Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter twenty of my story Catzilla. The Maltese has been driving me mad. Long ago my novelist taught him to speak. This may have been one of her worst decisions to date. Lately he’s been barking more than usual. He likes to hear his own woof. It is most annoying. I wish he would quiet down but he’s having such fun driving the rest of us insane. When my novelist talks too much, I simply put my paw on her mouth to stop the infernal noise. She has the sense to cease talking. The Maltese, on the other hand, does not. But I have come up with a plan. As much as he likes to bark, he likes to sleep and so, I have located an old pocket recorder which I turn on when he barks so I can tape him. Tonight, after he has fallen asleep, I am going to give him a taste of his own torment. I’m going to place the recorder right by his bed near his ear. Take that, wretched mongrel! See how you like being awoken from your precious slumber by the sound of infernal barking! And with that thought, here is chapter twenty of Catzilla.  

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Twenty

Lyle and I hopped in the cabin of the flatbed and my mom slowly backed out. As she did the kitten’s paws dragged along the asphalt.

“Mom, this isn’t going to work,” I said.

My mom looked in the rearview mirror and nodded. “You’re right,” she said. “We need to reposition the cat.”

“We could rope its paws to the top of the truck,” Lyle said.

“We’re going to need those football players to help us,” my mom said and shut off the engine, opened the door, and climbed out of the cabin. She ran out and waved down the pickup truck Buckly was driving.

Buckley rolled down the window and asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Gagnon?”

“We can’t drive away with the cat’s front paws dragging along the road.”

“That thing’s a killer. Who cares what happens to its paws?”

“You have a point, Buckly. But it’s inhumane. We need to tie the cat’s paws up and take a chance on restoring it to its normal size. I need you four boys to help us do this before it wakes up.”

“What are we going to use?”

“There’s rope in the cabin. It should be enough for you guys to pull it off.”

Buckley rolled his eyes. “Let’s just get it done.”

He shut off the engine and the other three football players reluctantly climbed out of the pickup. Mom opened the door of the flatbed and handed them the rope.

“If this thing wakes up,” Silas said, “all bets are off.”

“Agreed,” my mom said. Then she sided up to the driver’s side window. “Lyle, come out here. I need you to watch the cat while the boys tie her paws.”

“Yes, Mrs. Gagnon,” Lyle said.

Lyle disembarked the truck, and I watched in the rear-view mirror as he walked over and stood in front of the cat, studying it intensely. My mom climbed back inside and shut the door. The four football players climbed onto the flatbed, and secured the ropes to hooks on the roof of the cabin. Then Silas and Toby got on either side of the kitten’s right paw and attempted to lift it as if it were a big furry alligator. They made a loop with the rope, slipped the paw through, anchored it, and cinched it allowing the paw to hang out like a diving board.

Buckly and the fourth football player whose name was Devin, passed by the kitten’s upside-down head, secured their rope to the roof of the cabin, made a loop and were just about to stick the left paw through it when Lyle said, “Hold it.” The four football players looked to find the kitten had opened its eyes and was staring at Lyle.

“Mom,” I whispered as I was looking through the window at the back of the cabin. “I think the kitten’s regaining consciousness.”

My mom looked at the cat and whispered back, “It’s probably still under.”

Then I heard a distorted version of that unmistakable hiss. “Lyle needs help.”

My mom heard it too. She disembarked the truck and hurried over beside Lyle. She whispered something to him. Lyle took a step towards the kitten, and I craned my neck to see what it was, but I was unable to get a good look. The hissing became erratic, then softer, and then tapered off. I watched as Buckley and Devon threaded the kitten’s left paw through the looped rope, anchored it, and cinched it. Lyle hurried in front of the truck and climbed back inside the cabin next to me.

“Buckle up,” my mom said. “We’re heading to Steeling Cars Auto Maintenance.”

My mom pulled up beside the Steeling Cars Auto Maintenance sign while Buckly and the other football players pulled up behind her. “Stay here,” she told Lyle and I before disembarking the truck. She headed up to the entrance of the garage and banged on the door. “Mr. McQuoid! Mr. McQuoid!”

A guy in grey greasy overalls rounded the corner wiping his hands on a dirty towel. He looked at my mother and said, “I take it you’re the lady from the school dance with the toolshed sized cat.”

“That’s correct.”

“Wow,” Aero McQuoid said walking up to the side of the flatbed where the sleeping kitten lay sprawled with its paws tied to the top of the truck and its head turned upside down. “It looks dead.”

“No, it’s breathing.”

Aero took a closer look, “You’re right it is. So, you want to cage up this thing in the pole building over there, huh?”

My mom looked in the direction his oil-stained finger was pointing. “Yes. I think that will work splendidly.”

“So how do you want to do this?”

“I was hoping to drive the truck in and have the boys in the pickup behind me untie the cat and help slide it onto the floor and get out.”

“Uh, huh. How long do you think that thing will stay passed out?”

“Difficult to say. I gave her a solid dose and a backup but with a cat that large its hard telling when it will wear off.”

“Well, I don’t want to be around when that thing wakes up. I’ll go open the doors for you and you can drive in.”

Aero strolled towards the pole building and mom motioned for Buckly and the other football players to follow her. She hopped back into the cabin and drove up to the pole building entrance. Aero pushed in a code on the side of the building and the large door began to rise. As it did two oversized rottweilers trotted out and sat down in front of the building on either side of the entrance as if they were stone lions. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Buckly get out of the pickup. As soon as he did, the rottweilers began growling and baring their teeth. They rose to their paws ready to pounce.

“Fritz, Gavin!” Aero snapped. “Sit!”

The two dogs begrudgingly sat back down on their haunches. But their eyes never left Buckly. I watched Buckly slowly get back into the pickup and follow my mother as she drove the flatbed into the pole building. She shut off the engine, rolled down her window and asked, “How are we supposed to unload this cat with your two guard dogs sitting there ready to pounce?”

“Fritz and Gavin?”

“Yes, Fritz and Gavin.”

“I’ll have them stand outside the door and guard the place. They’re well trained.”

“You’re sure they won’t attack?”

“Totally.”

Mom looked skeptically at the two rottweilers.

“I don’t trust your dogs, man,” Buckly called from the pickup.

“Kid, I just told the lady here they won’t attack.”

“They growled at me.”

“They’re excellent judges of character.”

“I’ll get out first, Buckly,” my mom said. She opened the truck door. The two rottweilers studied her but remained seated. My mom motioned for Buckly and the other three football players to come over. She stuck her head back in the window and said, “We’re going to need your help too.”

Lyle and I got out of the truck and walked around to the side where the football players were standing.

“We’re going to slide it off the flatbed,” my mom said.

“How?” Devin asked.

“Mr. McQuoid has a forklift over there which will make things easier. You boys will untie the ropes. Mr. McQuoid will slide the forklift under the cat. Briar will watch to make sure the cat does not wake up. Lyle will deal with the cat if it wakes up.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Lyle knows what it means and that’s what matters. Now, let’s get started.”

Buckly, Devon, Silas, and Toby all climbed up on the flatbed. The kitten let out a huge snore and all four boys jumped back.

“Easy,” my mom said.

Silas and Toby got on either side of the kitten’s right paw. Buckly and Devon carefully unhitched the rope as Silas and Toby carefully loosened the loop and slipped it off the kitten’s paw. Silas and Toby moved over to the kitten’s left paw as Buckly and Devon loosened the remaining ropes from the top of the truck’s cabin. Silas and Toby slowly lowered the paw down.

Mr. McQuoid started driving the forklift over to the cat. “Alright, boys,” he told the football players. “I’m going to take it from here.”

Aero drove the forklift around to the back of the truck. He lifted the fork to meet the height of the kitten. Lyle and I, our eyes still on the kitten’s face, took a step back as Aero began to side the fork under the feline’s underbelly. The kitten began to rise. My mother put the truck into neutral and began to slowly roll it forwards. The kitten suspended in the air slumped over the front of the fork so Lyle and I could no longer see its face. Aero shifted gears and began to lower the kitten to the ground.

Suddenly, Lyle grabbed my arm. Then I saw the cat lift its head and bore its emerald-green eyes into ours. It hissed like a giant cobra and swatted its paw causing it to slip forwards on the forklift. Whump! It landed on its feet hissing loudly staring Lyle and I down.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: RESERVOIR DOGS (1992)-NETFLIX

It occurs to me sometimes that I assume everyone has seen a lot of great films. And that may not be so. Especially with the saturation of superhero movies and the peculiar idea that said films have depth, are art, and are not just overhyped entertainment. But for the most part they don’t have depth, are anything but art, and are primarily designed for franchising and merchandising. And so, this week I thought I would recommend a film that everyone should see, has truly great writing and direction, and says something more profound about the human condition.

Quintin Tarantino films tend to have two basic elements. One is they are about honor. Two is they are about logic. This is a film that pits one against the other in a brilliant exploration of honor amongst thieves. The story on the surface is basic: a jewelry store robbery has gone wrong. The post robbery meeting place is a warehouse. After the botched job those who didn’t get killed show up to figure out if they’ve been set up and if so by whom. But at its core it’s about each character’s vantage point, their personal values, and how those two elements determine if they will survive.

Six criminals are hired by a father and son. The father is Joe Cabot (Lawrence Tierney) the son goes by the name Nice Guy Eddie (Chris Penn). The thugs they hire know nothing about each other and are given fake names by Joe. The aged veteran is Mr. White (Harvey Keitel), the resident psychopath is Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen) the rookie is Mr. Orange (Tim Roth), the man on the brink of retirement is Mr. Blue (Edward Bunker), the conspiracy theorist is Mr. Brown (Quintin Tarantino himself), and the cynic is Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi).

After an unplanned shootout occurs at the jewelry store, police show up and civilians and two of the criminals are killed. Two of the survivors arrive at the warehouse first. One of them has been shot in the stomach and is in dire need of medical care. A third criminal shows up with the bag of diamonds and a fourth shows up with a surprise in his trunk. The men debate as to if they have been set up, if there is a mole amongst them, if the rendezvous location is safe, and if Joe and Nice Guy Eddy are coming or if they are waiting for Godot. The story is told in the present and well-designed flashbacks which give us insight into who each of these men are and all the performances are first rate. This is a must-see piece of masterful modern filmmaking.

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to bring you chapter nineteen of my story Catzilla. The time is drawing near when I must wind down to the last few chapters of my story and choose a whole new tale to pen. This is more difficult than it seems. Do I go with drama or comedy? Do I attempt a mystery, a love story, fantasy, or science fiction? Do I write a tale about humans or animals or both? I must say, the pressure is keeping me awake at night. I often hop off the bed, step on the Maltese just to interrupt his slumber, and pace about the room. The moonlight illuminates my gorgeous two-toned hair. I make a cup of tea and sit in the rocking chair and peruse my list of log lines to see which one I like the best. I gaze outside at the stars and ponder my next chess move. How shall I best entertain my readers? You’ll have to tune in to find out. But for now, here is chapter nineteen of Catzilla.

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Nineteen

Four football players who were attending the dance offered to carry the refreshments table out to the flatbed truck my mother had driven out of the old bus garage. She parked by the back door on the opposite side of the gym.

Before they carried out the table I suggested, “You should take the liquids off it. It would be lighter that way.” The football players looked at me like I was stupid and tried to carry it with the drinks on it anyway. Then they set it down.

“I think she’s right,” the smallest of them said. I think he was the kicker.

“Don’t be a pussy, Toby,” one of the other guys said. He looked like a linebacker.

“But it’s heavy, bro.”

They picked it up again and tried to carry I again and again they ended up setting it down. “I hate it with Toby’s right,” the linebacker said. “Let’s just try it again.”

“I’m not trying it again, Buckly,” one of the other football players said. “This is stupid.”

They set down the table and Buckley said, “Gagnon,” in reference to me. “You’re the one who wants the drinks off the table. So, take the drinks off the table.”

I shrugged my shoulders, walked over, and began taking cans of soda and bottles of water off the table. Lyle headed over and started helping me.

“What do you think you’re doing, Concord,” Buckley said with a sneer.

Lyle calmly looked at him and said, “I’m helping Briar.”

“I don’t think so, flyboy. She’s the one who wants the drinks taken off the table so she’s the one who’s taking the drinks off the table.”

“Just let me do it, Lyle,” I said concerned the football players might rough him up.

Lyle looked at me and then looked at the football players. “Are you okay doing this?”

“Yeah, I think I can take drinks off a table by myself.”

Lyle nodded. Then he looked at the football players again and stepped away.

“Your boyfriend’s a weirdo,” Buckly said.

“It’s possible for a girl and a guy to just be friends, you know.”

Buckly and his teammates chuckled. “No, it isn’t.”

Idiots. I took the last few drinks off the table and stacked them against the gym wall with the others and the football players lifted the table and headed out the door where my mom was waiting in the truck.

“I think we’d better go after them,” Lyle said.

“Okay,” I said warily.

We stepped out into the cool night air and watched the boys turn the table around and start to load it onto the truck bed. As they did Lyle, and I heard the faintest sound of an angry hiss. From out behind one of the parked buses sauntered the kitten.

“Lyle,” I whispered, every hair on my arms standing on end. Lyle looked up and saw the wide angry red feline mammoth prowl towards the truck.

“Buckly,” Lyle said. “The cat is here.”

All four guys stopped and turned to see the giant haystack of a creature creeping towards them.

“Holy cow!” one of them said.

“What the…?” another croaked.

The kitten’s elliptical emerald-green eyes twinkled with menace as it hunched down, its fluffy garden hose sized tail swishing, preparing for battle. My heart pounded thunderously, and I struggled to breathe. Then suddenly the kitten was airborne.

It looked like a giant Garfield balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with its arms outstretched like Superman sailing through the air in slow motion. It gave the four football players enough time to jump off the truck and Lyle and I enough time to hurry behind one of the school buses and hide. The football players saw us and headed over to take cover.

The kitten landed squarely on the back of the flatbed with a hard thud causing the truck to shake. It sent reverberations up to my mother in the driver’s seat. The kitten dug in and ate ravenously devouring everything on the table: cookies, chips, nuts, and of course the drug laced cupcakes decorated in the school’s colors.

“What is that thing?” Buckly demanded.

“We believe it to be an experiment from the Edevane factory designed to see how compliant people are.”

“Are they out to kill all their customers?”

“I don’t know. It is, however, overdramatic.”

“What do we do if your mom’s pills aren’t strong enough, Gagnon?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.

“You don’t know?” he said as we witnessed the cat scarf up the last of the food.

“No, but we need to wait this out and see if it falls asleep.”

The kitten suddenly turned its head and stomped around to face us.

“What now?” Toby asked.

The kitten turned its large triangle ears around like antennas, shifting and flickering as if trying to hear us better. I glance at my mom who is sitting in the truck glancing at the cat in the rearview mirror. The kitten sniffs the air. We hold our breath waiting for my dad’s sedatives to kick in. The cat’s head makes a full 360° turn baring its two rows of sharp teeth.

“It’s like Jaws!” Buckly exclaims.

“I want to go home,” one of the football players lamented.

“Shut up, Silas. You’re going to draw its attention.”

The kitten narrowed its emerald-green eyes and put its left front paw down on the asphalt. Then it put its right front paw down. It started lifting one of its hind legs…it mewed strangely, sagged to one side, and blinked a couple of times. Its green eyes started to glaze over, and it turned its head around, so it was upside down with its chin pointing north. Its long pink tongue flopped out of the corner of its mouth like a large pink deflated innertube. Its eyelids raised and lowered slowly until they finally shut, covering the menacing emerald-green eyes. And then it began to snore.

My mother rolled down the driver’s side window. “Did you boys drive here in a car?” she asked the football players.

Buckly scarfed. “A truck.”

“Get in the truck and follow us. Briar and Lyle, you ride with me.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE BEAR (2022)-HULU & FX

One of the finest shows on television presently is this smart, funny, raw, and poignant tale from FX and Hulu. Accurately depicting what it’s like to work in restaurants which is essentially like going into battle and not in a good way, the story centers around intense introverted Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto (Jeremy Allen White who is fantastic in the role) an extraordinary young chef who while working at one of the finest restaurants in the world is ripped out of his lofty ecosphere after his older brother Michael (Jon Bernthal) blows his brains out and wills the family restaurant to him. Michael’s restaurant is not haute cuisine. It is sandwiches and spaghetti sold in a Chicago neighborhood where mobsters hang out and occasionally shoot at each other. Michael’s best friend, arrogant rough and tumble Richard “Richie” Jerimovich (Ebon Moss-Bachrach also fantastic here) co-runs the restaurant with Carmy. Despite their different demeanors, the two are relatively sympatico and struggle to keep the restaurant alive, especially since money is tight and deceased Michael owes a large sum to their Uncle Jimmy (Oliver Platt).

Into their business comes a young, trained chef named Sydney Adamu (Ayo Edebiri) who has a vision of her own as to how the restaurant should be run, which is in many ways compatible to Carmy’s style. The two struggle to bring the rest of the staff on board, including Richie, to change their low-bar style of cooking, train the chefs to work as a team, and elevate the menu to a higher plane all while Carmy fights to come to terms with his ever-present crushing grief.

This wonderfully claustrophobic show is nominated for thirteen well deserved Emmy nominations and is an absolute must see. Especially impressive is its surprising first season finale that knocks it right out of the park.

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter eighteen of my story Catzilla. My novelist and I have been wanting to recommend a film for our stream of the week that was released in 2003. My novelist had watched it some years ago and was most impressed. She also watched the remake, but the original is the one to see. She was perplexed she could not locate it on any of the streaming channels this past year. But it turns out the film has been fully remastered and restored and has gotten a theatrical re-release as of August 16^th. The film is called Oldboy and if you have never seen it before you really, really should. This is a well-told action mystery tale and the less you know about it before you go in the better. I will say it contains violence and explicit adult themes so it’s not for kids. But if you want a great time at the movie theatres and this is playing near you, we strongly recommend it. Even Tucker the Maltese wants to go. In fact, he claims to have a junior blackbelt in Taekwondo, but I have my doubts. He does keep trying to spar with me, however, and the whole situation has become quite disturbing. Anyway, here is chapter eighteen of Catzilla. Enjoy!  

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Eighteen

“Mr. Homola,” my mom said. “May I address the crowd?”

Principal Doofus sighed. “Sure.”

My mom walked up the stage stairs and stepped up to the microphone. “From what I can ascertain,” she said, “my daughter and her friend were able to lure the cat and sedate it. It was smaller at the time, and they managed to place a bug on it so they could follow it. I am not condoning these actions, but they worked just the same. To get the cat into a container we are going to have to sedate it yet again. Originally my daughter and her friend did this by luring it with food. Therefore, we will need to feed the kitty. Let’s take the refreshments we have on the table there and put together a meal for the creature.”

“Psst, Mrs. Gagnon,” Lyle said just off stage. “What if we just moved the entire table outside?”

My mom glanced at the refreshments table. “What items should I put the drugs into do you think?”

Lyle studied the goodies. “Great question. I think the cat would be fond of the cupcakes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“I suppose that’s as good an option as any.” Then she turned back to the microphone and said, “I’m going to put the sedatives into the cupcakes. Nobody eats anything off that table from now on.” Everyone watched as my mother climbed down from the stage and headed over to the table.

“Wait!” Mr. Relish, the science teacher said. “We need to know where we’re going to store the cat after we drug it.”

“If I’m not mistaken,” my mom said, “there’s a pole building that belongs to the car mechanic’s shop that’s just on the outskirts of town.”

“How are we going to transport it there? Because otherwise your dragging tonnage for the length of a mile.”

“The school owns a large truck with a long flatbed they use every year to build a float on for homecoming. We’ll drive the truck out, park it, put the table of food on top of the bed and lure the cat. The cat will climb on the bed, eat the food, and pass out.”

“There’s all sorts of things that could go wrong with that plan.”

“Maybe. But do you have a better idea?”

Mr. Relish stared her down for a moment and said, “Not presently. But even if you could lure the cat up there and sedate it, who’s going to drive the truck?”

“I am. I paid most of my way through college driving trucks for a company in the summers.”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

“Well,” Principal Doofus said. “After you drug the cupcakes what’s your next move, Mrs. Gagnon?”

“We need to contact the owner of the mechanic’s shop so we can have the doors open to drive the cat in there.”

“Who owns the mechanic’s shop?”

“Quincy’s dad!” one of the kids shouted.

Of course, I thought.

“But Quincy’s missing,” Principal Doofus said.

“Yes.”

“Well, there goes your plan, Mrs. Gagnon.”

My mom sighed. “Can someone try and text Quincy?”

Just then there was a big thud against the main doors followed by an ear-splitting caterwauling. Students screamed.

“Calm down,” my mother said into the microphone. “Everyone, calm down.”

The guitarist struck another earsplitting chord. This seemed to get things under control.

“Alright,” my mom said. “We need to figure out who’s going to be the team to drug the cat and who’s going to stay in the gym. But first, I’m going to try and contact Quincy’s father’s shop and explain what’s going on and what we plan to do.” Then she stepped away from the microphone and walked down the stairs to us.

“I have the number to the mechanic,” Lyle said. “My dad had to take his car there last week to get a dent fixed and they called my number by mistake.”  

I furrowed my brow and asked, “Why did you say something a couple of minutes ago?”

“I didn’t think about it.”

“They’re probably closed by now.”

“Someone could be working late,” he said locating the number in his phone and dialing it. “I’ll put them on speakerphone, Mrs. Gagnon so you can do the talking.”

“That would be fantastic, Lyle,” my mom replied.

We listened to the phone ring a couple of times before a recorded voice said, “You’ve reached Steeling Cars Auto Maintenance. If you are calling about an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Please listen to the following options. To make an appointment, press one. If you are calling to find out the status of your repair press two. If you are calling about a replacement part press three. If you are a supplier press four. If you need to speak to our legal department press five. For all other inquiries press six.”

“What should I press?” Lyle asked.

“Six,” my mom said.

Lyle pushed six and we waited. The phone rang several times before someone finally picked up. A rough, gravelly voice that sounded like it was run over with sandpaper said, “Yeah, what is it?”

“Hello,” my mom said. “This is an emergency.”

“Hang up and dial 911 like the message told you.”

“No, you don’t understand. We are in urgent need of your services. We want to use your pole building.”

“Pole building? What for?”

“We need a place to store a toolshed sized cat.”

“Is this Frank? Are you messing with me again? Because if you are…”

“This isn’t Frank. This is Mrs. Gagnon. I’m Briar’s mother. She goes to school with the owner’s son Quincy.”

“Yeah, so?”

“I don’t know if you’re aware of this but there genuinely is a toolshed sized cat running amuck on our streets and we need a sturdy place to imprison it after we sedate it.”

“You’re hilarious. I’ll see you tomorrow, Frank.”

“Don’t hang up! Please! This cat is dangerous, and your pole house is the best place to put it.”

“Yeah, well I can think of a few places to put it off the top of my head, Frank.”

“Please help us.”

“Uh…no.”

“We’ll give you two thousand dollars in cash. That’s what the school made off the tickets they sold for the dance tonight.”

There was a long silent pause on the other end of the line. “I’m here till nine. Once it’s nine, it’s Miller time.”

I looked at the wall clock in the gym. It was five past eight.

“Thank you, Mr.…”

“McQuoid. Aero McQuoid.”

“Thank you, Mr. McQuoid.”

“Just watch out for Gavin and Fritz.”

“Who are Gavin and Fritz?”

“Oh, you’ll see.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: GAME NIGHT (2018)-HULU

One of the great joys of movies is finding a sleeper. And this wacky silly exciting film is well worth watching for its clever script and terrific actors. Max (Justin Bateman) is obsessed with winning games. He met the girl of his dreams Annie (Rachel McAdams) at a trivia night in a bar where they both got the right answer at the same time. After getting married they host a game night every week for their friends and recently have marginalized their next-door neighbor, a peculiar cop named Gary (Jesse Plemons) who used to attend their soirees until his wife divorced him. Because of their intense competitiveness, Max and Annie are having difficulty conceiving. They suspect this might be magnified by Max’s older brother Brooks (Kyle Chandler) who has always beaten Max at every game or challenge the two have had together. On their usual game night, Brooks shows up in town and at the end of the evening invites them to his house for the following week for what he promises to be a game night to remember.

Max and Annie show up at Brooks’s opulent rented house along with the usual game night guests: Kevin (Lamorne Morris), Michelle (Kylie Bunbury) and Ryan (Billy Magnussen). Ryan, who is always bringing a different date with him, has invited Sarah (Sharon Horgan) to join him. The six competitors settle in to play the murder mystery Brooks is hosting where the prize is a red Corvette Stingray, the car of Max’s dreams. Everything starts out as planned until the plan goes completely awry. Look for a couple of surprise celebrity guests along the way.

Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce the seventeenth chapter of my story Catzilla. The rush of back-to-school is here, and my novelist and I take this time of the year to root around our home to see if we have any new and unused school supplies to donate for kids in our school district. Sometimes we have more, sometimes less. This year we located some pencils, pens, and a few pencil/pen pouches and boxes to donate. It is not always easy finding the information as to where to drop off the supplies, however. Sometimes we wish the school districts were better at communication… in every way imaginable. But we managed to figure it out and transported the items to their desired location. The Maltese even helped, sniffing out a few folders for the kids. Last year we were able to donate a Hershel backpack which was new and still in its packaging that we had purchased for something like seventy-five percent off. My novelist loves being frugal as well as generous. It is unfortunate, however, that Canis lupis familiaris like me are not allowed to attend school with our human friends. I would have made an excellent Stanford pupil. I would have majored in writing and economics. I think that would have been a whole lot of fun. But alas, I was only allowed to attend a state college and lived in a dog only dormitory. We had an ongoing rivalry with the neighboring all cat dormitory who were always staging raids. Many of us would end up feeling naked the next day when to our horror we found our collars had gone amiss. But that is topic for another time. Here now is chapter seventeen of Catzilla. Enjoy!

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Seventeen

My mother reluctantly walked towards the stage. “Principal Homola,” she said, which was Principal Doofus’s real name. “We need to formulate a plan.”

“Well, that’s just great,” Principal Homola said. “You think you can come up with a plan to fight this…whatever that thing is that’s out there and be more successful than the police just proved to be.”

“Yes. It may be a harry situation. But I think what we must do is fight the cat instead of hiding from it.”

“I concur,” Lyle said. “If we hide from the cat, it will still be lurking out there. And it will only get bigger. Mrs. Gagnon’s right. We need to defeat it.”

“Okay, Ms. Gagnon,” Professor Doofus said. “How do you suggest we defeat it?”

“The first thing I’d want to know is does it have any weaknesses? Any cracks? Any fissures we could take advantage of?”

“Cats suffer if they’ve been declawed,” Lyle said.

“That’s an excellent point, Lyle. They are devastated if they are declawed. But how would we declaw this cat?”

“What if there was an antidote? Like a way to reverse the effects and shrink it back down to normal kitten size?”

“Do you know of an antidote?”

“No, but what if there is one?”

“Well, Lyle it would be our best chance. But it may be the most difficult resolution. If it took a long time to get this big, I would guess it would take just as long to shrink.”

“You hear that, Concord?” Principal Doofus said. “It takes time to shrink.”

“What if,” I said, “all we had to do was reverse positions?”

“Reverse positions?” Mr. Relish, my science teacher said.

“The kitten is out there and we’re in here. It wouldn’t solve the problem entirely but what if the first step to getting out of this situation was to get outside and trap the kitten inside?”

“How?”

“If we could lure it to an enclosed place then we could find out if it’s possible to return it to its normal kitten size. Then we could get everyone safely home.”

“You would need a sturdy container to put it in. Where are you proposing we put it?”

Mr. Relish had a point, and I didn’t have a good answer. Where would we put the kitten?

“How large is the cat?” my mom asked. “Because judging by my encounter with it I would say it was at least the size of a toolshed.”

“That would be correct,” Lyle said. “By my calculations and judging on what I heard from Dr. Grosser, that would be its approximate size at present.”

“Who is Dr. Grosser?” Principal Homola asked.

“She’s the scientist who works over at the Edevane factory.”

“Doing what?”

“Well, she made this cat we’re dealing with.”

“Don’t get smart with me, Concord. I want to know what you know.”

“That is what I know. This Dr. Grosser scientist is running experiments for some reason, and she put this cat out there to roam around our neighborhoods so we would feed it.”

“Why?”

“Ask her.”

“I’ll deal with you later. What I want to know right now is where is there a place we could securely fit a toolshed sized cat?”

My mother and I pondered this. I couldn’t immediately think of a place that would sufficiently hold the cat. I looked over at Lyle who appeared to be mulling it over as well.

“How were you able to know this cat was an experiment at the Edevane factory?” my mom asked.

“Well…we bugged it.”

“You bugged it. How on earth were you able to plant a bug on a cat that size?”

“It wasn’t as big then.”

“And?”

This was the part I didn’t want to tell her. “We…drugged it.”

“With what?”

“A sedative.”

“A sedative? And where did you get a sedative?”

“Quincy.”

“Quincy just happened to have a sedative?”

“We think he got it from his older brother.”

“Fabulous,” my mother said sarcastically. “So, what did you and I’m presuming Lyle do after you drugged and bugged the cat?”

“Lyle put the bug he made on its collar.”

“Lyle is quite industrious, isn’t he? So, to get this cat that is the size of a toolshed…”

“And growing.”

“And growing, we’re going to have to drug it again. How did you drug it the first time? Lure it with food?”

“More or less.”

“So, we’re going to need sedatives strong enough to affect a cat that large.” My mom looked away and mulled this over. Then she sighed and said, “I don’t know if it’s strong enough, but I might still have some of your father’s prescription pills in my handbag. I used to have to carry them around for him. I’ll go check my handbag. You stay here.”

“Okay.”

My mom marches off in the direction of the chaperone’s room and I look over at Lyle again. This time Lyle looks back. After a moment, he walks over to me. “Hello, Briar,” he says.

“Lyle.”

“I knew things wouldn’t go well tonight so I showed.”

I nodded. “Yeah, things are out of hand.”

“You…you look really styling in that dress.”

“Thank you.” I looked at his dark blue houndstooth jacket, white oxford shirt, and red bowtie. “You look good too.”

“Thank you. Do you have a good idea of a place to put a toolshed sized cat.”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“My mom found out we used sedatives on the kitten.”

“Is she mad?”

“Hard to tell. She’s gone to check her handbag to see if she still has some of my dad’s old sedatives.”

“If she has enough of them that should do the trick. But we’re going to need a way to transport the cat to wherever it is we plan to stash it.”

“I didn’t even think about that.”

“I don’t know if we should give it the sedatives first or lure it to it’s location and then sedate it.”

Just then, my mom returned. “Lyle,” she said. “I’m glad you decided to come to the dance.”

“Thank you.”

“Alright, here’s what I’ve got,” she said opening a small metal pill box.

“Hmm,” Lyle said. “Is that about five pills?”

“Yes.”

“Well…I guess it’s better than nothing.”

“Good enough for me. Now let’s go catch this cat.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: UNCLE BUCK (1989)-Netflix

When John Hughes wrote and directed films in the 1980’s and 1990’s he was successful but not necessarily critically acclaimed. You can watch the review from Siskel and Ebert here (I am a big Siskel and Ebert fan). But there is something timeless about them. Whether his films are silly, poignant, serious, or otherwise most of them stand the test of time. And with the banal deluge of superhero movies peppered with characters which, let’s face it, no one can relate to unless you can shoot laser beams out your orifices, it is a genre of film which is sadly missing today. Over time, there have been a lot of movies designed for the generation they were created for and struck a note with teenagers such as Rebel Without a Cause, American Graffiti, To Sir with Love, The Last Picture Show, Dazed and Confused, Clueless, Napoleon Dynamite, 10 Things I Hate About You, Edge of Seventeen, and Rushmore to name a few. And then John Hughes’s films: The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Buller’s Day Off amongst his best. We still have some teenage films being made, but they seem to be missing something timeless or they tend to be more focused on a ham-fisted message than the actual story.

When I rewatched Uncle Buck on Netflix recently, I was delighted to find it had a Most Liked stamped on it. It’s an accessible film. A film about real human beings. A film about a situation that could happen as opposed to waking up one day after being bitten by a moth and finding out you now are able to eat excessive amounts of wool. I would rather see a story about teenagers being teenagers. Movies like Lady Bird, Eighth Grade and Book Smart were hits with the critics in recent years, but let’s face it. Do you want to watch them repeatedly? Are you going to rush to stream them every Thanksgiving break? I’m not. Surely, we can do better than this.

That said, Uncle Buck was not a critical hit. But when folks are being honest it’s a Most Liked. It’s a simple story. A smart suburban teenager named Tia Russel (Jean Louisa Kelly in her first movie) is briming with angst. She is sick of being her parent’s babysitter for her latchkey younger siblings Maizy (Gaby Hoffman) and Miles (Macaulay Culkin). Then comes the late-night phone call that their grandmother has fallen seriously ill. The kids’ mom and dad (Elane Bromka and Garrett M. Brown) must leave for a while. With no one else to call, they contact dad’s brother Uncle Buck (the wonderful John Candy) to take over the role as guardian. Uncle Buck is not suited to be a parent in any capacity. He’s an aged bachelor who would rather bet on horses than hold a real job. He’s broke, he’s a slob, he smokes cigars, he owns the worst car in the world, and he has no experience whatsoever with kids. But that might just be exactly who the Russel’s need.

Uncle Buck is not a profoundly deep film. But it is a charming one just the same. And its teenage themes still hold merit today. Tia doesn’t pick meet her creepy boyfriend Bug (Jay Underwood) on an internet dating site, but he lives up to his name just the same. Families still have black sheep who can surprise them at times. And the struggles between parents and their nearly adult children still exist. If you have never seen it, this is a great summer film to enjoy and perhaps watch again in the years to come. Look for Laurie Metcalf as the wacky next-door neighbor and Amy Madigan as Uncle Buck’s long suffering-girlfriend.  

Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter sixteen of my story Catzilla. This week my novelist and I went to the theatre and took in the film Oppenheimer because we like it when our fellow NTs make movies about NTs (Christopher Nolan is an INTJ and Oppenheimer is an INTJ). The next day my novelist and I perused reviews of the film which we mostly agreed with as being a great movie. However, there was one major disagreement we had with the movie we haven’t yet found amongst the critics and that was how small a part Richard Feynman plays in the story. Yes, he’s in it but not as much as my novelist thinks he should be. Oppenheimer is a heavy film with little to no humor and we think Feynman, who was not only a genius, but a bit of a prankster may have added some much-needed levity to the story. Also, we think perhaps one could look at the scientists Einstein, Oppenheimer, and Feynman as a trinity at that point in history: the professor emeritus, the professor in his prime, and the young professor apprentice. We think more focus on this may have made for a stronger story. We appreciate this is a heady and dense film and would easily recommend it, but many great dramas have flourished with a bit of levity, and we think some gifted young actor could have benefited from such a role as well as adding panache to the film. Anyway, that’s our two cents. And now here is chapter sixteen of my story Catzilla.    

Catzilla

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Sixteen

I hurried over to my mom and tapped her on the shoulder. She whipped around and I showed her Lyle’s text.

“Ask him where he is,” she told me.

I texted Lyle:

            Where RU?

I waited a couple of minutes, but he didn’t reply. “He hasn’t texted back.”

“Be patient.”

Suddenly, we heard a thud. Not a small thud like an object falling off a counter or a kid landing on his feet. This was a big thud, a huge thud, like a large tree falling over. The sound came from the gym entrance. Then I heard that horrible raspy noise the kitten had made like it had smoked cigarettes for years. But it was louder and raspier than before.

My mom ran over to the gym teacher Mr. Schermer who was guarding the entrance and motioned for him to shut the doors. Mr. Schermer kicked away the large orange wedge holding the heavy doors open. But as the doors began to close a large fluffy red paw took a swipe at him and ripped his shirt.

“Holy cats!” he exclaimed. “What was that?!”

This time I didn’t text Lyle, I called him. The phone rang several times and went to voicemail. I hung up and dialed again. Still no answer. I looked up and my mother shoved her cattle prod at the kitten. The kitten swatted its paw and caught my mom by the hair.

“Mom!” I screamed and ran over to the door. I grabbed the cattle prod which had clattered to the floor and zapped the kitten with it again. And then again.

The cat caterwauled and hung onto my mom’s hair. I zapped the thing again and this time it was enough for my mother to untangle herself from its claw. Mom ran to Mr. Schermer and the two of them forced the door shut. Mr. Schermer fumbled for his keys and locked the doors.

Suddenly, I realized pandemonium had broken out. Kids were screaming and crying, running around in circles, and knocking each other over. I stormed the stage, grabbing the microphone away from the singer who, like the rest of the band, was frozen in fear.

“Stop!” I yelled. “You’re going to hurt each other!” But the kids just kept running around and banging into one another.

“What was that…thing?” the lead singer asked me.

“A cat.”

“Like an oversized cougar or something?”

The lead guitarist stepped up to the microphone and played the loudest, most obnoxious sound I’ve ever heard come out of a musical instrument. That got the kids’ attention. All eyes turned to the stage.

“We need to make sure all the doors in here are shut and locked,” I said into the microphone.

“I’ll get the other doors,” Mr. Schermer said and headed to the other side of the gym.

“What was that thing?” Principal Doofus demanded.

“A kitten,” I said.

“A…kitten? That thing is bigger than any kitten I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s no ordinary kitten. It’s a science project at the Edevane plant.”

“What kind of science project?”

“The only person here who might know is Ellery Edevane.”

Everyone started looking around the room for Ellery. But no one could find him.

“He was just standing in the corner with Quincy a moment ago.”

The kids working lights and sound turned the spotlight on the corner. But both Ellery and Quincy were gone.

“You’re trying to tell us that monster out there was a kitten?” Mr. Relish, my science teacher asked. “There’s no way a house cat could get that big.”

“But a blowfish can expand up to four times its normal size. Why couldn’t a kitten, an unusual kitten, do the same?”

“A kitten doesn’t have the elastic type of stomach a blowfish has.”

Principal Doofus marched up on stage and grabbed the microphone from me. “I’m the principal here and I’m running the show. I want all you students to make four lines. I want the seniors on my far left,” he said pointing his finger. “Then I want the juniors to line up next to them, then the sophomores and then the freshmen.”

The students grumbled and began lining up.

“What do you want us to do?” the band’s drummer asked.

“Stay put. Don’t leave the stage until I say so.” Then he turned to the students and said, “Alright, kids, let’s move it!”

The students finished filing into the four lines.

“Now, the first order of business is to remain calm. I doubt this thing outside is a giant kitten. It’s likely an oversized bear or an animal that escaped from a zoo, or possibly a circus animal that abandoned its trainer.

“It looked like a big kitten paw to me,” Mr. Schermer said.

“What we do know is something is out there and it’s dangerous.”

“You don’t know the half of it!”

Everyone turned their attention to the back of the gym. Standing there was Lyle. Somehow, he’d managed to slip inside the back door.

“What are you talking about, Concord?”

“That kitten has been roaming around the neighborhoods near the school. The more people fed it the larger it got.”

“What?”

“I’m saying we built a monster…well, the Edevanes’ built a monster, but we were the real guinea pigs here.”

“Because we fed a stray kitten?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Everyone will soon.”

Suddenly, there was another loud thump. Mr. Schermer ran over to the main entrance. “Holy cats! The thing is slamming its paws against the door!”

“It’s time for action,” Principal Doofus said. “I want us to build a fortress. If we are going to be safe from this thing, we need a blockade. Seniors, I want you to get all the gymnastic mats and put them up against the doors. Let’s move!”

The seniors headed over to the closets where the mats had been stored away for the dance. They hauled them out with three people to a mat: one at the front, one in the middle and one at the end. They built a wall of mats up against the front door and the rear door. As they did, I quietly left the stage and headed over to my mom.

“How are we going to get out of here?” I asked her.

“We’ll need to come up with an evacuation plan. But more importantly we’ll need to know how to stop that cat.”

“Fantastic, kids,” Principal Doofus said. “Now, I’m going to call the police and have them help us get out of here.”

Five minutes later we heard sirens approaching. The only windows in the gym were the ones on the doors.

“Mr. Schermer,” the principal asked. “Can you look outside and give us an update?”

“The police have their guns raised,” Mr. Schermer said. “They are pointing them at the cat.”

We all heard a single patrol rifle shot fire.

“They…holy cats! The kitten just slapped the guns right out of their hands!”

“The kitten is slapping them around like a toy! It’s tossing them in the air! The cat is juggling the police officers! They’re landing on the ground…badly! One of them just got up. He’s running for his vehicle. He’s leaving! He’s driving off!”

“I think you’d better come up with an escape plan, mom,” I said.

“So, it seems,” my mom replied.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE VERDICT (1982)-HBO MAX

This week’s pick is a rare film with a superb cast of actors, a legendary playwright & screenwriter (David Mammet), and a highly skilled director (Sidney Lumet). Based on the novel by Barry Reed it is the story of Frank Galvin (Paul Newman in a fantastic Oscar nominated performance) a gifted lawyer who, after being screwed over in his younger days by his former law firm has become an alcoholic and a failure in his trade having had only four court cases in the last three year all of which he lost. One day, his only friend and retired ex-partner Mickey Morrissey (Jack Warden) brings him a case which he forgets about for months until he is due to present it. The case involves a young pregnant woman named Deborah Ann Kaye who, after being admitted to St. Catherine Labouré Hospital after what should have been a routine delivery loses her baby and ends up in a permanent coma. Frank goes to see Kaye in the care unit she will now spend the rest of her life in. After taking pictures of her, Frank sees a parallel to the way he was treated by his former firm and the way she is being treated by a prestigious hospital and for once in his ambulance chasing life, he connects to the client he is defending. He turns down the $210,000 the hospital and Catholic church offers and instead prepares to go to court against a powerful New York law firm headed by Ed Concannon (James Mason). Charlotte Rampling also delivers a wonderful performance as Frank’s love interest Laura Fischer. And David Mammet’s then wife Lindsay Crouse plays Kaitlin Costello Price.