Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter twelve of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. This week was the announcement of this year’s Academy Award nominations. These are what we think are the most deserving nods from the films we have seen so far:

The Holdovers for Best picture, Best actor in a leading role (Paul Giamatti) Best actress in a supporting role (Da’Vine Joy Randolph), Best original screenplay, and Best editing

Oppenheimer for Best Picture, Best Actor in a Leading Role (Cillian Murphy), Best Actor in a Supporting Role (Robert Downey Jr.) Best Director (Christopher Nolen), Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, B est Editing, Best Sound, and Best Production Design.

Barbie for Best Actor in a Supporting Role (Ryan Gossling), Best Original Song (“I’m Just Ken”), Best Costume Design, and Best Production Design.

Killers of the Flower Moon for Best Actress in a Leading Role (Lily Gladstone), Best Cinematography, Best Original Score

The Boy and the Heron for Best animated feature film

We look forward to viewing more Oscar nominated films and finding out how they compare to what we have seen so far. And with that note, here is chapter twelve of Certified Sadistic Accountant. Enjoy.

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Twelve

Thursday. Twelve-twenty-five in the afternoon. Fia met Curtis in the parking lot of the Dupree Tax Agency.

“What do you think is a good place to start looking?” Curtis asked her as she stepped up to his Honda.

“I thought about that last night,” Fia said, “and my dad really likes baseball memorabilia. So, I thought we could stop at that store at the mall.”

“Sounds good. Hop in.” They both climbed into Curtis’s Honda. He turned to her and asked, “Got your seatbelt on?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I don’t want to put you in harm’s way.”

Fia giggled nervously. Something seemed off but she didn’t know what. Curtis drove out of the parking lot on route to the mall.

“Mr. Dupree said you finishing a degree in Performance Art and got a scholarship for grad school.”

“Yes,” Fia said. “I was originally inspired by watching an off-Broadway play where a woman made a cake backwards onstage. It was extraordinary. I saw it when I was in early middle school when I’d gone back to New York with my parents and little brother. It was the single most inspiring day of my life.”

“I’ve never been inspired by anything. I just always knew I was good at math and numbers so that’s the path I took.”

“It’s the same path my dad took.”

“And not a very exciting one.”

“Math is a talent. It takes talent to do people’s taxes. Especially some of these farmers with all their land and business. That gets crazy. And that Barton guy who owns a small chain of restaurants and a racehorse.”

“Yeah, I started handling Barton’s taxes last year.”

“I know. Daddy told me. He says he wanted you working for Barton because you’re his best accountant.”

“Really,” Curtis said surprised. “I…thank you. Thank you for telling me.”

“Of course.”

“So, sports memorabilia, huh?”

“Especially baseball. My dad loves statistics.”

“So, do I. I used to score baseball games when I was I kid, but I lost interest.”

“Why?”

“So, if your dad thinks I’m the best accountant, why did Lance and Makenna each win the award the past two years?”

Fia bit her lip. “I don’t know. You’d have to ask my dad.”

They didn’t say anything to each other until they drove over the bridge and pulled into the mall parking lot.

“Which part of the mall is the sports collectible store on?” Curtis asked.

“It’s right beside the department store.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll park over here.”

He drove to the south end of the parking lot. They disembarked his Honda and headed for the entrance. Fia caught the faintest whiff of the cherry blossom trees placed strategically around the property.

“I wish I had cherry blossom fragrance oil,” she said. “They sell it at this soap store near my university. Don’t they smell incredible?”

Curtis who hadn’t noticed the smell of the blossoming trees said, “Yeah, pleasant.”

As they arrived at the entrance, Curtis opened the door for her.

“Thank you,” she said surprised. “It’s so rare to find a gentleman these days.”

“Opening doors for people is just something my father instilled in me. There’s no glory in being a gentleman.”

“That’s not true. I think there’s a reward in being a gentleman. There’s just so few around.”

“Small wonder.”

“We should take a right here and head for cosmetics. The entrance is by the cosmetics counter.”

Curtis rarely went to the mall except to see a film at the movie theatre. He was more than happy to follow Fia. Department stores were always labyrinths designed to trap you. Fia was more than an adept guide and got them to the cosmetic counter in no time.

“See,” she said as they stepped out into the mall. “There’s the sports store.” Curtis followed Fia’s finger to the left where he saw a small store designed in dark colors. It looked like an oasis in the enclosed shopping nightmare. The two stepped up to the window where there was a display of baseball memorabilia. “See that baseball in the plexiglass cube there?”

“The signed one?” Curtis asked.

“My dad would love that. It’s signed by his favorite player.”

“How much do you think it is?”

“I’d say around five hundred, more or less.”

“Five hundred dollars? I was thinking of something less than that.”

“You can just put it on your credit card.”

“Yeah, well I have a credit score of 805. And it won’t be a score of 805 if I buy that thing.”

“You could get my dad a signed photo of his favorite baseball player.”

“How much will that set me back?”

“About two hundred dollars.”

“Two hundred dollars? Look, I can’t afford that kind of gift. How about something around fifty dollars?”

“Fifty?”

“Or less if possible.”

“Less? Let me think if there’s something he’d like in the fifty-dollar range.”

Fia wrang her hands, her eyes scanning the display window. “I suppose you could get him a metal or a metal and leather keychain. They have some that run around forty-nine dollars. Or maybe you could get him a crystal mug with the team logo etched on it.”

“Those sound nice.” Curtis could tell Fia was disappointed. Either she was delusional or so spoiled she was oblivious to financial reality.

“You know,” she said, “now that I think about it, he might really like a crystal mug.”

“Great. Let’s go inside and look at mugs.”

They entered the store where they saw a display of glassware over to the left. Curtis stepped up to the table, picked up one of the crystal mugs, and checked the price.

“Forty bucks,” he said.

“They can personalize it.”

“What does it cost to do the etching?”

“Ten dollars.”

“I could spring for that. You think they’d gift wrap it.”

“Yes, they gift wrap.”

“Good.”

They took the mug up to the counter where a tall guy was standing. He looked like he played a lot of sports.

“Hi,” Curtis said to the guy.

“How’s it going?” the guy said.

“I was wondering if I could get this mug personalized.”

“Yeah, sure. But it’ll be about thirty days.”

“Thirty days?” Curtis said surprised.

“We’ve had a lot of requests for personalization lately. Especially etching.”

“Seriously? It’s not even Christmas season.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what it is, but we have a backlog.”

“Thing is it’s a birthday gift for my boss. I was hoping to get him something around fifty dollars.”

“Fifty bucks, huh? Your boss have a desk job?”

Curtis didn’t like the way the guy said desk job. “Yes, he does.”

“We just got some crystal paperweights in over there,” he said pointing. “Run you about forty-five dollars.”

Curtis and Fia turned to see the display. They looked at each other and then headed over to the paperweights. They were round and smooth with a slanted top. Inside was and etched image of the logo of Mr. Dupree’s favorite baseball team.

“How much are they?” Curtis asked.

“Sixty.”

“Uh, huh,” he said begrudgingly. “Can you box it up? Giftwrap it and such?”

“Yes.”

“Sold.”

“Cool.”

“Fia, would you pick one out?”

Fia perused the table and picked the one she thought looked the most pristine. They headed back to the counter and the guy rang up the sale. The guy handed Curtis the receipt before heading into the back to wrap the gift.

“My dad will really appreciate this, Curtis,” Fia said.

“Thanks,” Curtis replied. “I wouldn’t have thought to get him sports memorabilia. I didn’t even know he was into baseball.”

“I suppose he doesn’t talk much about himself at work.”

“No. But it’s probably wise to keep oneself…mysterious.”

“Yeah, but my dad does mysterious to a fault.”

“Here you go,” the guy said returning.

He set the paperweight on the counter which was boxed and wrapped in a dark grey wrapping paper tied with a bright blue satin ribbon.

“That looks beautiful,” Fia said. “Thank you.”

“Welcome.”

Fia picked up the gift and Curtis followed her out of the store and back through the department store’s maze until they arrived at the parking lot exit. Curtis pushed the door open and held it for Fia.

“You have such good manners, Curtis.”

“Thank you.”

They stepped outside and headed towards Curtis’s Honda. When they reached the car Curtis popped open the trunk and Fia set the box inside. He unlocked the passenger side door and held it for her as she climbed inside, a gesture which also seemed to delight her. Then he jogged around to the driver’s side.

“I guess we’d better get back to the office,” Fia said after Curtis shut the door.

“Yep,” Curtis said and pulled out and headed for the exit where he clicked on his left blinker and checked for traffic.

“The office is back that way, Curtis,” Fia said and pointed right.

“I know. But I need to run and errand first.”

“Do we have time?”

Curtis made the turn and started heading north.

“What kind of errand?”

“I promised my dad I’d pick up something.”

“Oh.” Fia thought that sounded a little strange, but she had come along for the ride so why not.

Curtis drove straight down the main arterial until he reached the turnoff where he turned right and headed for the lake.

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THELMA AND LOUISE (1990)-PLUTO TV & THE ROKU CHANNEL

I should have known when I sat down to watch the film Barbie, the script penned by Noah Bombach and Greta Gerwig was going to be an exercise in mediocrity. Especially looking at the track record of both writers who have cranked out film after film which fail to reach greatness whether it be the narcissistic The Squid and the Whale or the uninspired Lady Bird. The only thing worse about Barbie other than its script is the song What Was I Made For, yet another dud penned by the brother and sister team of Billie Eilish and Finneas O’Connell, the Salieri’s of modern music.

When Alfred Hitchcock was looking for a screenwriter for The Birds, he originally hired James Kennaway to adapt Daphne DuMauier’s short story. Kennaway had found success adapting his own novel Tunes of Glory. After working on how he would do the adaptation, Kennaway approached Hitchcock and said that everything about the birds would be seen through the eyes of the characters and that the audience would never see a single bird but only hear and feel their presence. Hitchcock sighed and said, “Ah! Well, thank you very much, Mr. Kennaway, for your efforts. There will be a check in the mail.” Hitchcock ultimately hired Even Hunter to pen the script for this terrifying classic which contains a fair number of birds.  

I am, of course, amongst other things, referring to the monologue in Barbie delivered by the character Gloria which comes off more as a social media rant than a logical argument. The writers and director chose to tell and not show, taking the already vapid script (save bright spots with Ken) to sink further into the quagmire.

Which brings me to my stream of the week, one of the best American films about feminism ever made. Callie Khouri’s brilliant script is not just a great story but with Sir Ridley Scott’s extraordinary direction, landmark performances by Susan Sarandon and Gina Davis, Adiran Bridal’s gorgeous cinematography and Hans Zimmer’s haunting score it is also an extraordinary exercise in symbolism. Every step of the way, all the meticulous details, from how the leads pack the car to looking in mirrors to trading jewelry for necessities to the dialogue like in this brilliant scene between the two leads and its unforgettable finale, it gets the points across clearly, subtly and intelligently. It doesn’t require either of the women to step up on a pedestal and give some half-cocked speech on the downfalls of being female. Monologues have their place in films like Gordon Gecko’s speech in Wall Street, but they need to effectively argue, or counter argue the premise of the film.

The story starts out in Arkansas with young housewife Louise (Geena Davis) and waitress Thelma (Susan Sarandon) preparing to go for a weekend at a cabin Thelma’s boss owns that he is losing in a divorce. Louise attempts to ask her narcissistic carpet salesman husband Daryll (Christopher McDonald who is also great here) if she can go. Knowing he’ll never say yes Louise agrees to take off with Thelma and the two overpack Thelma’s turquoise Thunderbird check their makeup, take a picture and leave. But on the way they stop at a roadhouse bar where a scumbag named Harlan Puckett (Timothy Carhart) schmoozes naive Louise and the two drink and dance together. This flirtation leads to an unexpected altercation in the parking lot which ultimately changes the two women’s lives.

Rounding out the cast are Harvey Keitel as Investigator Hal Slocumb, Michael Madson as Jimmy, and a young Brad Pitt as J.D., the role that put him on the map.