Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to tell you this week I was a bad, bad dog. I made a conscious decision to run away. You see, I started suffering from panic attacks early last week. I am not certain when they began or even why. It was almost a week ago when I developed a fear of human legs and feet. An odd phobia, but true. Whenever someone came near me, and I saw legs and feet approaching, I panicked. I screamed. To be precise I yelped. I still prefer to refer to it as scream but there you are.

Next door to the building I live in is a house where the owners have been renovating the backyard. It is quite a landscaping job and near this firepit is a terrace where they like to leave tasty treats on the ground. I always wanted to sit under the terrace and partake of tasty treats. I was chatting it up with Bernard D. Bunny. Bunnies like butterflies are free. They can hop about from yard to yard, residence to residence and then return home. I started longing for that freedom and so when my novelist took me outside without a leash as she often does, I made a dash for the neighbor’s yard. You see there’s these two broken areas in the fence that have eroded over time and have not been repaired. I tried to head through the one that is in front of the brambles, but my novelist caught me and brought me back.

But yesterday morning, I tried something different. I had a panic attack at the edge of the wooded area and knowing my novelist was just far enough away I dashed back through the brambles and then through the other break in the fence. The brambles made it difficult for her to follow me. And then I hid. I could hear her calling my name for a good half an hour. I am not kidding, half an hour. She then contacted…Him and I heard Him calling for me as well. Fat chance I was going to…Him. After another half an hour, I heard a car pull out, likely searching the neighborhood for me and then it grew quiet. I found out later this was because …Him was driving around in search of me and my novelist was inside trying to put together a post on Nextdoor to alert the neighborhood of my disappearance. Well, no one would have found me because I do not believe the neighbors were home and I was hiding.

After another half an hour of lounging and ignoring my novelist, footsteps approached. It was…Him. I was rather happy someone had finally come along because to be honest I was beginning to feel a bit peckish. The food scraps were scant at best. I allowed him to pick me up and return me to my novelist who was overjoyed. She did, however, call me evil. Then the real horror started. I was whisked off to the vet because of my panic attacks. The veterinarian gave me a full examination and weighed me and could not find anything immediately out of place except that I had lost a little weight. I was then whisked into the back room where I had my anal glands…well, you know, and my veins pumped with saline. Because my panic attacks seemed to indicate I was acting like I was in pain I was given anti-inflammatory medicine and a pain killer.

Alas, the moral of this story is crime doesn’t pay. Someone or something will eventually find you and when they find you, you will end up at the vet. They will question your sanity. They will give you medicine and worse. Be forewarned and take it from me: do not fake a panic attack and stay in your own backyard.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THELMA (2024)-HULU

This week’s pick is a charming romp of an action comedy written and directed by James Margolin. This is Margolin’s feature film debut and what a fantastic debut it is.

Ninety-three-year-old Thelma (brilliantly played by June Squibb) is a charming widower who has an equally charming twenty-three-year-old grandson named Daniel (Fred Hechinger) who helps her with today’s technology. He has taught her how to use her computer and her cell phone and she’s become rather adept with it. But one day she gets sideswiped by a phone call she thinks is from Daniel. He says he’s in jail because he accidentally hit a pregnant woman with his car. He tells her to call his lawyer and gives her the phone number. She calls the number and the man on the other end tells her to send $10,000 to an address. Thelma attempts to call her daughter Gail (Parker Posey) who she cannot immediately contact. Gail finally gets the message and calls her husband, Daniel’s father Alan (Clark Gregg). Thelma, who has still not heard from anyone, walks to the post office and drops her letter with the $10,000 in the mailbox because the line is too long.  

Shortly after, Thelma finds out Daniel was never in an accident, that he was in fact asleep in bed at the time of the call. The call, it turns out, was a scam. Thelma admits to her family she sent the money to the swindlers, and they head for the police department. The detective informs them there is little to nothing they can do about the situation. He asks if Thelma can provide the shipping address where she sent the money. But alas, Thelma is unable to locate it. The family starts to think maybe Thelma should move to a retirement home. But Thelma has other ideas. She returns to the post office and finds the address in the garbage can in the bathroom. Then she starts to plan how she will get to the address and recover her money.

Thelma asks Danny to take her to visit her friend Ben (Richard Roundtree in his final film). Danny stays in his car and sets his timer for 30 minutes. Thelma goes in and chats with Ben. She tells him about her plight and her plan to go to the address and retrieve the money. Ben tells her she’s crazy and shouldn’t do it. She finds out he has a new two seated scooter. She asks him if she can take it for a ride and he agrees. Knowing her time is running out on Danny’s timer she gets on the scooter and takes off en route out of the facility. But Ben stops her and agrees to go with her to help retrieve what is rightfully hers. Look for Malcolm McDowell in a pivotal role.