or how cute the dog is like a normal person would do. Although villains in films may be portrayed as having a cat they are constantly porting around, real psychopaths tend to have little to no interest in animals unless they are looking to victimize them. We poodles detest anyone who does not appreciate the Canis lupus familiaris.  
2. His flat affect. In contrast to the interviewer who has a very expressive face Heuermann has a flat affect or lack of emotion throughout the entire interview. He has what my novelist and I like to call a quasi-smile. In fact, at the end of the interview the interviewer and Heuermann take a selfie. The interviewer asks Heuermann if he can smile for the picture and Heuermann, still with his flat affect says, “That is (a smile)”. I myself do not often smile but my eyes express it all.
3. Animated hands. Heuerman uses his hands a lot when he talks. By doing this he is using what is called highly persuasive nonverbal behavior which psychopaths do to distract the listener from identifying their true nature. I often plant my paws on my novelist’s leg to let her know I demand she stop what she is doing and serve me.
4. Wide face. Men with wider faces have a greater tendency to have psychopathic traits. He also has deep set eyes which is another physical trait associated with psychopathy. I have a narrow nose. Who can resist a poodle with our fantastic narrow noses?
5. Distinctive eyebrows. Heuermann has heavy thick arched eyebrows which are related to narcissism. Not all narcissists are psychopathic, but all psychopaths are narcissists. He also exhibits a grandiose sense of self when he talks about how well he does his job. We poodles do not have eyebrows.
6. How to understand people. When the interviewer asked what his job has taught him, he responded “I think it has taught me how to understand people.” This is not a psychopathic trait per say but an observation on his taking pride in honing his manipulation skills. Note that he uses the word think not feel. And he repeats the word think as he continues answering the question. Psychopaths are thinkers not feelers. My novelist and I are thinkers, but we try to use our powers for good and not evil.
7. Highly intelligent. Psychopaths always have an above average IQ. Heuermann could not have become an architect without being intelligent. Also, his father was an aerospace engineer which, like architecture, requires a high IQ. I have a high IQ myself, but then I am a poodle, and we naturally have high IQs.
8. Speech patterns. Although more subtle than other psychopaths we’ve come across Heuermann still had a combination of approximately twenty-seven disfluencies, doubled words and subordinate conjunctions he used in the interview. His most common was the word because which he sometimes said as ‘cause.
9. What he does for a living. Architects are not on Dr Kevin Dutton’s fantastic survey he did in the UK to determine which occupations psychopaths are most likely to hold. However, though Heuermann may technically be an architect his job is really that of a CEO and lawyer. He owns his own firm and negotiates laws and contracts, which is what he excels at. Being a CEO is the first most common occupation and lawyer is the second most common occupation psychopaths gravitate towards according to Dr. Kevin Dutton’s survey. Heuermann is like the Las Vegas shooter who originally got his degree in accounting, which ironically is on Dr. Kevin Dutton’s other list of top ten jobs psychopaths are least likely to be drawn to, but quickly turned to selling real estate and became a salesman is the fourth most likely occupation for psychopaths. I am a creative writer. It would be extremely rare to encounter a creative writer who was a psychopath. Journalists are far more likely to be evil and rank number six on Dr. Dutton’s list.    
10. Family Issues. Psychopathy is hereditary and after watching the interview we found out his brother Craig Heuermann killed a police inspector in 1988 in a substantial auto wreck on the Southern State Turnpike in New York. Craig was drunk and high on cocaine at the time. He was charged with criminally careless murder and driving while inebriated. Craig Heuermann’s behavior is associated with MAOA, one of the six alleles connected with psychopathy. Psychopaths have a combination of at least four of these alleles. MAOA is linked to HSS which stands for High Sensation Seeking and is associated with risk taking and reckless behavior. One of the most frightening things about MAOA is people who have it seek out mates who have also inherited the allele.
11. His possessions. After the interview we found out police reportedly confiscated a child-like doll and more than 200 guns from his home. He also was found to have done 200 searches for child pornography.  
12. Much ado about the hammer. When we saw the interview the first time and the interviewer asked Heuermann if he were a tool or an object to bring his business to greater heights what tool would he be, Heuermann answered a cabinet maker’s hammer. Before we ever knew his response, we instinctively suspected he would choose a hammer. We were less impressed than others have been about his answer. What we found important was what he said to explain his answer which was how a hammer is persuasive and he uses it to persuade. This hooks back into his pride in knowing how to understand people, another clue about his focus on manipulation. That to us was more telling than the object itself. That is what caught our attention.

And there you have it. Now here is chapter thirteen of Catzilla. Enjoy!

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Thriteen

After we bugged the cat, Lyle began monitoring it and recording its travels. It continued to eat food out of various bowls in various neighbor’s driveways. After a week passed and the kitten had gained another twenty pounds or so, Lyle came over to my house with the recordings.

“Hello, Lyle,” my mother said when he showed up on our doorstep. “I suppose you’re here to see Briar about her cyborg project.”

Shock crossed Lyle’s face as if my mother had figured out our entire operation. “I…I wouldn’t call it a…”

“Hello, Lyle,” I said stepping up behind my mother. “You ready to show me the results?”

“Yes,” he said. “I am.”

“Would either of you care for some lemonade?” my mother asked. “I just made some.”

“Yes, please, Mrs. Gagnon.”

Lyle and I waited near the dining room table while my mother headed into the kitchen to fetch the lemonade. “Have you listened to the tapes yet?”

“Some. Does your mother make lemonade a lot?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s cool. My mom never makes lemonade or limeade for that matter.”

“My mom doesn’t trust any of the storebought stuff. She insists on squeezing the fruit herself.”

“Wow. Maybe I should try making my own. Maybe my mom would get the hint and start making lemonade and limeade too.”

“Here we go,” my mom said returning from the kitchen with two glasses of lemonade garnished with lemon wheels.

“Thank you, Mrs. Gagnon.”

“Thanks, mom.”

“I take it you two want to use my office,” my mom said.

“Yes, please.”

“Don’t mess with my computer. I have important work on it.”

“We won’t.”

Lyle and I headed into the office. “Do you have a set of headphones?” Lyle asked when we got inside.

“My mom does.”

“Get them.”

Lyle put on his pair which he had resting on his shoulders. I fetched my mom’s pair lying on top of a stack of papers. We sat down in the comfortable desk chairs and Lyle played the recording on his phone. Most of what we heard was a steady purring. Then some pitter pattering of the kitten walking around. Occasionally it lapped up water and munched food. But after several minutes we heard a vehicle, footsteps and then the sound of a man picking up the cat, the squeak of what we imagined was a cage door opening, closing, and locking and what sounded like the man walking up to the vehicle, putting the cat inside and the sliding a van door closed. 

We heard the engine rumble as the van drove away. And after twenty minutes when we thought the purr of the engine was all we’d ever hear, the van appeared to idle followed by the clattering of a metal gate and the van driving through.

After a minute, the van’s engine turned off and we heard the side door slide open. The driver said, “Boy you’re getting heavy,” as he grunted and struggled with the cage. This was followed by the cage being placed on something like a cart and the squeaking of the wheels as they turned. We assumed the cart or whatever was rolling over asphalt. After a short while, we heard a large heavy door open and close with equal vigor. The surface changed to a smooth path and the cart continued rolling along until we heard a buzz, the click of a lock releasing, a door opening, and the cart gliding forwards.

“Where do you want her, professor?” the driver asked.

“If you could get her out of the carrier and set her on the table, we can take it from there.” We recognized the voice as Professor Grosser.

“She’s going to come out of this cage mad like she did last time.”

“Put on your mask and gloves and you should be fine.”

The man sighed. “If you say so.”

Lyle and I listened as we heard the door of the carrier click open and a horrible loud low-toned hiss. This was followed by unearthly caterwauling and what sounded like a struggle.

“Augh!” the man exclaimed. “She tore my jacket!”

“Keep her away from your face.”

“No kidding!”

Suddenly, the man screamed, and Lyle and I both jumped as the hissing and caterwauling intensified. “Get it off me! Get it off me!”

“Reed, would you be so kind as to assist him?”

The man screamed for a couple more seconds and then the struggle stopped.

“Thank you, Reed.”

“How much does that…thing weigh?!” the delivery man asked, his voice frenzied.

“Today she weighs eighty-five pounds. If you ask me in two days, she will weigh over one hundred.”

“She’s like a wolverine!”

“You remained unscathed.”

“Unscathed?! She ripped my jacket to pieces!”

“Reed, would you call the desk and make sure our delivery man here is compensated for his jacket? Thank you for delivering our specimen. You may wait outside.”

“How large is she going to get?”

“That is an excellent question. I’ll let you know when I decide to provide an answer.”

We heard the man scoff then grumble as he left the room.

“After you’ve settled the matter with the man’s jacket do go and fetch the syringes, would you? I want to do a blood draw on our little royal here.”

“Sure,” Reed said. He sounded young.

After Reed left, we heard Professor Grosser say to the kitten, “You’ve been shaping up rather nicely. Growing at a perfect rate.”

The kitten mewed a strange raspy mew as if it had started smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

“Yes, my darling. Now, mommy’s going to draw some blood and run some tests.

The kitten mewed again.

“Cat sounds strange,” Lyle said. “I don’t remember her sounding that croaky.”

“Neither do I.”

“Here’s the syringes, professor,” Reed said returning to the room.

“Why thank you, Reed. Let’s see what we can find, shall we?”

“Do you think we’re still on track?”

“Oh, yes. The experiment is working out quite nicely. Did you know nice is a rather terrible word?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Its original definition was “to be ignorant”.”

“Interesting.”

“Yes, indeed. Ah, there. Take this to the labs and I’ll look at the results in a couple of hours. In the meantime, let’s get our little sweetheart back to work.”

“Professor Grosser?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think this is the only way to achieve the test results?”

“Absolutely. Now, go fetch our delivery person and have him drive our little precious here back to the neighborhood.”

Reed left the room and brought back the driver. “She’s ready for you now,” Professor Grosser told him when he returned.

“Look,” the driver said. “This whole transporting this cat thing back and forth is getting more dangerous every time I go out. I need a partner to bring in on the job. I can’t be out there doing this alone anymore.”

There was a long silence where no one said anything.

“Another driver, you say?” Professor Grosser finally said.

“Yes.”

His answer was followed by more silence. Then suddenly, the driver shouted, “Hey! What are you doing? Stay away from me! Stay away from me!”

We heard a struggle and unsettling scraping sounds. Finally, Dr. Grosser said, “There. That should help you handle the cat.”

“What did you do to me?! What have you done to me?!”

“I’ve provided some assistance for your job. Now, off you go!”

“I’m going to HR about this!”

Dr. Grosser and Reed laughed wickedly. “Be serious, man,” Dr. Grosser said. “Now pick up the kitten and take her back to the neighborhood.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: HEADHUNTERS (HODEJEGERNE)(2011)-HBO MAX

This week’s film is a superb fast-paced edge of your seat comic thriller from Norway based on the novel Headhunters by Jo Nesbø and Don Bartlett. A 5’6” corporate headhunter named Roger (Aksel Hennie) suffers from serious self-esteem issues. Despite his successful career, Roger is in over his head. His house is far too expensive, his bank account is near drained, and he is married to a beautiful blonde statuesque art curator named Diana (Synnøve Macody Lund) who is out of his league, and he can’t stop buying jewelry for. With Roger’s funds, Diana has just opened her own art gallery. What Diana doesn’t know is to pay for it, Roger moonlights…as an art thief. And a proficient one at that. He works with a security expert named Ove Kjikerud (Eivind Sander) who assists him by turning off home security systems in Roger’s client’s houses allowing Roger to slip inside, steal the real painting, replace it with a passable fake, deliver the real painting to his bosses and take his stake. Unfortunately, even with his side job Roger is still struggling to pay the bills. Not to mention, Roger has been having an affair with a woman named Lottie (Julie R. Ølgaard) which has expenses of its own.

On the evening of her gallery’s opening Roger notices Diana talking with a tall handsome man named Clas Greve (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) a executive for a former GPS company called HOTE. Diana introduces Claus to her husband who thinks he would make an excellent new CEO for one of his clients who runs a competing GPS company. Clas has recently inherited his grandmother’s apartment. Apparently during the war his grandmother had an affair with a German officer who gifted her with a painting worth several million dollars. After stumbling upon this knowledge during a casual conversation with his wife the next morning, Roger decides stealing Clas’s painting could be the answer to all his financial woes and he and Ove go to work to pull off the ultimate art heist. But one should be careful about stealing from a mercenary with a certain set of skills…and a bloodthirsty dog. Don’t miss it.