Good morning. It is I Gigi the parti poodle here to introduce chapter twenty-five of Catzilla. Today is the funeral of my human uncle which my novelist and I will be attending. One of the worst parts about dealing with the passing of a loved one is clearing out their home. My uncle unfortunately lived at SHAG which stands for Satan’s Housing and Goats. It is also a British word for “getting busy”. It is also a carpet style of the 1970’s often seen in sleazy pornography. If you are a senior citizen and old enough to live in these places or are planning to, don’t. Retched doesn’t begin to describe them. Keep in mind my uncle always paid his rent and we had the place professionally cleaned not long before he left us by a superb maid service. When my novelist and I told them our uncle had passed they
- Ignored us at first.
- Never offered condolences.
- Told us they were going to change the locks and we could only enter to clear out his apartment during office hours at their approval.
- Put a notice on the door of his place that looked like he was being evicted.
- Emailed us a cold and heartless letter.
- Came to change the locks when we were trying to box up his things.
- The paint easily rips off the apartment doors.
Rotten experience all around. I suggested leaving Tucker the Maltese there to do as he pleased which he is outstanding at when provoked but my novelist is not one to sink to the level of vermin. SHAG (Satan’s Housing and Goats) is a Hades before you die. We do, on the other hand, highly recommend Aegis (Angels Elevating Grace in Service), where our uncle stayed briefly. Cannot say enough good things about them. But as far as SHAG (Satan’s Housing and Goats) is concerned, please avoid this sewer at all costs if you are a senior citizen. And with that thought, here is chapter twenty-five of Catzilla.
Catzilla
by
Gigi the parti poodle
Chapter Twenty-Five
The kitten turned and my mom hit the brake just in time to screech to a halt. The startled kitten lunged at the truck. My mom backed up causing the kitten to miss. The kitten lunged again, and my mom backed up more. Our little game with the kitten bought time allowing some of the panicked students to escape to their homes. The kitten lurched; we backed up. The kitten lurched; we backed up. I checked the passenger’s sideview mirror and saw Dr. Grosser get back in the van as the thugs headed our way.
“Mom, they’re coming.”
My mom looked in the rearview mirror. “Well, they’d better get out of the way,” she said before throwing the truck into reverse and heading straight for them. One of the goons jumped out of the way, the other grabbed onto the truck and jumped in the bed.
“He’s in the truck, mom!”
“He’s asking for a ride.”
She spun the truck around and drove towards the kitten. The kitten lunged at the truck again rising and swatting her paw at us. My mom backed up and the thug slammed something against the back window causing it to spiderweb. Both my mom and I jumped, but my mom recovered quickly and hit the break causing the guy in the truck bed to lose his balance.
The kitten, fed up with our toying with it, leaped onto the hood causing the truck to tip forwards at a slant and sending the thug sliding towards the cabin. The kitten proceeded to walk onto the top of the truck. She swatted at the thug in the truck bed who screamed and jumped away shaking the truck. My mom tried revving the engine, but the kitten’s weight kept us tipped at a downwards trajectory. Suddenly, the kitten leaped into the truck bed causing the weight to shift, and the truck came back down on all four wheels.
“Let’s get out,” my mom said.
“What about that guy back there?”
“He’s playing with the cat.”
“We can’t just leave him there. You saw what happened to the dog.”
My mom sighed. “Fine.” We disembarked just in time to see the moll jump out of the truck bed and run with the kitten bounding after him. “Come on. We’re getting that antidote.” She marched straight for the unmarked white van Dr. Grosser was in.
“What if she doesn’t have it?” I asked hot on her heels.
“Oh, she has it. She always keeps whatever antidote she’s developing on her person as well as some at the lab.”
“But then there’s the issue of getting close enough to the kitten.”
“We’ll worry about that when its time to worry about that.”
My mother stepped up to the driver’s door of the van and banged on it. “Dr. Grosser, get out here.”
Suddenly, the driver revved the engine. “She’s leaving,” I said.
“Not without us.” Mom reached into her coat pocket, pulled out an emergency tool, and smashed the driver’s side window. “Aero had it in the truck.”
The glass spiderwebbed on impact shocking the driver. Dr. Grosser, who was in the passenger’s seat leaned forwards to see what happened. “Gagnon,” she said when she saw my mom. “I knew it was you.”
My mom signaled for me to run to the passenger’s side before she struck the windshield causing it to spiderweb as well. “Get out of the truck,” she told Dr. Grosser.
“And you’ll strike me with your paltry toy if I don’t.”
“I’ll strike you either way.”
“You always were an annoyance wanting me to think things through before I did them. If I always thought things through, I’d waste half my life away.”
“Get out of the truck.”
Dr. Grosser rolled down her window and sprayed me in the face with a can of bear mace. It burned like fire, and I screamed and hit the ground. As I tried to rub the horrible stinging substance off my eyes, my mom ran around to the passenger’s side of the van. There was a scuffle, and I felt the heat of the dust kick up as the van sped off.
“Mom!” I yelled. “Mom!”
Somewhere in the madness someone grabbed my hand and helped me to my feet. I felt the cool sensation of water across my face and then an arm across my shoulders.
“Come on,” a familiar voice said.
The voice navigated us through the frantic teenagers who were still attempting to get home. I stumbled along with them until we arrived at a vehicle.
“I’m not getting in,” I said. “I don’t know you.”
I felt more cool water on my face and then a soft washcloth. “You’ll be okay,” the voice said. “It’ll pass.”
“My mom needs help with that van.”
“They won’t get far.”
“How do you know?”
“I did something to the tires.”
“My mom’s in that van.”
“That’s why I did it.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m your dad.”
MY BOOKS
You can check out my books Chicane and all five installments of the Musicology book series Musicology: Volume One, Baby!, Musicology: Volume Two, Kid!, Musicology: Volume Three, Twist!, Musicology: Volume Four, Sweetie! and Musicology: The Epiquad on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback editions. You can also check out Musicology’s web site at www.musicologyrocks.com and vote for who you think will win Musicology!
STREAM OF THE WEEK-YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974)-HBO MAX
This week I thought I’d focus on Halloween and all its spookiness and choose this comic horror gem shot in glorious black and white. Co-written by Gene Wilder and Mel Brooks (who also directs) it is the story of respected physician and scholar Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (Wilder) who has lived his entire life ashamed of his great grandfather Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s work of bringing the dead back to life. One day after teaching a class at the American Medical Institute, a messenger comes to tell Frederick he has inherited his grandfather’s estate in Transylvania. Frederick leaves the college to go to the estate and study his grandfather’s research. In doing so he must leave his fastidious fiancé Elizabeth (Madeline Khan) who always keeps him at arm’s reach.
When he arrives in Transylvania, he is met at the train station by Igor (Marty Feldman) a hunchback bug eyed servant whose own grandfather worked for Frederick’s grandfather and a pretty blonde lab assistant named Inga (Terry Garr). The three arrive at the Frankenstein castle where the intimidating housekeeper Frau Blücher (Cloris Leachman) greets them. Apparently, she had an ongoing affair with Victor Frankenstein. Frederick is skeptical of his grandfather’s work at first but after studying his writings he begins to believe reanimation might conceivably work.
Rounding out the cast are Peter Boyle as The Monster and Kenneth Mars as Inspector Kemp. Look for cameos by Mel Brooks and Gene Hackman.
Gigi Catches Air 