Good afternoon. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter four of my story Certified Sadistic Accountant. Today, I have been drugged. It is a most unpleasant experience. Because I apparently have a neurotic distemper which caused me to end up in the emergency hospital. I must take medication to avoid another grooming accident. Therefore, a few hours before I am due at the groomer’s, my novelist has given me what we shall refer to as “magic peanut butter”. The first concoction the vet came up with did not affect me much at all and my novelist was concerned I would end up wiggling around as it were and wind up getting cut again. When it comes to medication, I am a heavyweight you see. And so, she went back to the veterinarian, and he gave her a new concoction which has had a slightly stronger effect. To test it my novelist had me take the medication and after two hours went by, I went for a ride in the car, an activity which I loathe. After the ride my novelist decided that this second concoction was strong enough to allow me to have partial grooming rectified and thus, I am being returned to the groomer to restore me to my beautiful self. And so, I am presently lying on the bed and relaxing as my novelist waits for the medication to take effect and then I shall…be…whisked off to that place I dread…I dread almost as much as…as the vet. Until…then…I…shall…I shall…introduce chapter…chapter…four of my…story…Certified Sadistic Accountant…ZZZ…woof…ZZZ…

Certified Sadistic Accountant

by

Gigi the parti poodle

Chapter Four

Curtis had one luxury in life: a Yorkshire Terrier who had been the litter’s runt. He’d purchased the pup for half the asking price of its other brothers and sisters and named it Haven. Curtis originally wanted a larger dog, a medium sized dog even. But the five-pound Haven and he hit it off so well it was love at first sight. Curtis couldn’t imagine any other dog in his life. She was his most precious possession.

When Curtis wasn’t at work, he and Haven went everywhere together. In the warm months he would drive her to Mountain Crest Park and walk her around the pond. They would stop at a picnic table and have lunch and he would teach her tricks. In the cold months he bought her a soft wool sweater and took her to the Christmas tree lighting downtown. He even snuck her into the local theatre a couple of times by hiding her in his jacket. When the lights went down, she would crawl out and curl up on his lap quietly as he treated her with the occasional kernel of popcorn. Haven always started out sleeping at the foot of Curtis’s bed. But in the middle of the night, she would curl up beside him. Occasionally she would hear coyotes howling and she’d cuddle closer.

Curtis was certain Bexley would love Haven almost as much as he did, even though she owned three Siamese cats she’d trained as attack animals. Bexley came into work one morning talking about how the trio of felines had mistaken the pizza delivery guy for an assailant and chased him up a tree. The pizza parlor did not sue Bexley, but she did agree never to have an order delivered from them again.

When Curtis came home from work on Monday, April Fool’s Day, Haven trotted up to him, put her paw on his leg and wagged her tail gleefully. “Don’t worry,” Curtis told his furry companion. “As soon as Bexley gets back from spring break, I’ll ask her out on a date, and you’ll get to meet her cats and the three of you will become the best of friends.”

He gave Haven a pat and then went into his kitchen to make dinner. A year ago, Curtis would have a TV dinner to put in the microwave or the oven. But now he’d learned to be a relatively proficient cook and chose to make clam pasta that evening. He reached into his grocery back and took out a package of whole grain angel hair pasta, a bag of white mushrooms, a shallot, a pack of clams from the seafood department, a pound of Roma Tomatoes, a bunch of parsley, and a jar of capers.

Curtis chopped up the shallots, mushrooms, garlic, tomatoes, and parsley. He put some olive oil in a pan and sautéed the shallots, mushrooms, and garlic. Then he added in the clams and put some water on to boil. He shook some salt and pepper over the sauce and stirred it. When the water began to boil, he put in a fistful of the angel hair pasta. Then he finished the sauce with the parsley and capers.

Haven trotted into the kitchen to investigate the delightful aroma. She sniffed at the air and let out a happy bark as Curtis removed a baguette from his grocery bag, snatched a bread knife out of his wooden block and sliced three pieces of the loaf.  Haven cocked her head to one side as he buttered it.

After dinner Curtis sat on his leather love set, he’d purchased at a local furniture store when he’d moved into the duplex. Haven jumped up on the couch to join him and they were about to watch an action movie when Curtis’s phone rang. It was his dad. This surprised him as his parents hadn’t called for weeks. He was reluctant to answer it as he had really wanted to see this movie, but he picked up the phone and said, “Hello?”

“Hello, Curt, this is dad.”

“Hi, dad.”

“I just wanted to call to ask if you could do us a favor.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“You know your Aunt Odette? The one who owns a cabin out on Big Lake?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, your aunt has three paintings up there: one in the living room and one in each bedroom.”

“Those old oil paintings?”

“Yes, those. She was wondering if you could go up there this weekend and pick them up for her. You would need to wrap them up. She said she had some packaging supplies in the attic that would work.”

Curtis rolled his eyes. “What does she need the paintings for?”

“Apparently, she had the paintings appraised recently and they’re somewhat valuable. She wants to sell them at this auction. I’ll drive up to your place next week, pick them up and take them to her.”

“Dad, it’s tax season. I can’t just go galivanting off to Big Lake.”

“Yes, I know it’s tax season, but we really need your help on this. Your aunt wants them soon and she can’t get up there right now.”

“Why not?”

“She’s doing some sort of conference in Nova Scotia, and she just can’t make it.”

Curtis did a Picard palm face. “Alright, dad. I’ll go up to Aunt Odette’s cabin on Big Lake and pack up these…oil paintings and bring them back to my humble abode. But you’ll have to pick them up after I get home from work because I’m busy.”

“Alright, son. I’ll drop by in a week from Wednesday. I’ll get there in the evening, say seven. Does that work for you?”  

“Yeah, seven works. I’ll call you if I’m running late.”

“Sounds fantastic. I really appreciate this, son. “Your aunt will be so happy.”

“Okay, dad. I’ll see you a week from Wednesday. Tell mom hi for me.”

“I will. See you then, Curt.”

“Bye, dad.”

Curtis’s dad hung up and Haven laid her chin on Curtis’s elbow. “I have no idea how I’m going to get the time to do this, Haven,” Curtis said. “I mean this is tax season crazy time. Couldn’t they wait a couple weeks? Why do they have to do this right now. I mean Aunt Odette has had years to sell those things. But she asks my dad to fetch them now?”

Haven looked up at Curtis with sympathetic eyes. Curtis sighed, gave her a gentle pat on the head, picked up the remote and shut off the television.

“I’ll go work now,” he grumbled. “And I’ve been looking forwards to this movie.”

He picked up his little Yorkie and set her aside. Then he got up, slogged into his bedroom, and sat down at his desk. Haven hopped off the couch and trotted into Curtis’s bedroom to comfort her beloved owner.  

MY BOOKS

You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!

STREAM OF THE WEEK: THE BIG LEBOWSKI (1998)-NETFLIX

This week’s movie is a great blast from the past all fans of the Cohen brothers should see and pretty much everyone else as well. I had forgotten how hilarious the film is and how great it still looks to this day, including the famous cardigan sweater designed by Pendelton. The story starts out with our narrator The Stranger (Sam Elliot) who tells us about a legend called The Dude (Jeff Bridges in an iconic role) who is an out of work laid back California guy who hangs out with his friends and fellow bowlers Theodore Donald ‘Donny’ Kerabatsos (Steve Buscemi) and Walter Sobchak (John Goodman in a fantastic performance). One day he is rudely awakened by a couple of thieves who break into his humble abode and mistake him for The Big Lebowski and foul his precious rug. Upset by the occurrence, The Dude (whose last name is also Lebowski) heads for the house of the wealthy The Big Lebowski (David Huddleston) and demands he pay to have his precious rug cleaned as The Big Lebowski was the one the criminals were after in the first place. The Dude is welcomed at the door by The Big Lebowski’s assistant Brandt (Philip Seymor Hoffman) and when The Dude meets Lebowski, Lebowski refuses to pay a dime. However, Lebowski does, after a few days, have Brandt contact The Dude concerning his trophy wife Bunny (Tarra Reed). Apparently, she was kidnaped by a trio of nihilists (Peter Stormare, Flea, and Torston Vogus) and they are demanding a ransom. The Big Lebowski wants The Dude to be his bag man.

In the meantime, Donny, Walter, and The Dude find themselves facing stiff competition in their bowling tournament against a team whose star player is Jesus Quintana (John Turturo in a scene stealing performance. In fact, the first scene between Quintana and the three guys is one of my all-time favorites). And The Dude finds himself contacted by Lebowski’s feminist adult daughter and artist Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore) who has her own take on the kidnapping.