Good afternoon. Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter forty of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. Today I was made to go back to the vet for a follow up visit post my dental cleaning. As was expected, I was a brilliant patient and am doing well. The downside, however, is my novelist was given the green light to schedule me a grooming appointment. It is true I am shaggy at present and have part of my left front leg shaved which would be a disastrous look on any runway. But I still detest going to the groomers…no matter how spectacular I look afterwards. Not only that but I was subjected to a bath yesterday prior to my appointment today. It is not cold weather or anything, so I wasn’t cold. Far from it. But it is most detestable just the same. What is it with humans? Always bathing and preening and dragging their owners to the vet? This is a philosophical conundrum I must discuss with Bernard D. Bunny over tea this weekend. Until then, please enjoy my fortieth chapter of Certified Sadistic Accountant. Vive la saleté!

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Forty

Curtis stepped back from the door.

“I know you’re in there,” said the voice on the other side. “I can hear you.”

“Why…why are you here?”

“Open the door. Then I’ll tell you.”

Curtis put his hands on his hips. Nothing about this could be good. “Are the police out there?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

He took a deep breath, sighed and opened the door. Fia stood there glaring at him. “Come in.”

She stomped into the house, spun around, and looked him in the eye. “You owe me.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t turn you in. I told them I escaped and couldn’t identify my kidnapper because I was locked in a large attic.”

Curtis took a tentative step towards her and dug his hands in his pockets. “Why did you tell them that?”

“Because I want to understand why you kidnapped me. And if you don’t tell me I will go back to the police and tell them maybe, just maybe, there might have been a stream of light that came in the door when they brought food in for me, and I might have seen enough of the criminal’s face to give them an accurate description and pick you out of a lineup.”

Curtis carefully studied her face. Finally, he said, Because Makenna and Lance broke into my house and killed my Yorkshire Terrier, Haven.”

“How do you know they were the ones who broke into your house?”

“I had a surveillance system installed in my apartment.”

“Do you still have the video of them breaking into your place?”

“Yes. And while they were in there, Lance located the camera and spraypainted the lens.”

 “That doesn’t prove they were responsible for Haven escaping.”

“My landlord showed me his surveillance footage and it shows Haven scurrying out the front door and then Makenna and Lance running out after her. Haven stops at one point on the grass and looks at them, and then they begin moving towards her and she turns and runs out into the street just as a delivery truck is coming. The delivery truck screeches to a halt and Makenna and Lance stand there like they’ve just seen a flying saucer. Then they hurry towards the accident.”  

“Sounds like you have enough evidence to have them arrested.”

“They’ve harassed me ever since I started working there. This time they took it too far.”

“How does abducting me work into this picture?”

“Your father stood by day after day while Makenna, Lance, Irwin and Grady pulled annoying pranks on me.”

“Maybe. But that’s probably because he was a little jealous of you. You are a better accountant than he is. He’s as much as said so. And maybe part of him didn’t intervene because he’s trying to run a business.”

“Maybe he should have paid better attention to the actions of his employees.”

“Why didn’t you go to the police with the surveillance footage?”

“Killing Haven was the last straw. Pinning a kidnapping on them would make them suffer more than breaking and entering. “

“And so, I’m a pawn in this game?”

“More or less. I would have pinned it on Makenna and Lance. I’d still be stuck with Grady and Irwin but getting Makenna and Lance out of the way would have been enough.”

“What makes you think Grady and Irwin didn’t devise this scheme? “If Grady and Irwin helped plot it, they’re guilty too.”

“Oh, they were in on it. But Makenna was the mastermind and she and Lance were the ones who broke into my house and got Haven killed.”

“So, your plan was to put my father and I through distress and then pin the kidnapping on Makenna and Lance. And then you were going to coheres me to go along with it.”

“More or less.”

“Wow. Maybe I should have turned you in.”

“Honestly, I’m thankful you didn’t.”

“You’re going to have to be a little more than grateful, Curtis.”

“What do you want?”

“Since your clown show plan fell through, you will have to consider mine. And if you don’t, I will turn you into the police.”

Curtis hesitated for a moment. Then he said, “What is your plan?”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE UPSIDE OF ANGER (2005) HBO MAX

Here is a terrific, smart, witty comedy that often gets overlooked. It was pure joy getting to see it again this week. It’s held up very well, has a shockingly stellar cast, and was brilliantly written and directed by Mike Binder with a terrific ending not many films are smart enough to have.

Terry Wolfmeyer (Joan Allen in what should have been an Oscar nominated performance) is angry. Very angry. She sits down one night to have dinner with her four daughters, eldest Hadley, (Alicia Witt) a college student, Andy, (Erika Christensen) who wants to work and not go to college, Emily, (Keri Russell) an aspiring ballerina, and youngest, Popeye, (Evan Rachel Wood) the literary phenom of the family. Terry, dressed in her lingerie, sets a strong drink on the table and announces her husband, their father, has left her for his Swedish secretary. This stuns the girls who each begin to deal with the breakup in their own way.

Meanwhile, next door neighbor and ex-major league baseball star Denny Davies (Kevin Costner) who has always had a crush on Terry, is both surprised and covertly delighted to find out her husband has disappeared. Between his daily radio show produced by his likeable but somewhat sleazy producer Adam “Shep” Goodman (Mike Binder) he slowly attempts to charm his way into Terry and her girl’s lives by offering to be Terry’s drinking partner. Terry, who is nobody’s fool, is skeptical at first since Denny and Shep want to buy her out and develop the rather large stretch of wooded land between Denny’s house and hers. But the daughters like Denny, and he is eventually invited to dinner, asked to stay and watch television, and become part of Terry and their lives. After a while Denny offers the anti-college Andy a job as an assistant on his radio show. But when middle-aged Shep takes a liking to Andy, Terry’s anger reaches a boiling point.

Look for Dane Christensen (Erika Christensen’s real-life brother) as Popeye’s classmate Gordon Reiner.