Happy Boxing Day

December 27, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here to wish you a joyful Boxing Day. The day after Christmas is always a challenging one. It is the day one wakes up and realizes Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is over, and Christmas is over. What lies ahead is New Years, Valentine’s Day and Easter. But the magic of the holiday season is quickly ending and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Not to mention I received a fluffy chewing toy but not a diamond studded collar as requested. There must be a way to get Santa to put one on his sleigh next year.

Today is also the day my novelist purchases Christmas wrapping paper for next year. She detests purchasing anything at full price. As she says, everything is prettier when it’s on sale. And so, she takes her annual voyage to The Container Store and procures paper there and goes online and procures other holiday wrapping items from Hallmark as well. Then she goes about putting them all away until next year.

I have become a bit shaggy and will need a trim soon. This, of course, is most distressing. My novelist will probably call tomorrow to get me an appointment. Dreadful. And with that thought here is my novelist’s stream of the week. Bonne fête d’Après-Noël!

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: JUST FRIENDS (2005)-HULU**

This week’s movie is not a deep and profound story. It will not change your life or make you into the person you’ve always wanted to be. But it is a holiday movie that’s a lot of fun and the story strangely holds up over time, especially having been made nineteen years ago. And since you are probably drained out and exhausted after the Christmas rush, it’s something to kick back and enjoy. The only characters in the film I don’t understand are the lead character’s two best friends. I believe you could tell the story without them. But that said there are plenty of characters to love. And unlike most romantic comedies the lead is a male instead of a female (like in The Forty-Year-Old Virgin)which gives it a fun twist

The story is simple. A tenderhearted and likeable overweight teen named Chris Brander (gleefully played by Ryan Reynolds) wants to be more than friends with his best friend the lovely Jamie Palomino (Amy Smart). One night at a party during their Senior year of high school Chris sets out to do just that and writes a well-penned letter expressing his feelings. Said letter, however, falls into the hands of the high school bully, Tim (Ty Olsson) who reads it to the party goers. Utterly embarrassed, Chris vows to make a name for himself and leave this town of losers behind.

Chris makes good on his promise and becomes a successful music producer as well as a ladies’ man. When his boss KC (Stephen Root) tells him he needs to babysit his pop music sensation the mentally unstable Samantha James (Anna Faris) who happens to be one of Chris’s ex-girlfriends and fly with her to Paris, Chris reluctantly agrees. But when their plane ends up in New Jersey near his hometown, Chris takes a chance at finally trying to ask Jamie out on a date while asking his younger brother Mike (Christopher Rodriguez Marquette) to babysit Samantha whom Mike has an obsessive crush on. But Chris finds his plan is not as easy as he realized when he realizes he has a rival in his fellow ex-nerd classmate sensitive guitar playing EMT Dusty Dinkleman (Chris Klein). Julie Haggarty rounds out the cast as Chris and Mike’s mother.

Selling a House is Difficult Indeed

December 19, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here hoping you are having a wonderful holiday season. This week we finally got our tree up thanks to…Him. It has lights but no decorations yet. My novelist has been helping one of her relatives sell their house as well as starting work on her new novel. It has been utter madness. We’ve hardly had time to breathe. None of our gifts are wrapped. And our home is discombobulated. We have come to learn, as some of you may know, the biggest challenge to selling a house is emptying it. Absolute pandemonium. We have also learned that one of the worst things to sift through in a house is not accessories or books or clothing or dishes or tools. It’s papers. Papers are the worst. You must go through every document to figure out what is important and what is trash. An absolute nightmare. Things can be kept, sold, gifted and/or donated. But not paperwork. I wake up at night after dreaming about the sound of shredders. I now know what it is like to work for UPS. I have nothing but respect for those astute individuals. One would not think a writer would come to despise paper. However, a good writer often writes on their computer, uploading their work to the cloud and keeps notebooks of their writings usually in an orderly or somewhat orderly fashion. But paperwork, well now, that’s a whole different story.

That said, I am keeping a stiff upper lip and keeping my novelist well managed by telling her which pile to put which documents in. She has been remarkably accepting of my suggestions. The sale of the property should be completed this week and then we can settle back into our usual routine and move forward with the holiday season. I for one am still itching for my diamond studded collar to be placed under our tree by Santa or my novelist. Either is satisfactory. And now, here is my novelist’s Stream of the Week. Joyeuses Fêtes!

MY BOOKS

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: DERRY GIRLS (2018)-NETFLIX**

One of Netflix very best comedies is this absolute gem by Lisa McGee. If you have never seen it, you really, really should. It catches your attention right off the bat and you won’t be able to wait for the next episode. If you are looking for something to binge-watch this holiday season you will find it difficult to choose a better dark comedy than this one about five friends who find themselves in all sorts of wacky teenage situations which come off as utterly entertaining and smartly told. In my opinion, this might be one of the best if not the best teenage ensembles I’ve ever seen put together on a television show. McGee based the show on her teenage years when she attended Thornhill College in Northern Ireland in the early 1990’s. The show won a well-deserved Internation Emmy for its third and final season. At least the Emmys got something right.

Set in the early 1990’s in Northern Ireland in the little town of Derry, lives a group of catholic girls who just want to be teenagers and not bothered with the war, often referred to as The Troubles. Erin Quinn (Saoirse-Monica Jackson) is a sixteen-year-old catholic schoolgirl who keeps a diary and dreams of one day becoming a writer. She lives with her mother Mary Quinn (Tara Lynne O’Neill), her father Gerry Quinn (Tommy Tiernan), her maternal grandfather Joe McCool (Ian McElhinney), her sixteen-year-old cousin Orla McCool (Louisa Harland) and Orla’s mother Erin’s aunt Sarah McCool (Kathy Kiera Clarke).

Erin and Orla attend Our Lady Immaculate College with their friends the neurotic Clair Devlin (Nicola Coughlan) and cock-sure Michelle Mallon (Jamie-Lee O’Donnell). As the show opens on the first day of a new school year, Michelle is accompanied by her cousin James Maguire (Dylan Llewellyn) who has recently moved in with the Mallon’s. He is from England, which all the girls give him a hard time about and is the only male student attending the all-girls school. Our Lady Immaculate College is run by world weary nun Sister Michael (Siobhán McSweeney) who has seen it all and sees through just about everything.

What do you buy a Bunny for Christmas?

December 12, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here once again wishing you a happy holiday season. This week we have gotten a lot of rain although my novelist and I have managed to go for a walk here and there during the breaks. I often find myself sitting by the window in my novelist’s office curled up and cozy on my pillow watching the raindrops spatter on the window as my novelist works on her new book.

We still have not put up and trimmed our Christmas tree and the clock is ticking. I adore Christmas trees. They often have gifts under them addressed to me. I also have my own stocking. It is green and red and knit out of yarn and says Dogs Like Presents Too. Well, of course we do. I am still holding out for a diamond studded collar this year. I will probably get a lovely chew toy, but that does not stop me from dropping hints here and there. Like my paw print doodles that happen to look like diamonds. Or whining when a jewelry ad happens to pop up on the computer screen. Or opening my novelist’s jewelry box and bringing her one of her pieces. I am a master of subtle persuasion. Although I do face a serious reprimand for opening her jewelry box and bringing her one of her pieces. Diamonds are a poodle’s best friend after all.

I am also busy trying to pick out the perfect gifts for Bernard D. Bunny and his little sister Belle. What should one give a rabbit for Christmas? I was considering a gift card from the pet store. But I would have to lend Bernard my computer to put in an order online because although it is a marvelous store the bus ride would be tricky for him to take, and the checkout counter is rather tall. He can jump quite high but not that high. I may be able to hop up and down, catch air, and throw the card at the counter but then again, I would have to take the bus over there and that is a monumental feat. Oh, I suppose I could let the rabbit use my computer. But it is my computer after all. I guess if I didn’t leave him unsupervised it could work. I will order a stuffed bunny, make it two stuffed bunnies, and get the gift cards and put them in the bunnies’s paws. Mission accomplished. And with that, here is my novelist’s Stream of the Week. Joyeux Noël!

MY BOOKS

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: VICE PRINCIPALS (2016)-HBO**

As we move closer to Christmas, I thought I would list some great binging opportunities starting with this one. Danny McBride is television gold. His shows are edgy, funny and downright fantastic. And if you’ve never seen this one, you really should. It’s a real headscratcher for me why comedies like this don’t get nominated for Emmys. Apparently, you can’t be funny if you want to get nominated. And no, I’m not talking about The Bear. That show is good.

Many times, I’ll sit down to watch a comedy show that gets a lot of accolades and find it’s not even remotely humorous. These lukewarm bore fests either steal their format from a show that’s ten times better and come off as amateurs or they’re downright dull. But if it really makes you laugh like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or The Righteous Gemstones it gets completely ignored. The television industry needs to rethink this problem.

One important thing this show did right was it was completely written, every episode that is, before it was ever cast or shot. And that makes all the difference in the world. A show should always know how it’s going to end. And if it doesn’t, the writers are sloppy. This should be required before a show is ever given the green light. A TV bible is great and all but if you do not know how the entire story ends, that show should never get made. Ever. Even if you can’t have the entire show completely written, know how it ends. Then and only then do you know where it’s going. J.J. Abrams, as an example, never ends any of his projects well. He starts out his stories strongly, but he can’t stick the landing to save his life whether it be Lost or Star Wars.

But Danny McBride deserves a score of ten and the gold medal. He co-created Vice Principals with Jody Hill, and the plot of this dark comedy works like this: Principal Welles (Bill Murray) of North Jackson High School is retiring to take care of his wife. Under Principal Welles are two vice principals: Neil Gamby (Danny McBride) the school’s authoritarian vice principal and Lee Russell (Walton Goggins) the vice principal of curriculum. Both despise each other and are cocksure one of them will take Principal Welles’s place. That is until they find out the school district has hired Dr. Belinda Brown (Kimberly Hébert Gregory) to fill the vacancy instead. After preparing to backstab each other to get the job, Russell invites Gamby to the woods near the school to call a truce and form a pact to oust Brown from her job so one of them can get the title instead.

Both Gamby and Russell have complicated personal lives which intervene with their plan. Gamby is recently divorced from his wife Gale (Busy Philips) and is trying to stay involved in the life of his daughter Janelle (Maya G. Love). Neil struggles to come to terms with Gale’s likable new husband Ray (Shea Whigham) and Ray’s passion for motorcycles instead of horses. He also finds himself falling for English teacher Amanda Snodgrass (Georgia King). Russell, meanwhile, is married to Christine (Susan Park) but struggles with his mother in-law Mi-Cha (June Kyoto Lu) who gives him no end of aggravation. Rounding out the cast are Edi Patterson as Ms. Abbott and Sheaun McKinney as Dayshawn.

Gigi’s Holiday Shopping

December 6, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good evening. Gigi the parti poodle here to wish you Happy Holidays and discuss the Christmas shopping season. I have wanted to address my adoring fans by taking a trip to the mall and allowing them to fawn over my beauty and occasionally even shake paws with them. But my dreams have been dashed as…Him does not like malls. I do not understand why…Him prefers shopping online when there are fans out there for me to meet and greet. My novelist falls somewhere in between. She likes to do some holiday shopping online and some out at the stores which she did this season. So, I was briefly adored by fans who were constantly asking me for my pawprint for which I gladly took out my portable ink pad and provided them with.

But alas, my moments of adoration were brief and I long to bask in the spotlight. Not to mention how much I love being out and about. I relish looking at the decorations and the store windows and gazing at my spectacular reflection. I love hopping up in Santa’s lap and providing him with a more efficient way to deliver presents as an elf takes our photo for posterity. I love getting free treats at the boutique pet store and being told how adorable I am because I am adorable. Hopefully I will be able to get out more and receive the admiration I so vehemetly deserve this time of year. Until next week I hope you enjoy this most magical season.

MY BOOKS

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: WOMAN OF THE HOUR (2024)-NETFLIX**

One of the best movies I’ve seen this year so far is this film directed by Anna Kendrick who also stars in the lead role. And she does a terrific job in both. When I prepared to write one of my novels which I have finished but not yet published, I had to do research on psychopaths. I read several books, watched a lot of documentaries, and studied many research papers. Some of the books were difficult to get my hands on at the time as they were out of print or hard to find. One of the more obscure ones was The Rapist File: Interviews with Convicted Rapists by Les Sussman, Sally Bordwell and Ellen Frankfort. It is an interesting collection of interviews done by Sussman and Bordwell who spoke with a variety of incarcerated rapists. They went into prisons and talked to these criminals, recorded the conversations and printed what they said. And what most of these men loved to do was plan their hunt, stalk their game, bag their kill, and perfect their skills.

I remember being at one of the zoos here in the Pacific Northwest and watching this leopard pace back and forth in its cage, its eyes never leaving the children standing outside. Open that cage and see what happens. The leopard’s not so alluring anymore, is it? When interviewers ask actors how they find humanity in a character like Rodney, I roll my eyes. The answer is simple: they are playing a predatory animal. A predatory animal has no humanity.

Half of repeat or recidivist rapists are psychopaths. 20-25% of prisoners are psychopaths. And approximately 15-25% of serial killers are psychopaths. They may look like a person, talk like a person, and appear to act like a person. But are they human? Do they even have emotions past anger and irritation?

The word “psychopath” essentially means “suffering soul”. Psychopaths are missing 21% grey matter in their prefrontal lobe and 5-10% grey matter in their paralimbic system. And psychopathy is genetic. In fact, a psychopath has a 50/50 chance of siring or giving birth to another psychopath. A psychopath has four to six of the following genetic alleles:

AKK1

DRD2

DRD4

MAOA

COMT

5-HTTLPR

These alleles cause them to have the following traits:

Heavy and/or pronounced Eyebrows

Heightened reactivity involving the forehead and eye socket muscles when criticized (an angry stare)

Wide faces

Disfluencies in speech (um, uh, etc.)

Doubled words in speech (the-the, he-he, she-she, etc.)

Abnormal White Matter Integrity

Use an excessive of subordinate conjunctions (because, so that, therefore, etc.)

Tend to whistle or make repetitive noise

Talk incessantly about sex, money and/or food

Dislike pets and may have killed one or more

Drink black coffee

Drink gin and tonics

Likes to eat bitter foods like radishes

Are nomadic

Enjoy listening to rap music such as “Lose Yourself”

Do not like music with changes in tempo like “My Sharona” and “Titanium”

Were a chronic bed wetter late into youth

Has Grandiose/Extreme Narcissism

May have been misdiagnosed with ADD

Have physical ticks

Appear charming

Quick to anger and irritation

Are a pathological liar

Are always an extroverted personality type and often test as an ENTP (mad scientist), ESTP (con artist) or ENTJ (evil overlord)

Sport a quasi-smile

Are highly manipulative

Will copy body language during conversation

They gravitate towards occupations like CEO, Lawyer, Media, Sales, Surgeon, Journalist, Police Officer, Clergy, Chef, Public Servant (usually involving government positions like politicians). One might note all ten of these occupations often require working strange hours.

Dr. Robert Hare created the Psychopathy checklist (PCL-R) which is considered the gold standard. He created a list of twenty items which can only be administered by a professional. Each question is worth either 0, 1 or 2 points which simply translates to does not apply, partial match or mixed information, or a reasonably good match to the offender. In America, if you score a 30 or higher on this checklist, you are a psychopath. In the United Kingdom 25 or higher indicates a psychopath. If you score above 34…well, then you’re Rodney Alcala. Or Jeffrey Dahmer. Or Ted Bundy. Essentially what is known as a Super Psychopath.

It is important to note most psychopaths are male. In fact, a man is ten times more likely to be psychopath than a woman. 1 in 150 men is a psychopath. 1 in 1050 women is a psychopath meaning that testosterone plays a large part in psychopathy. And so those books like Gone, Girl, are a little misleading. Female psychopaths exist, of course. They’re just rare. Presently, FMRI tests (MRI tests done with FMRI software which allow the doctors to see movement in the brain when introduced to stimuli) can determine a psychopath. Eventually, as science advances, I imagine this will be done with a blood test due to the genetic nature of the condition. Which leads us to this week’s film:

Rodney Alcala (Daniel Zovatto) uses an unusual weapon: a camera. He wields it to manipulate the vanity of his prey. And it works. He finds people, often young women, who interest him and tells them he is an award-winning photographer, drives them off into an isolated area, takes their pictures, strangles them, revives them, rapes them, and kills them. And he does it a lot.

Meanwhile, Cheryl Bradshaw (Anna Kendrick), a graduate of NYU’s Tisch School of The Arts has moved out to Hollywood and is scrambling to get jobs. She has a would-be friend and fellow neighbor in her apartment building named Terry (Pete Holms), who makes the appearance of wanting to help her but ultimately is somewhat parasitic and is not above using vague psychological warfare to try and win her affections. Cheryl gets a call from her agent one day who tells her she has booked her on The Dating Game. Cheryl realizes it’s just a one-day gig and she really isn’t all that interested, but she agrees anyway and goes on the show where she encounters subtle hints of sexism which make her uncomfortable. But nothing makes her more uncomfortable than meeting Bachelor Number Three who turns out to be Rodney Alcala.

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 28, 2024November 28, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good morning and Happy Thanksgiving! It is I Gigi the parti poodle wishing you the most bountiful feast of this glorious holiday. I plan to spend today enjoying all the wonderful treats the holiday brings. Especially the pie. I adore pie. With whipped cream. I am presently lounging on my lovely couch watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Someday there will be a giant life size balloon of my likeness floating high above the New York City crowd. I plan to have a beautiful sparkling collar made of—

Not before I get mine.

Bernard D. Bunny. How marvelous of you to join us on this most auspicious occasion.

They are already designing a balloon for me.

No, they most certainly are not. You are a side character.

I am cuter than you.

I beg to differ, Bernard. It is my likeness that graces the web page of this blog.

I am going to get a giant balloon of my likeness in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade before you.

Not a chance, rabbit. But why are we fighting. Today is a day of gratefulness and peace. We should be peaceful to one another.

I’m telling you, poodle. My balloon is going to be flying sky-high next Thanksgiving. In fact, it will be the featured balloon everyone has been waiting for.

Don’t be absurd. People love dogs more than rabbits.

In your dreams. Bunnies are the cutest animals alive.

You are insufferable! How did you even get into the house anyway?

Your novelist left the door open.

Well, get out! Go eat grass or whatever horrific food you Oryctolagus cuniculus nosh.

Maybe I wouldn’t be so snippy with you if you had invited me to Thanksgiving dinner.

I mean the nerve…is that what this is all about, I failed to extend an invitation to dinner to you?

Quite frankly, yes.

Fine. Well then…I will. I will extend an invitation to dinner to you. Do you wish to join my novelist and I for Thanksgiving?

I need to bring my sister Bella.

Fine. Would you and Bella like to join my novelist and I for Thanksgiving?

MY BOOKS

STREAM OF THE WEEK: BUY NOW! THE SHOPPING CONSPIRACY (2024)- NETFLIX and MANUFACTURED LANDSCAPES (2006)-AMAZON PRIME VIDEO

Here’s a couple movies to get you ready for the holiday season. If you thought consumerism was bad when A Charlie Brown Christmas premiered on December 9, 1965, you ought to see it now. If there is one thing I detest about fashion, it’s fast fashion. And Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy does a solid job of showing how insatiable our unquenchable need for stuff is and why we keep buying it.

The documentary features several different talking heads of professionals who had high positions in companies such as Addidas and Amazon. It then takes the viewer on a journey of how they got to a point where their conscience started to catch up with them. Mostly concerning how much waste their company put into the environment and the manipulative ways the company convinced consumers to put it there. They discuss bits and pieces of the “science” that goes into drawing you in and enticing you to become enamored of a product online and getting you to buy it. Things like urgency, insecurity, manipulation of information, and lies. The computer graphics are quite haunting and depict the grotesqueness of excess we have come to accept as an everyday way of life.

The film is broken into five sections which show the viewer, tongue in cheek, how to become successful in the retail business. One of the most frustrating parts of the movie dates to the early twentieth century where a group of businessmen got in a room and discussed the light bulb. They talked about how one could be made that lasted a very long time, but how it was better to build one with a planned obsolescence so the customer would have to purchase a new light bulb repeatedly. This is why products wear out. Not because they naturally must wear out but because they are built to wear out. How convenient. This applies to just about any object you can imagine which is why there is now fast fashion and not clothes which follow the natural model of seasons anymore. And it plays a large part in why there is so much waste lying around the planet. It’s why you keep having to buy new tires for your car every so often. It is possible to make a tire for a car which would last the automobile’s lifetime. But industrial greed keeps you buying new ones.

Manufactured Landscapes is a masterpiece of documentary filmmaking by Canadian director Jennifer Baichwal about photographer Edward Burtynsky. It is unrated and I encourage everyone to watch it at least once.The first eight minutes simply take you down the rows of a factory in China. The place is neat and clean, highly organized, filled with competent productive workers…and is gigantic. The sight alone is shocking. One of the best openings to a documentary I’ve ever seen. And then as the film progresses, we get to see the landscapes filled with waste in some of the countries around the world. The film focuses on clotheslines of sorts in factories with hundreds upon thousands of irons. And then the camera focuses on the metal bottom of an iron discarded in a gigantic garbage dump filled with metal waste. It also shows the massive amounts of cargo containers on ships and the yards where the ships themselves are built in contrast to the oil waste and the young people between 18-30 or younger that are employed to clean it up. Half of the movie or so has no dialogue. It tells its story through the camera lens and Burtynsky’s photographs. It is astonishing what we human beings have done to our world. As Burtynsky points out “We are changing this planet. We are changing the nature of this planet. We are changing the air, we are changing the water, we are changing the land. And that’s not just China, that’s the world at large.”

What’s fantastic about this movie is it doesn’t beat you over the head with a message. It simply shows you what the camera sees and lets you judge and consider what you are seeing. Manufactured Landscapes should be required viewing in schools. In my humble opinion there are at least two skills we skip over teaching kids. One is a thorough and well-rounded self-defense class which includes not only how to defend yourself physically but psychologically as well. The second is basic finance so you know how to set up a budget, invest intelligently, save money, and be frugal and neither cheap nor wasteful. This film would be a great tool in teaching the latter skill. An absolute must see.

Trapped in the Dark

November 22, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle. We have been in a blackout since ten o’clock PM on Tuesday November 20^th. My novelist and I have hot water as that runs on natural gas. This means my novelist can bathe in the luxury of warm water (not necessarily an activity I am keen on partaking of). But other than that, we’ve been sent directly into the 19^th century. My novelist made Starbuck’s instant coffee with running water as hot as she could get from the tap which was rather subpar from what I understand. I am more of a tea drinker, however, and chose to drink water. But we are literally running on daylight. And it is rather chilly. I was made to wear an argyle sweater. Don’t get me wrong, I adore argyle on walks. But I much prefer prancing about my home au naturel. We had to charge her phone with the TOPDON car charger to keep it alive. And if you have any kind of automobile and you do not have one of these, you must ask Santa Claus for one immediately. We did indeed take a couple of strolls outside and last night she read most of a Sherlock Holmes story to me on her Kindle which luckily still had quite a bit of charge on it as I curled up in a fluffy blanket and lay on her lap.

It is amazing how here in the Pacific Northwest they have not figured out to cut trees away from the powerlines. They are literally intermingled. This isn’t to say this is the only way to cause a power outage, but it is certainly a way. I appreciate how much Pacific Northwesterners adore their trees, but honestly, there should be some logic, I dare say common sense when dealing with these overgrown plants. Trees are lovely things until they turn on you. As an example, we had one fall on our car once. It completely totaled it. Imagine if someone had been in it. Took out the windshield completely. Rammed itself into the passenger’s seat. I am not exaggerating here. And we are not the only ones who fell prey to these vigilante acts. These tall Pinus and Genus Abies get testy sometimes and stage coups. It is terrifying.

That said, our power came back at ten forty this morning. My novelist and I will return next Thursday with a Stream of the Week. As I mentioned , I am taking a sabbatical from writing stories for the blog until Summer 2025 to assist my novelist in penning a novel. Until then, stay warm and make sure you have plenty of battery run lights. I bid you adieu.

Certified Sadistic Accountant Chapter Fifty: Final Chapter

November 15, 2024November 15, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce the fiftieth and final chapter of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. This has been an experiment almost a year in the making. And now it has reached its glorious end. If you are not aware, the idea of my blog stories is to write a story on the fly, chapter to chapter as opposed to creating the foundation of a story and doing the research that accompanies most novels. After today I will be taking a hiatus to assist my novelist in writing…a novel…the traditional way. I will continue to do my usual Thursday posts, and my novelist will continue to write her Stream of the Week. I anticipate returning to writing stories for the blog again in the Summer of 2025 and will keep you updated. Until then, I hope you enjoy my fiftieth and final chapter of Certified Sadistic Accountant. Jouir!

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Fifty

Curtis opened his eyes. He could see a carpet of green grass and his nose caught the smell of Easter lilies. He sat up and looked around and could see daffodils and tulips blooming in the nearby gardens. As he gazed further away, he saw a haze…maybe a mistiness across the field in the distance. Then he heard a jingle, a light metallic sound.

Out of the mist came a sight that gave him more relief than anything he’d ever seen. His little dog Haven with white satin bows in her hair ran towards him yipping frantically. When she reached him, she stood up on her hind legs and danced in front of him.

Curtis fell on his knees and scooped the little Yorkie runt into his arms. Her silky hair brushed against his cheek as he inhaled her clean scent that swirled in his mind like joy.

“Haven,” he said as warm rivers of tears streamed down his cheeks. “Haven, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you.”

Her small pink tongue flicked at his salty face as he stood up and carried her through the grass. He looked around and saw the mountains with white snowy caps. He could hear water flowing from a nearby fountain. He heard robins and blue jays and chickadees. He looked up into the cherry blossom trees and saw them flitting from branch to branch. He carried Haven over to the fountain, set her down, and sat down beside her. He kicked off his shoes so he could feel the grass on the soles of his feet.

He felt the sun on his face and closed his eyes. When he did, he heard a strange, distorted sound. His eyelids flew open, and the distorted sound stopped. His Cochlear nerve shifted, and the chorus of the birds and the falling water of the fountain once again filled his ears. He petted Haven and she laid her head in his lap. He looked across the rolling grass where brown bunnies hopped around and chased each other.

In the distance, something caught his eye. He studied it trying to make out what it was. It looked familiar but he was unsure. He reached out to his side and felt Haven’s leash curled beside him. He fastened it to Haven’s harness and started walking towards the object with his little dog leading the way. As he approached it, he realized it was a large ornate chair. As he moved around it, he found it was empty as if it were waiting for something or someone to sit on it. Haven trotted over, put her paws on the seat and stood on her hind legs wagging her tail and examining this odd piece of furniture.

“Haven, get down,” Curtis said.

Haven ignored him and hopped up in the seat and sat there wagging her tail.

“Come on. Let’s get down.”

Haven laid down on her stomach, put her head on her paws, and looked up at him with forlorn eyes.

“Cuteness will get you nowhere.”

Curtis reached over to lift her off the chair, but she hopped out of his hands and sat back down as if to say she wasn’t going anywhere. He sighed and sat down on the grass beside her. He closed his eyes and heard the strange, distorted sounds again. His eyes flew open, and the sounds stopped.

Bexley’s plane descended from the sky and landed on the tarmac at exactly 6:00am. She had her small carry-on under the seat in front of her and her larger carry-on with wheels in the bin above. She was sitting in front, and she knew as soon as first class got off the plane she would be inside the airport in no time. Although it was a short flight, she managed to sleep most of the way. The plane had less passengers on it than she’d anticipated.

She looked out the window as the jet’s wheels coasted to a stop. She took her ear plugs out of her ears, reached down and retrieved her small carry-on bag. She stood up, set it on her seat, stepped out into the aisle, grabbed her larger carry-on from the bin above her, and set it on the ground. This was no small task as the carry-on was weighed down with souvenirs she had picked up while in Palm Springs. She stood there waiting for the first-class passengers to disembark. Then she slipped the strap of the small carry-on over her shoulder and dragged her matching larger carry-on behind her as she headed to the front of the plane where she said goodbye to the flight attendants and the vaguely sleezy-looking pilots. She traversed down the jet bridge and arrived at the small airport.

As she headed out the sliding glass doors and stood outside waiting for her shuttle to arrive, she realized how much colder it was here than Palm Springs. Not as cold as winter, but there was a misty rain, and the sky was a somber shade of grey. She regretted giving her phone number to that tall guy who always wore his baseball hat backwards and sported sleeveless white t-shirts with that California microbrew insignia on the back. She also shouldn’t have given her number to that bodybuilder who was always sticking a bottle cap between his thumb and forefinger and snapping it trying to determine how far it would sail through the air. And she never should have given her number to that annoying short guy with the nasal voice who kept following her all around the beach. Note to self: change phone number today.

Bexley was surprised at how empty the shuttle was when she boarded it. The only other passenger was a young woman her own age. The woman had bleach blonde frosted curls, a light tan, and sported an anklet that looked like a friendship bracelet and three gold hoops in each ear. When the young woman sat down, she turned to Bexley and said, “Heading back for Spring Quarter?”

Bexley studied the woman a moment and said, “Something like that.”

“I’m going to end up going Summer Quarter this year too.”

“That sucks.”

“Tell me about it. I had to drop a couple classes this year, so I need to make them up somehow, right?”

Bexley shrugged. “What are you going to do?”

“I know, right?”

The shuttle pulled into a place called The Coconut Express where both women had parked their cars. Bexley and the woman didn’t say anything else to each other. They just got off the shuttle, retrieved their bags, and tipped the driver. Bexley headed to her lime green Fiat, stuck her carry-ons in the trunk and climbed into the driver’s seat. She headed out to the freeway en route to the Dupree Tax Agency before she got off at the second exit.

She drove up to a bikini barista coffee stand called Kitty Cat Cappuccino. She’d worked at one outside of town a few years ago before getting a receptionist job. In truth, with tips she’d made more slinging coffee than she made answering phones. But she’d gotten tired of the clientele. One guy who’d really irritated her was, ironically, not some dude who drove an oversized pickup truck blasting Blake Shelton and Jelly Roll but rather a respectable lawyer in a Tesla who was fond of single-breasted suits and two-hundred-dollar haircuts. He had an annoying habit of reaching out of his car window, pinching the side of her bikini bottoms and snapping them back.

After a week of putting up with his shenanigans, she went to HotSauceRUs.com and purchased a small bottle of Da Bomb Evolution hot sauce. If you are not familiar with Da Bomb Evolution hot sauce it only requires a few drops to be brutal. When Mr. Tesla unassumingly drove up to the window of Kitty Cat Cappuccino, reached out and predictably snapped her bikini bottoms, Bexley had turned and smiled at him as she handed him his triple iced mocha. Turns out, Mr. Tesla’s mocha was not as iced as he thought that day as it contained no less than fifteen drops of Da Bomb Evolution which, as you may have guessed dear reader, blew his mind. He crashed his car into a stop sign, and after a 911 call made by a volunteer at a local women’s shelter, the drink landed him in the emergency room.

After tipping the barista a proper twenty percent, Bexley drove back onto the freeway and headed for the Dupree Tax Agency. At precisely seven fifty-five AM, she parked her lime green Fiat in the back parking lot of the Dupree Tax Agency, hopped out of her car, and headed to the front door with her keys.

“I’m back, she said tromping I in her black Birkenstocks she’d worn on the plane and her black summer cashmere t-shirt and charcoal colored Lucky Brand jeans with the Treasure and Bond black leather belt with the large gold tone oval buckle. She was greeted with the unexpected sound of silence. As she looked around she found the office to be vacant. She stepped up and set her drink from Kitty Cat Cappucino on the receptionist desk and wandered into the break room. Everything looked organized and in its place. She headed back out into the office area but still no one was at their desk. “Hello? Is anyone here? Hello?”

Suddenly, the door to Mr. Dupree’s office opened and Bexley heard whimpering. There was a light scuffling sound and then Mr. Dupree stepped outside his office and started descending the stairs. When he saw Bexley he said, “Looks like you’re back from vacation. And you got a little sun, I see.”

Bexley looked past him and saw Fia descending the stairs. In her arms she held a tiny Yorkshire Terrier puppy. The dog appeared to be a runt and had a bright red bow tied in its hair between its ears. “Is that yours, Fia?”

Fia looked at Bexley and her eyes widened. “It’s a gift,” she said.

“For whom?”

“I’m glad you’re back, Bexley,” Mr. Dupree said.

“Thank you, Dallas.” Bexley looked around at the empty office. “So…what did I miss?”

MY BOOKS

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE DIG (2021)-NETFLIX**

This Netflix original is a wonderful period piece about a widowed woman and her young son on the eve of WWII. It is well-directed by Simon Stone with a screenplay by Moira Buffini based on the novel of the same name by John Preston.

Edith Pretty (Carrie Mulligan) lives on a large estate in Sutton Hoo she and her deceased husband purchased that may be a site for an archeological excavation due to the large burial mounds on the property. Edith hires excavator and self-taught archeologist Basil Brown (Ralph Fiennes) to see what he can dig up there. Basil is hesitant at first because Edith is not able to pay him a large enough wage to cover his costs, but through the persistence of Edith’s young son Robert Pretty (Archie Barnes) and Edith’s offer to pay him a larger sum, he decides to give it a try.

After digging for a while Basil finds iron rivets which he believes may be from a ship that could date back to the Anglo Saxons and not the Vikings. Edith has the museum experts come in and they doubt Robert’s findings as such ships would be very old. Edith insists Basil continue leading the excavation and her cousin Rory Lomax (Johnny Flynn) is brought in to assist Basil. News of the dig reaches Cambridge archaeologist Charles Philips (Ken Stott) who declares the dig to be of national importance after Basil and Rory believe they have found a ship. Philips calls in the Office of Works to take over and brings in a larger team including newlyweds Stuart Ernest Piggott (Ben Chaplin) and Peggy Piggott (Lily James).

Certified Sadistic Accountant Chapter Forty-Nine

November 7, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter forty-nine of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. Yesterday my novelist went and got her Covid shot, and her Flu shot she has been quite tired today. I asked her to assist me with my intro and she snored. She is most difficult when she is groggy. I am surprised she was even able to get my drinking water changed this morning. She really should take my needs into consideration when she gets inoculated. Her sleepiness is most disrupting to my life. Especially since I have a garden party with Bernard this afternoon. I have become quite a celebrity with Bernard and the other bunnies as a fairytale writer. In the late afternoons we sit out on the grass and all the bunnies gather round and I tell them fairy tales. They are especially fond of the one about the troll that lives in the abandoned tree house. Every night the troll climbs down from his tree house to hunt squirrels although the local squirrels led by Sergio dismiss this idea as fiction. That said I am desperate to finish up here so I can go be admired by the local wildlife. And so, I will wrap it up here and quickly introduce chapter forty-nine of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant.

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Forty-Nine

After Fia secured the door to the attic, she hurried down the stairs and burst outside. She spotted Grady’s minivan and headed towards the driver’s door. Someone came out of the van and ran for the garage. Hanging back in the shadows, she watched the figure open the garage door and hurry inside. Fia ran for the van, peered into the window, and saw Curtis slumping over in the passenger’s seat. She tried to open the passenger side door, but it was locked.

“Curtis!” she yelled pounding on the window. But he was not moving. She tried pulling on the van’s side door, but it too was locked. She ran to the driver’s side door and tried to open it, but to no avail. “Curtis!” she yelled again, pounding on the windshield. But Curtis remained motionless.

Fia turned to see the figure who’d run into the garage start to pull Curtis’s Aunt Odette’s Vespa out of the garage. Fia snuck through the shadows searching around the ground as she went for something to use as a weapon. Suddenly, she spotted an old-discarded wooden rake and slowly picked it up. She moved towards the side of the garage.

The figure revved the Vespa’s engine. Fia got into position holding the rake like a baseball bat. Her heart pounded as she waited for her opportunity. The figure coasted the scooter forwards and as she did Fia swung. The end of the rake hit the driver square in the face causing her to fall off the vehicle. Fia proceeded to whack the passenger several times. “Where’s the key’s to the van?” she demanded.

“Stop hitting me!” Makenna shouted back. She reached out and grabbed the rake’s handle pulling Fia down to the ground. The two women grappled for control.

“Give me the keys he’s not moving!”

“I don’t have the keys!”

“What do you mean you don’t have the keys?”

“I jammed them into him.”

“What? Why?”

“Because he wouldn’t shut up.”

“He’s dying in there.”

“I have a Vespa to ride.”

Makenna pulled the rake out of Fia’s hands and swung it at Fia’s head. Fia rolled out of the way and hopped to her feet. She reached for the rake, but Makenna jabbed the pole’s end at her. Fia stumbled back.

“We’ve got to get him out of there, Makenna!”

“He can rot in there for all I care.”

“What did you do to him?”

“Nothing.”

Makenna jabbed the rake at Fia again. Fia jumped back and realized the only way to help Curtis was to let Makenna escape. “Go ahead and take the Vespa.”

Makenna backed up towards the scooter, her weapon ready to jab again. Fia stood and watched her. Makenna, rake still in hand hopped on, revved the engine and took off. As she was peeling out of the driveway, Fia ran to the minivan and peered into the passenger side window. “Curtis! Curtis, open the door!”

Curtis remained slumped over and motionless against the passenger side door. Fia pulled her phone out of her back pocket and dialed 911.

“911,” a female operator said. “What is your emergency?”

“My friend has passed out in a van, and he isn’t moving,” Fia said.

“Is he sleeping?”

“No, I can’t wake him up.”

“Are you in the van with him?”

“No, I’m locked outside.”

“What is your location?”

“I’m at 1800 Big Lake Drive.”

“Is the van parked in the front or the back of the residence?”

“It’s in the front facing the road.”

“I’m dispatching a unit out there right now. They should be there in five minutes.”

“Please tell them to hurry. I’m not sure what happened to him, but I think he may have been assaulted.”

“Did you see someone suspicious around who may have attacked him?”

“Yes.”

“Can you describe them?”

“When are the emergency responders supposed to get here?”

“In a couple of minutes.”

Fia peered into the passenger side window. “He’s not moving.”

“Alright I’ll stay on the line until they get there.”

Just then Fia heard sirens wailing in the distance. “I think they’re on their way.”

The blue and red flashing lights of the police prowlers came racing down the road and spun into the driveway. Fia saw the lights of neighbor’s houses flip on. The officers got out of their car just as the siren of an ambulance came into earshot. The ambulance whipped around the corner and plowed into the front yard of Aunt Odette’s house.

This was followed by the sound of a fire engine screaming from the opposite direction. The red leviathan snaked its way into the driveway and pulled up beside the ambulance. Two firefighters jumped off the truck. One of them was wielding an axe. He ran up beside Fia. “Which side is he on?”

“The passenger’s side,” she said.

The fireman ran over to the minivan, lifted his axe and smashed it into the driver’s side window sending shards of glass everywhere. He reared the axe back and struck the window again. Then he reached in and unlocked the driver’s side door.

His partner leaned across the seat, grabbed Curtis and dragged him out of the van. “Looks like we’ve got a bleeder here!”

MY BOOKS

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: AMERICAN FICTION (2023)-PRIME VIDEO**

This week’s pick was last year’s winner of the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. And although I would have picked The Holdovers in this category, this is a fantastic script well worthy of the prize. The film was written and directed by Oscar winner Cord Jefferson based on the novel Erasure by Percival Everett. It’s the story of a professor and novelist who strives his entire life to write profound literature. And he is successful at it except for one thing: his books are not best sellers.

Thelonious ‘Monk’ Ellison (brilliantly and drolly played by Academy Award Nominee Jeffery Wright) is a literature professor living in Los Angeles who wants to be a great author. He does not want to be seen as a great author because he is African American, he wants to be seen as a great author because his books are outstanding. He gets irritated when bookstores put his works in the African American Studies section instead of the Literature section. He gets frustrated with his family because his siblings Lisa (Tracee Ellis Ross) and his brother Clifford (Sterling K. Brown) are both doctors and praised for their intelligence while he is ignored. Especially by his mother Agnes (Leslie Uggams) who has Alzheimer’s disease and touts Clifford as a genius despite his hedonistic lifestyle.

When Monk’s university puts him on leave over verbal conflicts with students, he travels out to see his family at his mom and dad’s summer home in Boston. While there, Monk meets next-door neighbor and lawyer Coraline (Erika Alexander). He attends a seminar where a first time author he despises named Sinatra Golden (Issa Rae) published a successful novel called We’s Lives in Da Ghetto chock full of black stereotypes.And then tragedy strikes.

Nearing his wit’s end, Monk sits down one night and pens a satirical melodramatic novel about the black experience. He takes it into his agent Arthur (John Ortiz) and says it was written as a joke, but Arthur sends the book out anyway under the pseudonym Stagg R. Leigh causing all sorts of pandemonium for Monk.

Certified Sadistic Accountant Chapter Forty-Eight

October 31, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Happy Halloween! It is I Gigi the parti poodle to wish you all sorts of spooky joy and to introduce the forty-eighth chapter of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. Today we are preparing for the trick or treaters. While my novelist gathers goodies to spoil the little moppets with, I too am preparing for this annual festival. I am lying on my back and practicing my breathing. I have a tuning fork and metronome for which I am timing out my bark. I have trotted around our abode to make certain my endurance is strong. I have practiced running to the door and back to memorize my path. What would Halloween be to these costumed munchkins if there was not a poodle to bark at them viciously when they come knocking on the door and holding their bags out for treats? It is my civic duty to make certain they are properly threatened by all six pounds of me. And I mean all six pounds. I’d love to stay and chat more, but I need to get to my calisthenics before dark. And with that thought here is Chapter Forty-Eight of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. Have a bewitching Halloween!

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Forty-Eight

Makenna climbed into the minivan and stuck the keys she’d stolen from Grady’s jacket pocket while the accountants were fumbling around in the dark into the ignition.

“Going somewhere?”

Makenna turned to find Curtis sitting in the passenger seat. She scowled. “Why aren’t you inside?”

“Did you see me go inside?”

“I saw you turn off the road into the driveway.”

“Right about now I’ll bet Grady, Irwin and Lance are all locked in the attic. Little theatrics go a long way.”

“You kidnapped Fia.”

“You and Lance broke into my house and killed my dog.”

“We didn’t kill your dog—”

“You chased her outside and she ran into the street. None of that would have happened if you hadn’t broken into my house.”

Makenna scoffed. “You’re cracked.”

“I have tapes that clearly show Lance spray painting my surveillance camera lens.”

“I’m not Lance’s keeper.”

“There’s more footage of you and Lance running out of the house and chasing Haven into the street.”

“You kidnapped Fia. I know that’s why you didn’t show up on the day of the sting.”

“I was working on a client’s tax forms and lost track of time.”

“That’s a flimsy alibi, Cook. And clearly this house you have here has an attic.”

“A lot of houses have attics.”

“You kept Fia in yours. Or maybe she chose to be there.” Makenna smiled at him with the kind of smile a crocodile might use if it were human. “Maybe she has Stockholm Syndrome.”

“If I’d kidnapped Fia I’d be behind bars right now.”

“Oh, you kidnapped her or faked a kidnapping all right. Otherwise, you would have gone to the police right away with this film footage you claim to have of Lance and me. But you didn’t, which means you’re either guilty or stupid. And I know you’re not stupid.”

“I’m going to turn it in to the police.”

“I’ll bet up in the attic where that music was coming from your little bohemian sweetheart was helping you. The other accountants may have easily been led astray, but I was not. That’s why they’re in there and I’m out here.”

“You had no right to hurt Haven, Makenna”

“Will you shut up about that stupid pocket rat. You’re obsessed with that dead furball. It’s like watching an Alfred Hitchcock film about someone obsessing about a dead woman. Except in your case, it’s a dead dog. I feel sorry for you, Cook. You don’t even have a real human being to care about. All you have are other people’s taxes and a canine to mourn. Your priorities are tilted. A dog is nothing except a bedwarmer or something to dry your hands on. Snap out of it already. Get a life. Buy an iguana. I did.”

“Why did you kill Haven, Makenna. Wasn’t it enough you and Lance and Grady all won the tax season award?”

Makenna scoffed. “Is that what this is all about? You never got to wear a sash across your swimsuit? The only reason you’ve never won is—”

“Is what?”

A strange look crossed Makenna’s face. “Are you recording this conversation?”

“Recording?”

“You are, aren’t you. You’re trying to get a confession out of me. Well, confess this. You kidnapped Fia or conspired with her to stage her kidnapping. Either way you’re going to prison. Now get out of my van.”

“This is Grady’s van.”

“Not anymore.”

“Why’d you kill my dog, Makenna?”

“Did you not hear a single insult I’ve slung at you? Get out of this van right now or I will be forced to use duress.”

“Why’d you kill my dog?”

“I didn’t kill your dog.”

“Why’d you take Haven from me?”

“Shut up and get out of my van.”

“Why did you take Haven from me?”

Makenna grabbed the keys and pulled them out of the ignition. She looked at Curtis with the darkest pools of evil he’d ever seen as she rolled down the window. “Help!” she yelled. “Help me, I’m being attacked!”

“Why, Makenna?”

“Help!”

“Why’d you kill my dog?”

“Help!” Makenna yelled as she took the car keys and jammed them into Curtis’s stomach.

MY BOOKS

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: ALIEN (1979) HULU**

As this is Halloween, I decided to go with something traditional and superb. And one with an interesting story behind it. Basically, two writers Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett were down on their luck. O’Bannon was sleeping on couches and floors of friends after he was writing the screenplay for the original incarnation of the film Dune where the director Alejandro Jodorowsky was going to make the film. But when that fell through O’Bannon became broke and disillusioned. He found himself sleeping on Shusett’s couch one night and the two who were science fiction aficionados began writing the short story for Alien. You can read about the rest of their screenwriting collaboration here.

If you have never seen this classic sci-fi horror movie it goes like this: A spaceship named Nostromo has a seven-person crew comprised of Captain Dallas (Tom Skerrit), Executive Officer Kane (John Hurt), Warrant Officer Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), Navigator Lambert (Veronica Cartwright), Science Officer Ash (Ian Holm), and engineers Parker (Yaphet Kotto) and Brett (Harry Dean Stanton). They are on their way back to earth when the ship’s computer, aptly named Mother, receives a signal from a nearby planet. As it is the job of the crew to investigate any planets for possible alien life forms, they decide to go down and investigate. Warrant Officer Ripley, the story’s voice of reason, suspects this might be a warning and has no desire to go down to the planet and risk the safety of the crew. But she loses the decision.

Captain Dallas, Navigator Lambert, and Executive Officer Kane head down and whilst there, Executive Officer Kane stumbles across a chamber of what appears to be large eggs. When he reaches out to touch one, a spiderlike creature breaks out of the shell, hurls itself at him, breaks through his helmet and imbeds itself into his face. Captain Dallas and Navigator Lambert find him and carry him back to board the ship. But Warrant Officer Ripley doees not want them to enter. She thinks Executive Officer Kane may bring a contaminant on board that could harm the rest of the crew and compromise the ship. However, Science Officer Ash insists on opening the pod bay doors as it were and Captain Dallas and Navigator Lambert carry the attacked Executive Officer Kane on board. If you have never seen the movie, telling you more than that is just wrong. Except perhaps to say that Dan O’Bannon and Ronald Shusett may have had some serious mommy issues.

Certified Sadistic Accountant Chapter Forty-Seven

October 24, 2024 ~ gigicatchesair ~ Leave a comment

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter forty-seven of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. This week was calmer than last. I am looking forward to Halloween. I love to bark at the little munchkins who come to my door asking for treats. Being a Canis lupus familiaris I am aware of the importance of treats. And I sympathize profoundly with those who must dress in absurd clothing and go door to door asking for them. As a poodle I am frequently asked to do tricks for my treats. I find this most vulgar. I either must turn around in a circle or sit up or lie down or shake my novelist’s hand. Dreadful humiliation all of it. I should make my novelist do these inane acts for the treats I give her like keeping her on schedule, complimenting her on her writing, and telling her how to drive. She should demonstrate appreciation for my input. I have no idea where she would be without my suggestions. I will say she does not force me to dress as a hotdog or a ballerina for the upcoming holiday. She knows better than that. Although I am occasionally required to wear a Darth Vader hoodie when we go walking in colder weather. And with that thought, here is chapter forty-seven of Certified Sadistic Accountant. Oidhche Shamhna Shona Dhuit!

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Forty-Seven

Lance rang the doorbell. “Cook? Cook? Hey, Cook?”

“We know you’re in there,” Irwin said.

“Why do people say, “I know you’re in there”? Like the person who’s in there doesn’t know the person who’s out there knows they’re in there.”

“Just try and open the door and see if he left it unlocked,” Grady said.

“What if its boobie trapped?” Irwin said.

“I’m not going to tell you to shut up again, Irwin,” Lance said. “Next time I’m just going to put my foot in your ass.”

Grady marched between the two men, opened the screen door and grabbed the doorknob. He turned it and it opened. “Told you.”

“It’s a trap,” Makenna said.

“Yeah, well, we’re going in.” Grady pushed the door open, and Lance and Irwin headed inside. Grady turned and looked at Makenna. Makenna looked at him then at the door. “Get in here.”

Makenna crossed her arms and eyeballed him. Then she followed him inside.

“This place has weird furniture,” Lance said walking over and sprawling on the lips couch. “Not as comfortable as I would have guessed.”

“Cook,” Grady yelled. “We know what you did. Come out here and let’s talk. We saw you drive here. We know you’re trying to make it look like we kidnapped Dupree’s daughter.” The four accountants waited for an answer but all they got was silence.

“He’s hiding,” Lance said.

Makenna stepped up to him. “Let’s get out of here.”

“No.”

“You’re a fool.” Makenna turned and headed for the door.

Lance rushed over and blocked her. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“Did you hear that?” Irwin said.

“I didn’t hear anything—”

“Shh. Everyone shut up and listen.”

“It’s coming from upstairs.”

All the accountants except Makenna headed for the staircase.

“It’s a trap,” she said.

“Cook!” Lance yelled.

Makenna sided up to Grady. “You’re a smart guy. Let’s leave.”

“We’re all going up there, Makenna,” he said.

“Don’t do this.”

“Get going.”

Makenna narrowed her eyes and filed behind Grady. The four accountants headed up the steps. When they reached the second floor, they realized it was dark.

“This place creeps me out,” Irwin said.

“Cook!” Lance yelled down the hallway. But there was no answer. He cocked his head. “Did the music just stop?”

Everyone stopped and listened.

“No, no. I hear it again. Where is that coming from?”

“I think its one floor up,” Grady said. “Let’s go.” The motley crew headed up the stairs to the third floor which was even darker than the last. “There’s got to be a wall switch here somewhere.”

The accountants felt along the walls. “Here it is,” Lance said and flipped the switch. But the lights didn’t go on. “Great. Cook killed the electricity.

“Come on, Cook,” Grady yelled. “We just want to talk to you, man.”

“The music’s getting louder.”

“Maybe it’s because we’re closer to it,” Irwin said.

“I think it’s coming from over there,” Lance said pointing towards the attic door.

“Let’s head towards it and see what’s going on,” Grady said. The accountants headed in the direction of the attic. “This is it alright.” He reached out and felt around the surface of the door and found the knob. He turned it and pushed it open. The inside was as dark as the hallway except for the center of the room. It was lit up like a stage.

“Cook!” Lance called out.

The music stopped. After a beat a moody saxophone jazz started up. The accountants crept towards the lighted middle of the room. Standing there was a mannequin with long feathery red hair wearing a 70’s era disco gown. The gown had crystal beads on it that sparkled in the light.

“Weird,” Lance said.

Soap bubbles started to rise from the back of the figure.

“Weirder,” Irving said.

“Cook,” Grady called out. “Stop with the freakishness and come out here. We want to talk about Fia’s kidnapping and get to the bottom of this whole mess.”

“Look!”

Grady and Lance turned to look at what Irving was pointing to. A large bear had suddenly flopped over the mannequin. It waved its hand at them.

“Cook!” Grady yelled and walked around to the other side, but he found no one.

“Makenna’s right,” Lance said. Let’s just leave. Makenna? Makenna? Where’s Makenna?”

The three of them looked at each other and then around the space. Then they rushed towards the door.

“It’s locked,” Grady said attempting to turn the knob. “Makenna!”

Just then the three of them heard a motor revving up.”

“She’s stealing my minivan!” Grady said.

MY BOOKS

**STREAM OF THE WEEK: MARATHON MAN (1976)-SHOWTIME, PARAMOUNT+**

Is it safe? A question that will ring in your ears for days after watching this taunt, tense thriller that keeps its audience on the edge of its seat all the way until its final scene. This is not a traditional Halloween movie, as most Halloween movies these days seem to be squarely in the horror genre. But it is a fantastic study in suspense and a unique kind of cold-blooded terror. The picture is directed by John Schlesinger and written by William Golden based on his book of the same name.

Thomas “Babe” Levy (Dustin Hoffman) is a graduate student at Columbia University working on his post graduate history thesis. He is trying to help clear his father’s name. His father’s career was ruined by scandal involving the McCarthy hearings which caused Babe’s father to commit suicide. Babe is also an aspiring marathon runner who idolizes Jesse Owens and runs every day trying to beat his time. One day while studying at the library he meets another student Elsa Opal (Marthe Keller) who he believes is Swiss and falls in love with her.

Meanwhile in Paris, a CIA agent named Henry “Doc” Levy (Roy Scheider) realizes he and his fellow agents have become targets for an assassin. Doc is one of those guys with a particular set of skills. He confides in his friend, fellow agent Janeway (William Devane) about his concerns, especially after an assassin breaks into his hotel room.

And elsewhere, down in Paraguay a former Nazi and dentist named Dr. Christian Szell (Lawrence Olivier) also known as the “White Angel of Auschwitz” finds he must come out of hiding to protect his fortune after his brother is killed in a car accident in NYC.

How these three stories fit together is the premise for a genuinely disturbing story produced by The Kid Stays in the Picture himself, Robert Evans.