Good evening. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter sixteen of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. This week I will be attending the funeral with my novelist. It has been a tiring week with many things to prepare. A funeral is much like a wedding except it must be done faster. It costs about the same. One is better served if one does not die broke. I had no idea how many intricacies were involved from clothes to flowers to obituaries to receptions. It is a methodical affair. I must say I am fortunate to have black and white hair. It seems to go with all occasions whether they be joyful or somber. I enjoy being the center of attention but this time I think I will stay more in the background and let my novelist and her family take the center stage. From what I have learned the southern states have more lavish funerals than those of us in the Pacific Northwest. Perhaps we could learn something from them. I’m not sure we take ours seriously enough. And with that thought here is chapter sixteen of Certified Sadistic Accountant.  

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Sixteen

Once Curtis secured Fia in the attic, he decided to assemble the ransom note. He knew an email would be difficult for him to spoof so he decided to do it the old-fashioned way with words cut from magazines pasted to paper. His worry, of course, was DNA. He put on gloves, a shower cap, a face mask and made sure the surface of Aunt Odette’s desk was spotless. He rarely if ever went into his aunt’s office. He unlocked the door (she always kept it locked) and after putting on his gear sat down and got to work.  

After he had left work that evening, he stopped at the local drug store and purchased a pair of tweezers with cash. No one would think twice about someone purchasing a pair of tweezers with cash. Mr. Dupree had been quite agitated with Fia not returning to the receptionist desk after lunch. Curtis figured he was about to get a lot more agitated once he received the ransom note. Curtis stopped at a different store to purchase a package of Elmer’s Glue Sticks and a small ream of ordinary letter paper. He set them on his aunt’s desk while he located a pair of scissors in the desk drawer and sanitized them. He’d chosen a couple of art magazines from a file on his aunt’s shelf. He decided these would do nicely.

He clipped the magazine cuttings first, flipping through pages and searching for the perfect words. Brief and to the point he told himself. Nothing extraneous to give himself away. After he finished cutting out all the words, he carefully set them on a sheet of paper from the ream. Then he removed the tweezers from the packaging and set them on a second sheet of paper. He opened the glue sticks and set them with the tweezers.

He fumbled with his gloved hands slowly adhering the words to a third sheet of paper. He realized he needed a second instrument to work with the tweezers to make certain the words pressed down and stuck. He wished he had purchased a second set of tweezers. He scanned around his aunt’s desk. Suddenly, he saw an unsharpened pencil with an unused eraser on it. This would do quite nicely. He carefully cleaned the pencil with a Clorox wipe and let it dry.

He used the eraser to help steady and put pressure on the words so they would stick to the paper. It took him a good hour, but he finally finished the ransom note. He sat back in his chair and admired his artwork. He would let the glue dry while he made dinner for Fia. This time he wouldn’t make the mistake of allowing her to escape.

He removed his rubber gloves, mask, and shower cap, locked the door of the office behind him, and headed into the kitchen. He took an apron off a hook on the wall, put it on and tied it. Late last night he went to the grocery store and purchased enough food to last two weeks. He figured that should be enough time to accomplish his mission.

He turned on the oven to 400 degrees, opened the refrigerator and took out a head of iceberg lettuce, a green pepper, a cucumber, olives, snap peas, and celery. On the counter were a brown paper bag with white mushrooms and a small box of cherry tomatoes. He took a knife from the wood block on the counter and cut off some of the lettuce and chopped it up. He grabbed a ceramic soup bowl from the cupboard and lined the bottom of it with the lettuce. He neatly arranged the vegetables inside the bowl then put the bowl in the refrigerator.

He pulled a tray of chicken tenders out of the refrigerator and set them on the counter. He grabbed a small pan from the bread warmer under the stove, lined it with foil, laid the chicken tenders on it and seasoned them with lemon pepper. Then he put the pan in the oven.

He located a wide stemmed glass in the cupboard and stuck it into the refrigerator to chill. He got out a fork from the silverware drawer and a cloth napkin from the cabinet beneath. He folded the napkin so he could slip the fork into it. Napkin folding was something his Aunt Odette had taught him when he was in middle school. She was determined not to have an ill-refined nephew. He found a tray under the counter and set the napkin-wrapped fork on it.

The timer went off and Curtis removed the chicken from the oven. He took a spatula from the large silver cylindrical utensil holder his aunt had on the counter near the stove, grabbed an oven-mitt and took the pan of chicken out of the oven. He lifted the chicken tenders off the pan and set them on a wooden cutting board. He grabbed a knife out of the wooden block and proceeded to cut the chicken tenders into bite-sized pieces. Curtis took the chilled salad out of the refrigerator and with a set of metal tongs he arranged the bite-sized pieces on the salad. He set the salad on the tray with the napkin and fork, stuck a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette dressing in one of the deep front pockets of his apron, stuck his bear mace in the other and headed upstairs to the attic.

This time Curtis was prepared for an escape attempt. He knocked on the door and said, “Fia, I’ve brought you something to eat.” Curtis opened the door, flipped on the light, and quickly shut the door behind him.

“I’m not hungry,” Fia grumbled.

“I doubt it,” Curtis said. “Right over there against the wall to your left is a table and two chairs.”

Fia sized up the table. “That’s a weird looking table.”

“My aunt made it.”

“Your aunt makes furniture?”

“More or less. She went through a wood phase.” Fia reluctantly lumbered over to the table. She pulled out the chair on the left-hand side and plopped down.

Curtis set the fork he’d placed inside the folded napkin on Fia’s left and placed her salad beside it. “I didn’t know what kind of dressing you liked so I brought a vinaigrette.”

He pulled the bottle of dressing out of the deep front pocket of his apron and set it beside her salad.

“Nothing to drink, huh?”

“I didn’t know what you liked.”

“Do you have Perrier?”

“I’ll check. My aunt usually keeps some stocked in the refrigerator.”

Curtis backed up cautiously keeping his eyes on Fia. She kept her eyes on him as well. He arrived at the door and fumbled for the doorknob behind him. He turned it, hopped out, slammed the door shut and locked it. He hurried downstairs to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Aunt Odette always kept large bottles of Perrier in the refrigerator door. But Curtis saw only one…and it had been opened. He took it out, poured some in a glass and tried it. It was flat. He sighed, poured the remainder down the drain, and tossed the empty bottle into the recycling.

He removed the chilled glass he’d put in the refrigerator, took out ice cubes from the freezer, put the ice in the glass and filled the glass with water from the tap. He carried the glass of water up the stairs to the attic. He knocked on the door and said, “I’ve got your water.” He unlocked the door, pushed it ajar, and quickly flipped on the light with his elbow. Fia glared back at him. “My aunt has run out of Perrier, so I brought you some ice water. He walked over to her and set the glass down on the table.

Fia studied the beverage. “Don’t you have a SodaStream to put some fizz in this?”

“No.”

Fia took a sip of the water. “Augh,” she said. “It tastes like water.”

“I’ll see if I can get you some Perrier.”

“I’d prefer San Pellegrino. In a glass bottle, not a plastic one.”

“I’ll get what I can get.”

“And some fresh lemons to go with it would be great.”

“Enjoy your food,” he said and turned to leave.

“Did you bring me here because no one will date you?”

“What? No.”

“It’s what everyone in the office thinks.”

“I don’t care what everyone in the office thinks.”

“You brough me here because you can’t get a date.”

“Shut up about my sex life.”

Fia slammed down her fork. “What am I supposed to talk about? I’m locked up in your weird aunt’s attic and I’m bored. I have nothing to do. I’ll talk about whatever I want to talk about.”

“What do you mean you have nothing to do? I thought you were a performance artist. You’re in a room filled with props and clothes and art my aunt collected and you tell me you’re bored. How did you manage to earn a scholarship? Look around, come up with an idea and stage a show for all I care.”

Curtis turned around, marched out the door, slammed it shut and locked it. Then he headed down the stairs. He unlocked his aunt’s office and dropped down in the desk chair. What did she know? Besides he had an envelope to prepare, and a ransom note to deliver. 

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE AFTER (2023)-NETFLIX

This week’s pick is another nominated short live action film from Netflix. And I should warn you it is a harrowing one. A man and his young daughter are spending an ordinary day out and about in London. And then something unexpected happens that changes their lives forever. It is not a story for the faint of heart, but it is a strong one and a quick watch at eighteen minutes.