Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter twenty-eight of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. This week…what are you doing here, Bernard?

The other neighborhood bunnies and I want to do something for you.

What do you…?

A one and a two and a…Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear, Gigi! Happy Birthday to you! Woo!

That is so sweet of you! Thank you for remembering today is my birthday!

Let’s do the bunny hop dance.

I don’t…

Stick your right paw out. Stick your right paw in. Stick your left paw out. Stick your left paw in. Hop forwards. Hop back. Hop forwards three times: hop, hop, hop. Out, in, out in, out, in, out in, forward, back, hop, hop, hop! Line dance!

This is confusing, I don’t know if I can…

Everybody! Out, in, out in, out, in, out, in, forward, back, hop, hop hop! Out, in, out in, out, in, out, in, forward, back, hop, hop hop!

Help! I’m being dragged into a bunny stampede!

Out, in, out in, out, in, out, in, forward, back, hop, hop hop! Out, in, out in, out, in, out, in, forward, back, hop, hop hop! Out, in, out in, out, in, out, in, forward, back, hop, hop hop!

Where’s the door! Where is the door! Help!

Out, in, out in, out, in, out, in, forward, back, hop, hop hop! Out, in, out in, out, in, forward, back, hop, hop hop!

I am locking them in…success! What a bizarre birthday surprise! I heard something like this happened to Napoleon. Alright then. Here is chapter twenty-eight of Certified Sadistic Accountant. No one ever expects the bunny dance.  

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Twenty-Eight

“Alright, Dal,” Sheriff Bob said as he and his officers set up the surveillance in the Dupree dining room. “We’re going to be watching the window there and we’re going to need to keep the lights off,” he said pointing to the picture window that faced the street where the mailboxes stood. “They’ll be watching and listening thanks to our mobile unit parked a few blocks away. If our kidnappers head over to your mailbox to drop off their second ransom note, we’ll be ready for them.”

“What if they don’t deliver a second ransom note at all?” Dallas asked, his hands on his hips and his foot tapping.

“They want something, that’s for sure so they are going to try and contact you one way or another.”

“I want my girl back, Bob.”

“And right now finding Fia is priority number one for me and my officers.”

“Say Sheriff,” one of the officers said siding up to Bob, “this coffee is good and all, but Mort was wondering if there was any decaf.”

“My wife and I don’t drink decaf,” Dallas said. “What’s the point of drinking coffee if there’s no caffeine in it?”

“Well, sir, Mort loves the taste of it. He’s just been trying to cut down. If he drinks too much, he’s bound to handle his weapon improperly. We were out at the shooting range yesterday and he’d just drank one of those triple macchiatos and let me tell you, he couldn’t hit the barn. I mean…”

“That’s enough, Steve,” Sheriff Bob said. “Dal, do you have a beverage in your pantry there that’s non-caffeinated?”

“My wife has herbal tea in the cupboard somewhere. She bought it for Fia. I’ll see if I can find it.”

Mr. Dupree headed into the kitchen to retrieve the herbal tea while the rest of Sheriff Bob’s officers continued setting up the stake out. A minute or so later Mrs. Dupree entered the dining room with a large plastic bowl filled with snacks.

“I don’t want anyone to go hungry,” she said.

“Thank you, Damaris,” Sheriff Bob said. “My officers will appreciate this. Stakeouts take a lot of patience, you know.”

“Why don’t you think the kidnappers came last night?”

“Might have seen Keith’s patrol car parked out there and scampered off. Although I’m also found it strange that they didn’t show up. They must want to get those instructions to you and your husband.”

“Do you think you can get Fia back?”

Sheriff Bob kept a neutral look on his face. “We know she’s in the hands of someone or a group who want something and if you and your husband meet their demands there is a good chance you’ll see her again.”

Mrs. Dupree nodded solemnly. “Get her back, Bob.”

Sherrif Bob nodded.

“Okay,” Mr. Dupree said returning to the room. “I’ve got the tea.”

“Thank you, Mr. Dupree,” Officer Steve said walking up and taking the cup from him. Mort will love this.”

“Which one is Mort?”

“That guy over there.”

Mr. Dupree turned to see where Officer Steve was pointing and saw a small man with dark straight hair and a pencil thin mustache. So, that’s the tea drinker he thought. Officer Steve took Officer Mort the cup of tea and then headed over to peruse the big bowl of treats Mrs. Dupree had set out.

“Zero bars!” he exclaimed. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a Zero bar.” He grabbed the candy bar, ripped off the wrapper and took a bite. “Man, these are tasty. Hey, Mort. Do you like Zero bars?”

Mort took a sip of his tea and shook his head.

“They’ve got baked potato chips, granola bars, cookie packs…”

“Mort likes trail mix,” Sheriff Bob said.

“Okay.” Officer Steve picked up the trail mix and studied the package. “There’s carob chips in the trail mix, Mort.”

Mort adjusted his headset and gave Steve a thumbs up.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Officer Steve said to Mrs. Dupree and tossed the pack of trail mix to Officer Mort who caught it in midair.

“I heard something,” a third officer said.

“Brock heard something,” Sheriff Bob announced. All the officers focused on their video surveillance. A FedEx truck had pulled up to the mailboxes. “Kind of late to be making a delivery, don’t you think?”

“He’s usually here by four in the afternoon,” Dallas said.

The officers watched as the FedEx guy got out of his vehicle and headed into the back of his delivery truck. He got out a manilla envelope, carried it to the front porch and rang the doorbell. This prompted the Dupree dog, Diamonds to bark wildly.

“What do we do?” Dallas asked.

“Answer the door,” Sherrif Bob said.

Dallas opened the door. “Yes?”

“Package for Mr. Dallas Dupree,” the FedEx guy said.

“Kind of late for you to be delivering, isn’t it?”

“Your regular FedEx delivery person went on spring break. I’m just filling in.”

“Oh…”

“Have a nice night.”

“Thank you.”

The FedEx guy turned around, headed out to his truck, and left. Mr. Dupree started to open the envelope.

“Hold on there, Dal,” Sheriff Bob said. “You need gloves and a mask. Why don’t you let my deputy here open it.”

 A policeman with Guy Fieri hair snapped on a pair of gloves and a mask and took the envelope out of Mr. Dupree’s hands. He opened it and pulled out the ransom note.

“What does it say, Gunther?”

“Give me a moment,” the deputy said. “It’s longer than the first note. Let’s see, “Fire your accountants on Monday or never see Fia again.” Those are odd demands.” Deputy Gunther turned the paper over and checked the back and then turned it back to the front. “Yep. That’s all she wrote.”

“This is ridiculous!” Mr. Dupree exclaimed. “These lunatics want me to fire all my accountants in the middle of Tax Season? Are they insane? That’s absurd!”

“Did you have some customers who were displeased with the way you did their taxes?” Sheriff Bob asked.

“No! None that I’m aware of anyway. Isn’t there a way I could just pay them off?”

“We aren’t talking about sane people here, Dal. I would relent and carry out their demands.”

“Are you nuts? I’ll lose my clientele!”

“If you don’t, you’ll lose your daughter. Look, Dal, go into the office on Monday and explain the situation to your staff. Tell them it’s temporary and you’re dealing with an unstable mind.”

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: JOE (2013)-TUBI, FREEVE, PLUTO, ROKU CHANNEL

This past week I looked up the list of the top downloaded apps and of the movie apps the most popular was Tubi followed by HBO Max and Netflix. And so, I thought I would choose a few movies this summer that are standouts on the Tubi channel. The first one is one of Nicholas Cage’s best performances and features a young Tye Sheridan. The film is called Joe based on the book by Larry Brown who sadly died of a heart attack at the age of 53.

The story is a gritty Southern Gothic piece about a man named Joe (Nicholas Cage). Joe lost connection with his family after he was arrested and incarcerated in his mid-thirties for physically assaulting a police officer. Now a free man, Joe has an honest job as the foreman of a tree poisoning crew. A fifteen-year-old drifter named Gary Jones (Tye Sheridan) arrives in town with his mother, mute younger sister Dorothy (Anna Niemtschk), and abusive and alcoholic father Wade Jones (Gary Poulter). Gary asks Joe for a job and promises to work hard, which he does. Joe is pleased with the likable kid and agrees to hire Wade the next day as well. But Wade turns out to be belligerent and lazy and Joe fires both he and Gary. However, when Joe sees Wade beat up Gary and take his money, he re-hires Gary and the two form a father and son bond that spirals into harrowing events.  

The screenplay was beautifully penned by Gary Hawkins and directed by David Gordon Green. Tim Orr’s cinematography adds to the beautiful but gloomy atmosphere. Gary Poulter was homeless when he was hired for the part of Wade. Sadly, he died shortly before the film was released.